Going ape over monkey porn
 

After years of evolutionary research and many millions of dollars spent trying to find biological links between humans and other mammals, researchers have finally discovered that they need nothing more than a couple of monkeys and a digital camera.

Last week, scientists finally made the connection between man and ape by discovering that male monkeys will pay to watch monkey porn.

This would suggest that, since turtles won't pay to watch turtle porn and neither will ferrets or probably fish, men and male apes must somehow be related.


The researchers found that monkeys who regularly got juice rations would give them up in order to check out the behinds of girl monkeys on a computer. As if that isn't enough, these scientists also found out that the apes would pay extra to see the faces of monkey "celebrities" (although how monkeys can have celebrities I haven't got a clue) and would have to get bribed to watch a low-status monkeys or monkey "losers."

Apparently, this research is being conducted in order to help advance the understanding of autism. Something about figuring out how a monkey's brain works was the rather tenuous explanation.

Uh-huh. Try telling that to the female monkeys.

Keeping with the theme of gathering marginally useless information, I decided (although not for the purpose of advancing autism research) to survey several of my peers on researching simian sensuality and whether it helps us understand men better.

My first finding was that thinking of theories as to why people would even consider showing male monkeys computer images of female monkey butts stimulated much creativity, especially among the male humans.

There was the "vying for the world record for the dumbest way to spend a Saturday night" hypothesis.

There was also the "finding an excuse to get the company to spring for a digital camera, a webcam and a faster computer in order to enable questionable activities by the lab staff after the monkeys went to bed" theory.

And my favourite, the "getting out of trouble hypothesis," which, to slightly paraphrase the guy who concocted it, went something like this: "One of the lab guys probably got into trouble for, uh, accidentally, uh, going on to one of those Internet pages, uh, or not so accidentally ... Anyways, he was in trouble and decided to prove to his wife that this type of thing was in our, I mean, his biological makeup. Well, I mean, these things are natural. Um, female butts are great to watch. Well, if you're a monkey ... "

Interestingly, it was the human females who enjoyed the second part of the survey, which asked whether there is indeed a link between men and ape, to which they overwhelmingly responded "yes."

The men replied with various degrees of indignation,

"All guys are not pigs."

No one said they were. Monkeys? Maybe. But not pigs.

"Well, maybe 70% of guys are pigs."

Roughly 70% of the guys sitting at the table laughed. The other 30% had a female love interest within earshot so they shook their heads in a uniform expression of sensitivity.

What is interesting to note, and which (sorry guys) points to the almost certain male gender of the researchers, is the fact that while they explored the biological instinct of checking out female behinds, they didn't even bother to note the reaction of the female primates.

What they should have done was noted the reaction of the female monkeys as they watched their mates give up their juice rations in order to ogle other gals. It would have been even better if they made sure a paddle or a coconut was within reach.

Maybe then human females would finally have a biological premise for hitting their men whenever they catch them spending their money (or juice rations) on something totally stupid.

It would have also been great to see if the females subsequently relegated the male monkeys to sleeping on the couch.

I mean, really, that must be instinct. :pimp

Lol...where are you getting this shit?