Neighbors from hell... HELP!
 

So I bought a townhouse last fall, and my neighbors are the most retarded stupid fuckholes in the world, and I'm hoping GFY and it's cornucopia of intellects may be able to offer some advice...

Problem #1:

They park in public areas. All the condos have a 2 car garage, not only do these dweebs have 3 cars (cuz it's a couple and they are renting a room to one of their sisters) ... but they DON'T USE THEIR GARAGE FOR PARKING. Instead, they choose to park two of their cars horizontally in front of their garage, in such a way that it doesn't really block our garage, but makes it a living hell to get in and out of it. Because the townhomes are brand new, no parking rules have been laid down, but it's conceivable that this area could be turned into a fire lane.. the 3rd car is parked out in the public parking area, which in itself isn't a big deal, but on weekends, it's just one more spot that visitors can't park in.

Problem #2:

As if the parking isn't bad enough, the 2 chicks that live there are smokers. I have a 3 story townhose with a covered veranda downstairs and a porch on the 2nd floor which the master bedroom window overlooks. Their condo is basically a mirror image of mine, and OF FUCKING COURSE they have chosen to make the 2nd story porch their little haven for sucking down cancer. And being summer, my bedroom window is open most of the time, so their smoke blows in frequently throughout the day and night.

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I HAVE TRIED to be polite - at least with the parking thing ... both Elyse and I have politely asked to not park their cars where they park them because it makes it very difficult for us to get in and out of our garage. We have asked them on 3 occasions, we have asked the builder to talk to them (and seen him follow through) on 2 occasions, AND have had a letter written from the make-shift homeowners association asking them not to park there. THEY JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK. They continue to park there.

We have not yet tackled the smoking issue .. but I would like some suggestions on how to resolve it.

A few things for you to consider before responding:
1.) I don't really like confrontation and strive to avoid it until the last possible instant.

2.) Up until now my plan has been to try and befriend them, and over time ask them to change ... but the matter of their 2nd hand smoke has accelerated my troubles.

3.) I live in washington state, so if anyone knows any laws here preventing that shit, that would be sweet

4.) The townhomes are brand new. As of right now, there is no homeowners association passing covenants and restrictions. Once the remaining units are sold we will elect officials and all that for the association, but that won't be for 6 months probably.

5.) I have to live next to these foos for 3 to 5 years, so PLEASE don't respond with "drop a flaming bag of shit on their doorstep," "Kick the shit out of them," or "Pump syanide gas into their kitchen window."

Can anyone hook a brotha up with some advice?

I'm not sure there's much you can do. If they don't care, and no rules prevent them from parking there, what do you intend to do about it? Seems like you don't have many options really.

As for the smoking, I don't see how you'll ever be able to make them stop smoking on their own balcony, regardless of where the smoke may travel.

I've considered bashing in their windows and slashing their tires... but that conflicts with premises 1 and 5 :-(

With any luck we'll be able to turn it into a "no-parking fire lane" area and just tow them through the HOA .. perfect for my passive aggressive tendancies =)

And yeah ... for the smoking .. we could just be fucked.

Damn that sucks.

well with the smoking issue there is nothing you can do. If they are on there property you are SOL...


This is coming from a smoker by the way :pimp

Get an industrial sized fan and when they smoke.. turn that bitch on and blow it right back at them....

If you want to get really devious.. tell the female of the couple that the sister is fucking her boyfriend/husband...If they dont kick the sister out..it would be amusing to watch the fights ensue.

If all else fails.. shoot them..have a bar b q..invite all your friends like me :thumbsup

haha =) you're the best betty ;-)

