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> >A man went to a urologist and told him
> >that he was having a problem and that
> >he was unable to get his penis erect.
> >
> >
> >After a complete exam the doctor told
> >the man that the muscles around the
> >base of his penis were damaged
> >from a prior viral infection and there
> >was nothing he could do for him.
> >
> >However, he knew of an experimental
> >treatment that might work, if he were
> >willing to take the risk.
> >
> >The treatment consisted of implanting
> >muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk
> >in the man's penis.
> >
> >The man thought about it for a while.
> >
> >But, the thought of going through life
> >without ever experiencing sex again
> >was just too much for him to bear.
> >
> >So, with the assurance that there
> >would be no cruelty or adverse effect
> >on the elephant, the man decided
> >to go for it.
> >
> >A few weeks after the operation,
> >he was given the green light to use
> >his newly renovated equipment.
> >
> >As a result, he planned a romantic evening
> >with his girlfriend and took her to one of the
> >nicest restaurants in the city.
> >
> >However, in the middle of dinner he felt a
> >stirring between his legs that continued to
> >the point of being extremely painful.
> >
> >To release the pressure, he unzipped his
> >fly and immediately his penis sprang from
> >his pants, went to the top of the table,
> >grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants.
> >
> >His girlfriend was stunned at first,
> >but then with a sly smile on her face said,
> >"That was incredible!
> >Can you do that again?"
> >
> >With his eyes watering, he replied,
> >"I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can
> >fit another roll up my ass!"

--------------------------------------------
> >> > > > Question 1: If you knew a woman who was
> >> > > > > pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
> >> > > > > three who were deaf, two who
> >> > > > > were blind, one mentally retarded,
> >> > > > > and she Had syphilis; would you
> >> > > > > recommend that she have an abortion?
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > Read the next question before scrolling
> >> > > > > down to the answer of this one.
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > Question 2: It is time to elect a new
> >> > > > > world leader, and your vote counts.
> >> > > > > Here are the facts about the three
> >> > > > > leading candidates:
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > Candidate A: Associates with crooked
> >> > > > > politicians, and consults with
> >> > > > > astrologists. He's had two mistresses.
> >> > > > > He also chain smokes and drinks
> >> > > > > 8 to 10 martinis a day.
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > Candidate B: He was kicked out of office
> >> > > > > twice, sleeps until noon, used opium
> >> > > > > in college and drinks a quart of
> >> > > > > whisky every evening.
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero.
> >> > > > > He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
> >> > > > > drinks an occasional beer and
> >> > > > > hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > Which of these candidates would be your
> >> > > > > choice?
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > Decide first, no peeking, then scroll
> >> > > > > down for the answer.
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > ...
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > ...
> >> > > > > ..
> >> > > > > ..
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > ...
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
> >> > > > > Candidate B is Winston Churchill
> >> > > > > Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > And by the way: Answer to the abortion
> >> > > > > question if you said yes, you
> >> > > > > just killed Beethoven.
> >> > > > >
> >> > > > > Pretty interesting isn't it. Makes a
> >> > > > > person think before judging someone.

---------------------------------------------

The following are from actual medical transcripts
dictated by doctors.

1. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the
3rd day it had completely disappeared.

2. The patient has been depressed ever since she
began seeing me in 1993.

3. She was divorced last April. No other serious
illness.

4. I will be happy to go into her GI system; she
seems ready and anxious.

5. Patient was released to the outpatient
department without dressing.

6. Dr. Blank is watching his prostate. The
patient was advised not to go around exposing himself
to other people.

7. Patient developed a puffy right eye, which was
felt to be caused by an insect bite by an
opthamologist.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no history of suicides.

10. Apparently the mother resented the fact that
she was born in her forties.

11. He had a left toe amputation one month ago.
He also had a left leg amputation a year ago.

---------------------------------------------

>A couple was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband
>insisted the lights be turned off. After 20 years, the wife felt this was
>stupid and figured she would break him out of his crazy habit. One night,
>while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She
>looked down and saw her husband making love to her with a dildo. She
>becomes
>outraged. "You bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you lie to me all
>these years? Explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes
>and
>calmly says, "I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."

---------------------------------------------

This was too cute not to pass on.
Somebody went to a lot of work!

(___)
/' '\
/ /"\\
\_/o o\_/
( _ )
'\ /'
/\\V//\
/ /_ _\ \
\ \__ _/ /
\/===\/
|| ||
|| ||
||_ _ _||
|_____|
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/ Y \
'"'"'

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive
cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she
told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you
cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy
cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the
cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to
the store.
One Cat

|\_.._/|
| o o |
(=T=)
.^'-^-'^.
'. ; .'
| | | | |
((_((|))_))

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most
expensive dog cookies-one for each day of Christmas.

The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming
that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

One Doggie
__----_
/##| \
/###| | \___O
|####| \
|####| _ /
\####/ _____/
\### /
=====
/ \
| |_ \
\___/ |
==\ /
_| |_ |__

She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that
would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She told
the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I
please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
___
(___)
/' '\
/ /"\ \
\_/o o\_/
( _ )
' \ /'
/\\V//\
/ /_ _\ \
\ \__ _/ /
\/===\/
|| ||
|| ||
||_ _ _||
|_____|
|||
/ Y \
'"'"'

MORAL: Never piss off a little old lady

---------------------------------------------
Subject: Amish Virus

Amish Virus

You have just received the Amish virus.

Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system.
Please delete all of the files on your hard drive.

Then forward this message to everyone in your
address book.

Thank thee.

---------------------------------------------
> > Modern Science in Our Schools
> >
> >
> > The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part
> >
> > increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
> >
> >
> > No one answered for a long time till little Mary stood up, angry,
> >
> > and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like
> >
> > that.
> >
> >
> > She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who
>would
> >
> > fire the teacher.
> >
> >
> > The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body
> >
> > part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
> >
> >
> > Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases
> >
> > 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
> >
> > The teacher said "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
> >
> > said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
> >
> > 1 you have a dirty mind,
> >
> > 2 you didn't read your homework, and
> >
> > 3 one day you will be very, very disappointed."