tell me a joke
 

I'm having a shitty day. Make me laugh. :(

It's old but I still crack up every time I read the damn thing....


Polands worst air disaster occured today when a small 2 seat plane crashed into a cemetary this morning.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered over 200 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as the digging continues into the night.

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Laugh or you die!

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

What do you call a cow with no legs?






Ground beef!

:1orglaugh That was pretty good

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner.
One of the potatoes is a prostitute.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute??????


Give Up??????????????


It is the one with the little sticker that says.......................

I - DA - HO

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl says.

The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

chuckling yet? :)

:1orglaugh
thank you

I am chuckling! Some funny stuff here!

Matt

A man walks into his psychiatrist?s office naked, wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.
His psychiatrist says, ?I can clearly see your nuts.?

(also read, ?I can clearly see you?re nuts.?)

See, that is what is so funny. It makes sense both ways HAAAAAAA!!!!

OH SHIT THAT IS FUNNY! I can see your nuts!!! I can see you're nuts!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!