instructions for proper sex with a chicken
 

1.) Like any woman, a chicken needs to be in a relaxed and receptive mood before you can successfully have sex with it. If you do not make sure of this, you will end up covered in scratches and peck marks in locations that will be hard to explain. Gently pick the chicken up in both hands and stroke it slowly, so that it becomes accustomed to sitting in your hand. Making soft clucking noises is also a good seduction tip.

2.) Get your penis nice and lubricated, and place the head at the entry of the chicken butt. I'm calling it a butt, but it acts as a vagina, an anus, and a urethra all in one (actually, chickens only have one form of elimination). You need to be erect when you do this, because otherwise, it will be hard to enter your new girlfriend.

3.)Slowly push your penis inside the chicken. You should have one hand on the neck of the bird, just below the head, so that it cannot peck you. The other hand may need to hold the feet to prevent scratching. Try to keep the bird as calm as you can as you do this.

4.) If a chicken butt can accomodate a Grade AAA egg, it can expand to fit your dick, albeit somewhat tightly. However, the butt is not all that deep, and you will hit bottom fairly quickly. Don't try and push the limits here, just be glad that you're getting some.

5.)If you want, you can wait for your chicken to calm down. However, you're never going to get much play from the bird either way, so you might as well go ahead and fuck it. Use short, gentle strokes.

6.) OPTIONAL STEP: If you have plenty of chickens, or if you are hungry, or if it's just come time to break up with your chicken, then you can make your last night a memorable one by slitting the bird's throat at the moment of your orgasm. This will cause some strong twitching that can add some spice to your experience.

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Wow :helpme

i've had a few drinks, this is by far the funniest thing i have read in a long long time :1orglaugh

This is one crazy thread. :1orglaugh

im horny now... wtf

:1orglaugh Wtf...I prefer melons btw..they don't peck

As I am reading, I'm wondering to myself, why am I reading this?!?

The only snappy comebacks I could come up with involved cooked chickens and rubber chickens, since that would remove the threat of pecking and scratching. And then I thought to myself, what am I thinking about?!?

What a fowl, um...thought provoking thread. :thumbsup

Now I'm in the mood for some KFC - thanks!!!

ADG Webmaster

hmmm this thread is juicy

hahahahaha bl

lol...fuckin hilarious

you need help ;)

:upsidedow turkeys go deeper!!!

Cock a doodle ouch!

Okay, go fuck a chicken. :1orglaugh

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

marinated chicken?? :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

People are so sick :(

go fuck yourself! :321GFY

This thread is useless without pics.

you wrote this all alone ?

how many chickens do you own

ahaha thats hilarious, i rmember one i read about the same thing about fucking dolphins, so funny haha

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh incredible

muhahahahahahahahahaha

Youre a winner !!!

Damn im laughing on floor for this one

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

:1orglaugh :helpme :warning

i awlays wondered what was the best way

I just read this, ack!

i ain't eating a chicken this week hahaha

wtf hehehhe :P LOL

havnt we all

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh wtf

Very funny :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

quote of the month: "proper sex with a chicken"

that's crazy

I cant believe I read that and I also cant believe how much I am laughing!

now go out and give it a try.

http://azoony.com/hattrips/seaside/b...nt_park-sm.jpg

sorry... i thought the thread said "pooper sex with chickens"

rather sexy
:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

won't the chicken die?

only on step 6 but thats optional