While I was fuckin Mrs. Tribble I saw a light out the window
I got up and took a look at it, and I ended up jizing on my window
I got pissed off so I went out side naked and started screaming at the light
The neighbors sat me naked so they called the cops
They cops show up and yell at me for being naked in a residential area
So I get all pissed again, I get on top of the car and pissed on the windshield
The big nig ger one grabs me and handcuffs me
Then they wrap me in a foil blanket and throw me in a cop car
Then I get all pissed off again, and I took a big shit on the seat
I smeared it in a circular motion with my crack
Then I got violent and banged my head on the window
Then the big nig ger one and asked me what that smell was
So I said I took a shit, and the big nig ger one hit me
They drove me to the station booked me, and took me in a room and told me to wait
I waited about 30 minutes
Then the 2 men in black came in one stands in the corner and the other sits down
They asked me what I saw, and I told them I saw a UFO
He then I told me I didn?t see a UFO
I then you don?t tell me what I see
Then he said we can make you disappear
Then I tell them not to threaten me
He then says we can make your wife, kids, and house disappear
Then he pulls a paper out that said I saw a helicopter and I was drunk and high
So I signed it, then I asked what organization they were from
Then the one in the corner and looked at the other and the the one talking said the meeting was over
The cops then took me and threw me into a cell
And the next day I was released and I went home.


Later that afternoon a black military helicopter flew over with no numbers
So I get all pissed off and started throwing shoes at the helicopter and screaming profanities
Then it quickly flew off
15 minutes later a black car pulls up, and the two men in black I saw the day before confront me
The one that didn?t talk cuffs me throws me in a sack and puts me in the trunk
I then start yelling, and Mrs Tribble comes up with a shoe and beats the one that talked yelling I saw it
The one that doesn?t talk pulls out a black object and hits her with it knocking her out
They take her and throw her in the back seat and I still in the trunk in the sack
I start to get pissed off, so I took a piss and yelled I pissed my sack, I pissed my sack
Then they pick me up from the wet sack and put me in the trunk.
The car then starts driving
Were in there for 10 hours
I had to take a shit so I decided to shit my sack
Once we got to the destination they opened the trunk and asked whats that smell
I then reply I shit my sack
They pick me up and took me in a building and then a room
They they bring Mrs Tribble in , She then starts biting the one that don?t talk so he pulls his object out and hits her again
They put her in the corner of the room
Then the one that talked sat me down and said ?you witnessed something that you weren?t suppose to witness that you didn?t witness
What you saw was out of this world technology that you didn?t witness
There are beings that come here to this world that don?t exist
We have an actual alien being here but we don?t actually have it
Were gonna show you it, but you didn?t see it.
Then he says come with me?
And then we all walked down a hall way
We come up to a locked door that opened by DNA finger prints
We go down another hall and in a cell is an alien standing there jizzing on us
And we get hit with a bluish goo. The man in black that talk opened the cell and hit it with the object knocking it out cold
While it?s on the ground it craps itself
The one that talked said ?we showed you something that we didn?t show you
We walk down to the gate and I see Luther Reigns in a cell
Edd asks whats he doing here
He replys he?s not actually here, you didn?t see him
Walked back to the security room where Mrs Tribble is getting up
As soon as she the men in black she throws a chair at the one that talks knocking him down
The 2nd one hits her with object again knocking her out
Then he dragged her out of the room and puts her in the car
And the one that talks put me back in my sack
I asked for a clean one and said your not in a sack it doesn?t exist
They drive me back to my house on the way I piss my sack again.
They take me out of the sack and Mrs Tribble bytes the one that don?t talk
The 2nd one hits her with object again knocking her out cold
He dragged her to the steps and left her there the one that talked said I didn?t witness anything
He said if anyone asked where we were to tell them we weren?t anywhere.
He says we will be watching you and digging threw your trash
They get back in the car and dvive off

Tell them that you are a pornographer and they will skedaddle. :thumbsup

It will at least make you laugh and take your mind off all the stress! Plus you can videotape it so you can enjoy it over and over again every time they piss you off!

Neighbors suck. It's a fact of life. You will always have a couple of fuckwads in any neighborhood. Unfortunately we too live next to the one bad apple on our street.

I was thinking about making a website featuring them and how much they suck...

remember that one a few years ago? thing saw like 10 million uniques in its first 3 months...

Dude, go www.cabletheft.com on their ass every couple of weeks, they won't know what hit them.

If that doesn't work, call the fire dept. and report the smell of smoke coming from their garage. Watch how fast the fire department starts enforcing city code violations re: parking. If you're lucky it will be a bunch of ketchup dicks that show up in full regalia and they'll forcefully move the cars to get in to the garage.

