16 Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn
 

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FOUR RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

:1orglaugh

These are all priceless nuggets :thumbsup

things you can learn from kids

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4
inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using
a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you
get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though 36-year old
man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. If you wake up and find a suddenly green fish tank with all your fish
floating upside down, you will soon realize that your 3 year old has gotten
up in the middle of the night and emptied all the fish food and chemicals
into the tank. His way of saying you shouldn't have turned off the TV.

25. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day
the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to
her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying
to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the
pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon
me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher
paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One
little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy shit! A
talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

26. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

"13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)"

So true.......

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :thumbsup

I sure will try to do that !!! :evil-laug

The stuff learned from kids is absolutely hilarious.

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh those are pretty good

Sounds like a Baz Luhrmann song.

26. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Take my word for it .... it works... but cost less then $20 totry it out... try it only in a very open place... not a garage...

26. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

im buying mine tongiht...going to a park and seeing what happens

ill wear goggles

holy shit a talking pig! :1orglaugh

Paul thank you very much.....

Readers Digest could really use a copy of this .....extremely entertaining as you know this is something you have lived through

and yes I have plans to mix clorox and brake fluid

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)


thats the truth

I'm not a boy but I think I will try it anyhow it sounds intriguing! Maybe I will surprise Tanker with this idea!

Steffie I loved your list! Particulary numbers 9 & 13

Ahahaha nice stuff...lots of truth in some of those reasons ;)

shame it took you so long to learn some of them

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

That is fucking funny... great thread !!! :thumbsup

1. things posted on message boards over and over and over again that make no sense.

2. what a waste of time!

3. were you born in the 80's? this is how you can tell!

awesome list

2000 square feet of water 4 inches deep, comes out to 1,152,000 cubic inches of water. Assuming a king sized bed is 8 feet by 8 feet, the mattress would have to be over 10 feet tall to hold 1,152,000 of water.

I like both of the things that took 50 years to learn, and the things you can learn from kids. Both have lots of wisdom! I had to laugh about the fishtank, I had a similar situation with my daughter...........

like this one... no one cares if we know how to dance... yeah of us are equal... a good person shows respect and deals with all people... :)

two thumbs up!

That thought actually crossed my mind, then I figured that I'll do it some other time.. :1orglaugh