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Ambush Interview #69
Tom Cruise
Def old school, Tom's been in the game as long as some of the dinosaurs. Starting with one of the largest movie companies (Paramount) he starred in such hits as Top Gun and Rainman, and started the largest Scientology affiliate program that still defines some of their traffic stratigies that exist today on the web and in most every other brainwashing program out there. Moving into his 40s, and in the throws of a massive mid-life crisis, Tom become a spokesperson and a public figure unlike any other for dating hot younger girls. Recently changing wives, Tom now works on programming Katie Holmes and talks to all reporters (devils) and people (self-medicators) who have any interest in learning that L Ron Hubbard is god.
1. If it fair that lesbians are allowed to use dildos? They made their choice.
Tom Cruise: Listen, I've researched dildos. You haven't. If you read some of the papers on these things, you'd understand that they simply mask the symptom, which is their partner's lack of mad finger-using skills. Do you even know where the name "dildo" came from? It's a derivative from "dildopholous" which what taken from a nazi concentration camp doctor. People don't know these things. I do.
2. Talk about your education and love of the stage and attention.
Tom Cruise: You're crossing a line now Scotty. Remember your manners and put them back in. My education consisted of some high school, in which I barely learned to read due to a problem with dyslexia. Later, after I embraced Scientology, the dyslexia was cured by "purging some bad engrams". Basically one of the BTs (aliens) living in my stomach needed glasses, and it was messing with my ability to understand text. We hooked him up with some intergalactic Lenscrafters goggles, and he's good to go.
3. What was it like being a minor and a woman in the persian gulf?
Tom Cruise: When you accept a role, you have to take hold of the character and make it your own. It was difficult getting into the mindframe of a young heroic woman who gave for our country, being that I am a clueless follower of a cult, whose idea of giving is hand-wrestling Oprah Winfrey on live television. So there were challenges. But at the end of the day, you look in the mirror and ask yourself "What would L Ron Hubbard do?" and find your way.
4. Why do you live in LA now?
Tom Cruise: LA is the focal point for the invasion. (publicist rushes forward, whispers in Cruise's ear) The invasion of fictional aliens from my upcomming movie The War of the Worlds that is...why are you smirking?
5. I'm not, just some gas. I'm down to four bacon-cheeseburgers a day on this new diet and it's wreaking havoc with my system. Talk about your passion for boats and the water and histroy therein.
Tom Cruise: At
www.clambake.org there is a complete history of Scientology's incredible naval fleet, Sea Org. I learned everything about about the ocean from my time in their service. Including the island that Xenu will appear on when he returns to attempt the enslaving of Earth. And where the powerful counterforces are that will protect us. (publicist rushes forward, trips over coffee table due to ferocity of movement, whispers in Cruise's ear) The aliens from The War of the Worlds that is.
6. How did you convince the twink to spunk on Shok's bed?
Tom Cruise: For the last time, I am not gay. I support the homosexual movement, often times via unprotected anal intercourse with young gay men. Beyond that I am a straight heterosexual male. If you continue with this course of questioning, I'll be forced to forward your personal information to my attornyes.
Toms's got more love in this industry than ANYONE I know. He has this magnitism about him that everyone talks about, especially young girls who will be future wives of his. A long term veteram and a master at promoting Scientology's wonderful "vitamin" programs for hallucinating child-killing post-partum depression Moms, Tom is proud to have been snagged from traditional religions by Earth-shattering alien gods and he's someone who most expect will be in this industry for many years to come. Until the invasion.
Thank you Tom!
