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November 19th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be
lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional
carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange
of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was my Christmas Party memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that
often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy
Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that
reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget
about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union
members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays
are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit
at the table farthest from the grill of death," as you put it, and
you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you
all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward
your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of
the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director