THINGS YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE TO BE A REPUBLICAN TODAY:
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney
did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of
international harmony.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best
interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are
junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable
offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages
and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our
business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashhahahahaha can tell states what local voter initiatives they have
the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney
did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of
international harmony.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best
interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are
junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable
offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages
and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our
business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashhahahahaha can tell states what local voter initiatives they have
the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
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