Sick joke of the year :: I mean really sick...
 

This was sent to me today by my "Joke guy"


There was a little girl and her mother walking through
the park one day and they saw two teenagers having
sex on a bench.
The little girl says "Mummy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies
"Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl
sees two monkies having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and
her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to her Mom, "You and Daddy
were making cakes in the living room last night eh?"
Shocked, the Mother says "How do you know?"


Wait for it.............

wait for it..................


Are you prepared for this????????
here goes..........


She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa!"

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A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The
doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is
planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
the
skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course,
the woman wanted "The Knob."

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems.
"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn
the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible
bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor
looked
at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

Dood, quit stalking me. Since my war injury my asshole has been sewn up,
there's nothing here to shower-jab.

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who said anything about a shower, ill poke that tight ass anywhere!

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.

"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

65 OF THE GREATEST BUMPER STICKERS!




1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24. The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
28. Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen upside down on a jeep]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for 70 mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba
The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
59. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
66. Keep Honking, I'm Reloading.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone"

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Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.

After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch.

The first women said, "My husband can get his whole hand up me".

The second lady said, "My husband can get his whole head up me".

The third lady slid down the bar stool.

A HISTORY LESSON

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775.", he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up: "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!" and Suzuki said,
"The Taliban! 2001."
<font face="Verdana"><b>___________</b>
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Is this a joke contest?

Three vampires walk into a bar.
First vampire orders a cup of blood
second vampire orders a cup of blood
Third vampire orders a cup of hot water
The bartender says "Why a cup of hot water?"
Third vampire pulls out a used tampon "Tea time"

-----------------------------------

How do you get rid of 100 dead babies?
A meat grinder
How do you get rid of the evidence?
A bunch of fratboys and a bag of tortilla chips

----------------------------------------

Cindy goes home and tells her boyfriend Leroy "I'm leaving you, you bastard! I just found out you're a pedophile!"
To which Leroy replies "oooh, big words for a 9 year old!"

This sick joke I heard from the wife of one of my friends. Goes like this:

What is the definition of relative humidity?
It's the sweat that drips from your balls after you bang your sister up the ass.