How to be a Republican
 

This is one of the best articles I've read!

How to be a Republican

By Dan McNeese
The Arbiter
November 08, 2004


Let?s face it, being a liberal isn?t working. All the hours of being open minded, caring for your fellow man and improving the nation just doesn?t pay off. It?s time to surrender. The textbook definition of surrender is join the winning team. In this case the ?winners? are Republicans. Yes, it?s time to trade your bleeding heart for a bleeding ulcer and conform. Here are some tips on becoming a Republican.

Be afraid of anyone different than you.

There are too many minorities and they are up to no good. They will overrun this country and make sure white America can?t be successful in business. Hate everyone who isn?t white, but subtly act nice when they are around.

Get a gun.

Hell, get as many as you can. The second amendment is still in effect and with the Bush administration it?s now easier than ever to get weapons that will vaporize whatever it is you need to shoot. After all, you do need to shoot stuff. At least you need to think you need to shoot stuff.

Loathe the first amendment.

The Constitution is out of date. Who cares why we came here in the first place? Endorse the idea there should be prayer in public schools. Our president supports the idea so it must be a good one. Stress the importance of censorship and the evils of public opinion. It will only get in the way of your family values.

Conform.

Do what you are told and don?t think for yourself. If you are going to be a Republican it?s best not to show any signs of individuality because that would conflict with what should be considered ?normal.? It would also help to get involved with a major organized religion, that way you?ll just be a number in society and not yourself. You?ll want to be a number because no one likes a defiant.

Join a large church congregation.

The bigger the religion the better. It doesn?t matter what church you belong to, but to be a good Republican you?ll want to be part of a major one. Interpret the Bible in the most literal fashion and justify homicide against those whom you are told don?t. Crucify the idea of funding for programs that may go against your interpretation.

Don?t question what you are told.

This goes along with conformity. If the president says something, it must be true. Even if he retracts what he says it is important to always believe he is right. This is big, because it will be happening a lot more in the next four years. Questioning the government is unpatriotic and you shouldn?t do it. Remember: Bill O?Reilly and Rush Limbaugh are always right.

Become a ?good ol? boy.?

To be a Republican you?ll have to long for the good ol? days that never were. It is a misconception that this country was once a better place to live 50 years ago. It?s a misconception that is vital if you want to be a Republican. Fear change, get a pick-up truck and two or three dogs to boot.

Hate Social Security.

Actually, hate all social programs. You work hard for your money, why should grandpa get it. True, he can?t take care of himself and is a veteran of two wars, but he should have thought of that before he got ill. There is no reason the money you earn should go to help your city or state either. In America it?s every man for himself and we can?t prosper in our American dream if we have to pay taxes.

Strive for a school-less community.

Always vote against anything that supports the idea of public schools. Those union working teachers are only going to teach our kids liberal propaganda that the democrats invoke. Home or ?private? school your child, that way they won?t be subjected to diversity and the real world. You can teach them what they should be taught: religion and your idea of moral values.

Move to the suburbs.

There is too much culture in the city and that means more crime. It?s a fact that white people don?t commit crime and there are only white people like you in a subdivision. Pick one with a eutopic style name like ?Rancho Republico? or ?White Estates.? The more gates the better.

Ignore what?s really going on.

Pay little to no attention on social and global political issues. The less you know the better. The truth only gets in the way of happiness, and to acknowledge the truth means getting out of your comfort zone. If something doesn?t affect you, pretend it?s not worth caring about. This means only caring about your common interest and not that of humanity. Always try to benefit at the risk of others. Ignorance and arrogance are bliss so why waste energy worrying. If you are to be a Republican you can?t have compassion for those not in your business/blood line (even then it?s okay to only think of yourself).

Listen to country music.

This one isn?t as important, but the most successful Republicans listen to country music and after reading this list it?s obvious you should do what you are told.

So there they are, the 12 steps to becoming a Republican. It may be hard to digest this all at once but remember to take it one day at a time.

Oh Yeah?

Overcoming Liberalism: A 12-Step Program
Step 1: Admitting you're a liberal
This is the first step for every liberal on the way to recovery. It is important to understand that you're not "progressive", "moderate", or "enlightened". You're a liberal, and you need to be honest with yourself about that fact.


Step 2: Pledge to support your beliefs with facts
Realize that truth is more important than moral superiority and is the only way to come over to reality. You must research beyond propaganda from the Sierra Club, Hilllary Clinton, and CNN to understand things as they really exist in the world. You can no longer argue based on "feelings" or emotion. You will actually need to back up your arguments with real information. This is a difficult step, because it means you can't be lazy any more.


