World's Best Divorce Letter
 

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore

I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in
me
talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In
my
fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess
my
pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of
things.
I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad

anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us
does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is
what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in
the
eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not
even

close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home
with

me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my

desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only
youth
and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a
perfect

body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit.

Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this
stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.

It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in
this

case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better
person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive
Connie? I

doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm
tossed
her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why
do I

feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her

slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of
loss.
Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the
same
because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing
feels
the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you.
And
everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge
last

year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she

figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what
she

meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're
banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the
sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when
she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids
can
hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
it,
right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me
sad,

too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror
on
the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never
used
it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her
shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's

given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's

pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're
doing
Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times.
Here's
this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of
how
much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me
cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that
gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see
how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring,
all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know
it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances
away
and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking remote is.

Love, Dan

lmao, I bet that got him a long way.

haha, talk about a slap in the face :1orglaugh

FUNNY stuff thanks for posting it :thumbsup :pimp

Just fixed it ... that's why I'm quoting

Thanks dre, i was going to But had to fix a script

That guy is a real diplomat :2 cents:

That was a long one to read!

Excellent! You know, if you ever find a bed whore, shes a keeper.

haha, that's just too great

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that
gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see
how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring,
all I can do is think of you.

lol that was funny

Dear Dan,

Thank you for the moving letter you sent me. It was wonderful to see you pouring out your heart to me, and to know that I've been on your mind.

You've been on my mind recently too. I miss you, more than I ever thought I would. And much like you, I turned to the affections of an outsider.

He's tall and handsome, and he reminds me of when you and I first met - you were so dashing and handsome before you acquired your beer gut and started going bald - and he likes to take his time in bed, just like you used to do when we first got together.

I cried my eyes out the first time he made love to me - his tongue moved perfectly, and he didn't seem to mind my hands clenching into fists in his hair to hold his head in the right places. It reminded me of you before we married and my heart cried out for you the whole time.

Vicky told me all about her visits, and I thank goodness for her through this trying time in our lives. She's a very smart girl for 15, but she's trying to make sure Mom doesn't find out about the pregnancy for at least another couple of months. Please encourage her to go to the doctor - herpes tends to get nasty after a while, and if she's going to keep the baby, she needs to be on medication.

I would have loved a chance to make things right between us, but I don't want herpes. Besides, there would be no way I'd ever get the remote back from Allan, (sorry, he found it while he was spending the night a few nights ago and now he uses it all the time).

Love,
Connie

the f*cking remote yeah? :1orglaugh Cool. :thumbsup

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring :thumbsup

Funny shit man!

That's really funny!

So fucking funny lol

Lmfao!!

Dh

bump bump

Perfect..great letter :1orglaugh

TY :thumbsup I was not going to read it.

Those letters were some of the best reads I've had on GFY :-)

I really laughed out loud at that. The way he writes it so non-chalantly.
Ha ha

how very touching. I like it.