Players Ball Ticket To The Funniest Joke
 

OK, I have an hour before I have to leave for a meeting and today has been just a busy day so far. I need a good laugh! So the person who posts the funniest joke in this thread, and I will decide what is funny, wins a Players Ball Ticket. If you have already won a Players Ball Ticket from Alternative Cash you aren't eligible, sorry.


OK, post away!

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?




















Quatro Cinco

i like jokes

That was pretty good Retro. So far you're in the lead!:winkwink:

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they stink.

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really bad. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him, "Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"
The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.
The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Mary's, Rosaries and everything was going good. Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."
So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.
So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"
To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."


Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After
3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd
really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".


A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.
One says, "Your *thing* doesn't have any skin on it!"
"Of course, not! I've been circumcised."
"What does that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said they did it on the eighth day after I was born."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt! I couldn't walk for a year!"

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust, "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

A Russian and an Aussie were competing for the Olympic Gold in wrestling.
Before the final match, the Aussie's trainer warned him, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of his Pretzal hold. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the pretzal hold, because there is no escape.
The match began and the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Aussie, and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzal hold.
The crowd sighed, and the Aussie's trainer buried his head in his hands.
But suddenly there was a SCREAM, and then a cheer from the crowd.
The trainer looked up, to see the big russian flying through the air. The Australian weakly collapsed on top of the russian, and won the match.
His trainer was astounded. He asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No-one has ever done that before!"
The wrestler replied "Well I was ready to give up when he got me, but at the very last moment I looked up and saw a pair of balls in front of my face", he explained, "I had nothing to lose, so I streched out my neck and bit down on those babies as hard as I could."
The coach listened with anticipation, "and you'd be amazed what you can do when you bite your own balls."

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"

Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma Carlita asked him, "Antonio, what did you learn in school today?"
Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."
Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying. Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"
Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they learn. It's called sex education!"
Well, Grandma Carlita felt bad about hitting Antonio, so she went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his bedroom door she found him on his bed masturbating. Without a blink, she said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come downstairs and talk to me."

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later.
George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a condom. The clerk asks, "Shall I put this on your bill?" The duck angrily replies, "What kind of duck do you think i am?"

A man is driving late one Saturday night when a cop pulls him over. The
policeman walked up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving?"
"No," replies the policeman, "you were driving fine. It's the ugly fat
chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?".
"What ? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"


MEDICAL NEWS FLASH
Viagra now available in liquid form.
FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new, easy-to-take liquid form.
Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one

A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.
Checking his wallet for the necessary funds, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she answers with a
knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" The man replies "Well wash your bloody hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

A soldier stepped up to the medic for a short-arm inspection. The medic noticed a dot on the end of his penis and asked about it.
"That's my girlfriend's name, sir," he replied. "Her name is Dot?" asked the medic "No sir," said the soldier, "when I get an erection it spells DOROTHY JEAN CUNNINGHAM.
The next patient comes in and undresses. The first thing the medic notices, of course, is the row of dots on the man's penis. "I see you too have a tattoo of your girlfriend's name on your penis," he says.
"Oh no," the patient replies, "when I get an erection it says: Welcome to Jamaica, mon, we hope you will enjoy you stay."

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"
"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."

What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?




Not being retarded.

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said.......



"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?" :Graucho

Good, but tired.

Always happy to get people laid, make them smile, or both.

2 Pollocks decide one day ot go ice fishing one day. The get their shit together and head out onto the ice.

They find a spot and start unpacking their gear. One of the Pollocks grabs the holecutter and positions it over their location. Just as he starts to drill into the ice, a giant and thunderous voice belts out, "THERE ARE NOOOO FISH UNDER THE ICE..."

The 2 Pollocks look at each other, scared and puzzled. They grab their gear and scurry to a new spot.

As they are unpacking their shit, the other Pollock grabs the drill and positions it over the ice. Lo and behold, once again, the loud and majestic voice lets out, "THERE ARE NOOOOO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The 2 Pollocks by this point are freaking out. They grab their shit and go running for a new location. They start unpacking their shit. One of the Pollocks grabs the drill and positions it over the ice.

He begins to drill when all of a sudden they here the voice.


























"THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

:winkwink:

Here's another:


A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.



"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.



"Who are you?" he asked him.



"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.



"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.



"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.



"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.



The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

... A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she's touched there. So they go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him,

"Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the
curtains for privacy. Anything is worth a try, the husband thinks so
he finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor shows a flatline... no pulse...no heart rate.

The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling
up his pants and says,

"I think she choked."

You are getting my vote :thumbsup

Wait, this one is better! :Graucho

LMFAO.:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh


JerseyPuma you got the ticket.

Hit me up on AIM, ICQ or email me at warden at AlternativeCash dot com with your name and email address. I will get you a Players Code!

little johnny walks in on mommy and daddy having the sex and asks what theyre doing .. startled mummy blurts out ... um ermm .. were making cakes !

that day little johnny and mommy are walking through the zoo and they see two monkeys having the sex .. little johnny straight away says mommy are they making cakes aswell .. so mommy cant go back now so says yes they are

further in they see a lion mounting a female in the pride - johnny says straight out mommy look theyre making cakes !! .. mommy cant say nothing so she just nods her head



the next morning - mommy and daddy come down stairs and johnnys sitting there with a smile on his face - what are you smiling at they ask .. he says you two made some cakes down here last night didnt you .... how did u know that - he says .. cos i licked the cream of the couch !!!







ewww lol .. btw wayda go mommy and daddy for the active cake making life ;)

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

Those were all some great jokes. Thanks again everyone and JerseyPuma don't forget to hit me up with your 411!:thumbsup

I know it's gone already, but this is too funny not to post:
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to
laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked
away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now"
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right
now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last
night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in
tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-
year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that
Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he
needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I
said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he
replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did
you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple
made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did
too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it
on to someone you know who needs a laugh.

thanks man, you rule!

and to the rest of you, HA HA, im funnier than you and I'm going to the Players Ball, bitches!

:winkwink:

nevermind

hrm let me think of a good one

LMAO I saw that

Why did the chicken cross the road?...

:321GFY

I have the best joke

Bush is our President :321GFY