Step 3: Love America
This may be the most difficult step for those of you who are hippies and peaceniks. Admitting that the country you hate actually stands as a beacon to defend freedom throughout the world can make some of you physically ill. You might want to make a visit to a military cemetery to better understand that these men and women gave their lives so that you could spew hatred. Otherwise, you would currently be living in a police state that would never let you wear that nasty patchouli oil, let alone speak out against your government.


Step 4: Take a college level economics class
A Socialist is defined as someone who's never taken an economics class. Most Socialists have a hard time balancing their checkbooks, let alone explaining the simple concept of supply-and-demand. It's time to flush your complete ignorance of basic economics down the toilet and understand how the world actually functions. This concept will be very important for the next steps that involve communism, facts about corporations, and the inefficiencies of government.


Step 5: Say "no" to Communism and Socialism
While this concept is obvious to most of the free world, it is an important step in your recovery process. If you have difficulty with this step, spend a week living and working in Cuba.
Step 6: Corporations are not evil
If you're reading this article on-line or in an email, it's thanks to corporations. If you get some kind of paycheck, you can thank corporations. If you work for a nonprofit or the government, you still have to thank corporations. The nonprofit sector and the government wouldn't have any money to pay you without corporations. It is also important that you understand that making a profit doesn't equate to "greed" or exploitation. Capitalism has created the greatest society in our world's history. Even communist countries need corporations to survive, so enjoy a nice, hot cup of reality.


Step 7: The government is inefficient
If you are one of those liberals who believe the government should tax us more in order to take care of society, you need to pay special attention to this step. You need to realize that government bureaucracy will waste most of your tax dollars, while the private sector will put your money to much better use. Even most Democrat politicians understand this to some degree, which is why Hillary's socialist healthcare proposal was voted down by a majority of both Democrats and Republicans. Go to your local post office or call the IRS to ask a tax question if you need a reminder about government inefficiency.


Step 8: The earth is not your "mother", and she's not dying
The time has now come to stop your donations to Greenpeace, The Sierra Club, and every other EnviroNazi organization to which you belong. Face the reality that the earth, society and our environment are better off today than ever in recorded history and that they are continuing to improve. I realize that many of you tree huggers will have a very difficult time letting go of the Douglas Fir on this one. I would suggest reading The Skeptical Environmentalist by Bjorn Lomborg. Mr. Lomborg is a former member of Greenpeace and is currently a statistics professor at a university in Denmark. He set out to prove the world was in bad shape and ended up surprising himself by proving the exact opposite.


Step 9: Stop smoking the wacky tobacco
Okay, some of you might need to enter another 12-step program to complete this step. Marijuana is distorting your sense of reality, and you need to stop using it. Besides, you'll save a fortune on snacks.


Step 10: Eat a hamburger
If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat. You can put your sprouts and tofu on the hamburger, but get some meat into you. You'll look and feel better than you ever imagined. You can always remind yourself that Nazi propaganda hailed Adolf Hitler as a vegetarian to get you through this step.


Step 11: Stop re-writing political history
It's now time to admit that Bill Clinton is a lying-cheating-sexist-racist-rapist jackass, Hillary Clinton is one of the worst role models for women in this country, Al Gore really did lose the 2000 election by every vote tabulation you attempt, Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War and didn't create the homeless problem, John McCain is not a typical Republican, and Jimmy Carter is a nice man but has one of the worst presidential records of anyone in history.


Step 12: Be a missionary
Once you have completed the previous steps to overcoming liberalism, it's time for you to share this awakening with others who are not as fortunate. Go out amongst the liberal sheep and spread the good word of your freedom from the chains of ignorance that once bound you.


Congratulations, and welcome to reality.

:thumbsup

That's the most important one we're all going to have to learn. Hopefully they'll be able to completely censor the media, libraries, and the internet within the next 4 years so we won't be tempted.

Make sure you also let folks know that "Dan McNeese" is a tree hugging hippe student for Boise State colleges newspaper. A highly credible source.:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :glugglug

Never said it was a 'credible' source you idiot..I just like the article and you can kiss my ass.

Hey.... settle down... you're the one who made the post look like some kind of legitimate journalistic reporting. Here's a hint, move to the UK where the "Daily Mirror" reported "How can 58 million people be so dumb?". I'll help you pack. :321GFY

I did no such thing, and thanks for the advice on moving, although Cancun is our choice.

lmfao, it's a satire, what difference does the author make?

Bon Voyage! :1orglaugh

How can 58 million people be so dumb? It's a valid question, you guys haven't answered yet.

Yea, I'll be :1orglaugh alright....

enjoy your trip pal.

Not a trip, it's a move. :winkwink:

And I don't think I'm your Pal, Sweetie :)

NICE!!! :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Yes, all Republicans are fascists, and all liberals are communists.

Thankfully, neither side of those arguements have the slightest idea where the majority of America lies.