It's been a while since we did a Friday night Jokes thread
 

THE FARMHAND

A redneck farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling - what should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."



www.jokesbee.com :D

:1orglaugh :helpme Need some more

:1orglaugh

Nice.

funny shit

I heard that one a while aggo in french, i'll do my best to translate it...



A man met one of his old friend. "Hey dude wasup?"
Is friend answer. "i lost my job, my wife, my wheels. Dont have a place to stay i'm tottaly broke"

"come on man, i'm partying tonight, come take a beer with me"
So the two went to a bar and have some drinks.

After a couple of hours the first guy tell the other.. " Dude i know how bad you feel, let me try something i know i can do,,, i'll try to pee in that bottle on the bar without letting a drop not going in, if i do not succeed, i'll give you 100$"

"Wath you offering me 100$ for that? you are crazy, you can't do it! Sure i accept your deal"

So the guy started to pee all over the counter, in the guy face all over him.

"Ahahahah wath a dick, man you just loose 100$ ahahahah! Oh man i start to feel better with that easy money"

"I'm going to tell you, those 100$ you deserved it, i just gamble 500$ with those guy's at that table , that i'll pee in your face in front of everybody and that you'll laught about it"

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Listen, I
have three girls coming over tonight. I never had three girls at once! I
need something to keep me horny, keep me potent and erect to satisfy
them all."

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer
and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X" and says,
"Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for twelve hours!"

The guy says, "Give me three boxes!"

The next day the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the
same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror
as he notices the man's dick is black and blue, the skin's hanging off
in places. The man says, "I need a large bottle of Absorbine Jr."

To which the pharmacist replies, "ABSORBINE JR? You're not going to put
ABSORBINE JR on *that* are you?"

The man answers, "No, it's for my arms ... the girls didn't show up."

The guy was drinking beer and lamenting to the bartender... "I met my wife in a whorehouse"

"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said, "it's actually
really romantic."

"Oh, yeah?" responded the man. "Well, I thought she was home taking care
of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the
Madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused to give me another
girl."

After the whole "apple" incident and subsequent expulsion from the Garden of Eden,
Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.
One of the boys asked, "What's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male or female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man . . . and he replied,
"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "the Muslim one blows itself up."

Those are some good ones.

:disgust Not sure

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds, "Fuck Your Canoe!"

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a
requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes,
and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

keep em coming.

A good one. :1orglaugh