ROFLMAO!!!

that's a good one =) i'll have to make note of that

The cable theft one is anonymous too, so no one will know where the complaints come from...lol Just make sure your shit is all good so they don't jack you during a building inspection... :thumbsup

Shut the fuck up, and stop whining. Stupid hahahaha.

are they actually violating the homeowners association rules? probably so... if so, get on the homeowners association. you are paying them a monthly fee to take care of this stuff.

also try a lawyer. there may be laws against something these jerks are doing.

i already told you man, play ranchero music on your deck... when your not home. and kick the fuckers mirrors off a few times. they will get the picture.

oh yea... play it loudly too.

If nothing else that should get them to close the windows :)

as much as the commandment says "Love Thy Neighbor," its just so hard to do in cases like that.

Pump syanide gas into their kitchen window.

Washington isn't California (yet) but you could probably file a claim against them for exposing you to cigarette smoke.

You said there was no HOA but there has to be one. The covenants and restrictions are more than likely recorded with your deed. Just because the actual home owners do not run it yet does not mean that it does not exist. It is already in place but builders/developers really go out of there way not to enforce as it may cause conflict with home owners who may tell prospective buyers that the builder sucks, etc., etc.

You should have been given a copy at your closing. If you have not get one, read it and then insist the builder, since they are managing the HOA right now, ensure that the rules are being followed. That being said, them smoking on their balconey affecting you is just tough luck. You may be able to find parking restrictions in the covenants though.

As far as the cars go,,

Visit one of those redneck hunting stores and pick up some Deer Scent,
a horrible smelling fluid extracted from a deers ass, that will make a dog puke.
Squirt it on both doors driver and passenger, and be sure to deposit some into the ventilation vents directly infront of the windshield. And if they leave their windows down,,, apply a generous sprinkling into the carpet and seats.
They will sell those cars :winkwink:
If they ever get the stench out,, they should start protecting their cars by parking inside the garage after that. Repeat if necessary and blame it on the local wildlife.

I'm a complete asshole about most things but someone smoking outside their house or making me use a little care when backing out of the garage wouldn't bother me in the least. Fuck em and get on with your life.

Try parking your cars in such a way that it prevents their fucked up parking jobs.

As for the smoking out on the balcony, that's a fun one. I like the fan but technically I think you could get in some trouble for that one if they wanted to whine about it. I would personally recommend waiting for them to start smoking out there and go out on the balcony and pretend to talk on your cell phone and say things like:

"...and then she licked my asshole and begged me to shit in her mouth again."
"For an 80 year old man, he sure could suck dick like a champ."

You get the idea.

Can you park your cars outside first and make life inconvenient for them?

yeah there are pre-determined covenants and restrictions ... but as far as I can remember it didn't lay down anything about parking (other than not blocking fire lanes) or smoking very specifically :-( ...

it's 27 pages of REALLY dry legal shit ... worse than 2257! :upsidedow

you know.. I guess that's what has to be done..


what sucks is... nobody has given any glimmer of hope that this can be resolved without making a second wrong being committed :-(

personally, the parking doesn't bother me ***that*** much .. it bothers me .. but mostly because it bothers my girlfriend.

The smoking down right pisses me the FUCK off. it inundates our house and is smelly as all hell. fuck thsoe assholes.

My brother is a surgeon, I think I'm going to have him snag a tar-coated esophagus and mail it up so I can squirt little tar turdlets on them next time they have a cig.

You've all seen the commercials of the doc squirting the black tar out of the esophagus right? Well I've seen it in real life in my bro's gross anatomy lab, At the time I was a social smoker ... since then ... I've never had a cigarette without wanting to vomit immediately after.. FUCKING GROSS

i hate to live with those kind of neighbours. they only think of themselves.

start smoking, it's not that big of a deal. that way you will be able to befriend them quicker, and convince them to stop parking their cars that way. once that is out of the way, make them stop smoking and quit yourself :thumbsup

Open your bedroom windows and turn your TV on and loop slovakian fetish BDSM fat transexual porn 24/7 believe me they will stop comming out.

If it's on their property. nothing u can do. They pay mortgage too and have a right to park on their property and smoke on their property. the smoking thing would drive me nuts though even though I am a smoker.

best suggestion yet :winkwink:

Just don't mind your neighbours, eventually they would be ashamed of themselves.

Why don't you invite them on GFY and let's talk things over here? ;)

thank god, I don't have neighbours like that.