Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
 

We all need a place to read funny stuff, so here's a place where we can all sit back, relax, sling a little porn and get a good laugh. http://bbs.gofuckyourself.com/board/biggrin.gif

Heh-heh-heh.... Here's a little number that a friend sent me this morning:

This one might offend a few people... but that's half the fun, right?

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really bad. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him, "Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"

The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.

The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Mary's, Rosaries and everything was going good. Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.

So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"

To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."


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I shot the sheriff... but the fucking deputy got away.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After
3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd
really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

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"Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes."

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's ompletely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.

One says, "Your *thing* doesn't have any skin on it!"

"Of course, not! I've been circumcised."

"What does that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said they did it on the eighth day after I was born."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt! I couldn't walk for a year!"

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The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."

"The artwork," says Robert.

"Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Her tits!" says Peter.

"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust, "And you, Johnny?"

"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

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That Venus joke killed me. It really did. http://bbs.gofuckyourself.com/board/tongue.gif

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I shot the sheriff... but the fucking deputy got away.

A Russian and an Aussie were competing for the Olympic Gold in wrestling.

Before the final match, the Aussie's trainer warned him, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of his Pretzal hold. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the pretzal hold, because there is no escape.

The match began and the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Aussie, and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzal hold.

The crowd sighed, and the Aussie's trainer buried his head in his hands.

But suddenly there was a SCREAM, and then a cheer from the crowd.

The trainer looked up, to see the big russian flying through the air. The Australian weakly collapsed on top of the russian, and won the match.

His trainer was astounded. He asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No-one has ever done that before!"

The wrestler replied "Well I was ready to give up when he got me, but at the very last moment I looked up and saw a pair of balls in front of my face", he explained, "I had nothing to lose, so I streched out my neck and bit down on those babies as hard as I could."

The coach listened with anticipation, "and you'd be amazed what you can do when you bite your own balls."

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"

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Hmmm.... That 'for my wife' joke took me a few minutes. Yep. Guess I'm tired already and it's not even 7:30 PM yet.

So THIS is what it's like to get older.

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I shot the sheriff... but the fucking deputy got away.

Blakkfrogg and Lensman were a pair of winos. They woke up with the shakes one afternoon to find that they only had forty cents between them. Blackfrogg began to climb the walls, but Lensman said calmly," Look old man, give me the forty cents and I'll show you how we can drink free all day."

So they went into a delicatessen, Lensman bought a frankfurter and placed it in Blakkfrogg's fly. Next, they went into a near by bar and ordered drinks. When the bartender asked for his money Lensman dropped to his knees and started sucking on the frankfurter.
The bartender screamed," You damn queers get out of here."

They repeated this scene in bar after bar, until they had visited a dozen of them. Finally Lensman complained, "Listen Blakkfrogg, it's a great scheme but my knees are getting sore from hitting the floor so much!"

Blakkfrogg shook his head. "You should complain," he said, "We lost the hotdog after the second bar!!"

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OK, Rictor.... I owe you one for that last little joke. rofl

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I shot the sheriff... but the fucking deputy got away.

Facts Of Life (A Man's Perspective!)

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out--while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

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I shot the sheriff... but the fucking deputy got away.

Damn, It's Good to Be a Man!

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

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I shot the sheriff... but the fucking deputy got away.

Riddle for the intellectually minded

At the exact same time, there are two 20 year old men, on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting oral sex from an 85 year old woman.

They are each thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
...........
............
.............
..............
...............
................
.................
..................

Answer: Don't look down

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Congratulations on you 69'th post, Rictor! What are YOU gonna' do?

And Rictor said, "I'm going to rent a porno and suck down cheap beers with my pet chihuahua named Francisco!"

Geez, Rictor. You were supposed to say "Disneyland".....

http://bbs.gofuckyourself.com/board/wink.gif

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I shot the sheriff... but the fucking deputy got away.

Blackkfrogg,

The chihuahua isn't mine! I do sorta have one though...my wife's dog...half Pomeraniana...half chia....a ChiaPom. His name is Pookie, of course. I feed him lots of chocolate to help send him to doggy heaven. Wow, how did you know I got drunk with my dog? You must have that psychic whatchamacallit...ESPN?

Here's another joke for ya:

Men will never win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you want it too often, you are over-sexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

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Seems like you have a point there, Rictor. Men will never when.

What's worse is that male Froggs have even less of a chance. It's OK, though. Chicks really dig our tongues.... never understood why, though. http://bbs.gofuckyourself.com/board/confused.gif

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Warning: Pissing on a live power is stupid.

Blakkfrogg,

Do you have any pet frogs? I have two aquatic frogs in my fish tank. I used to have three but one escaped and turned up later dried out and dead in the dirty laundry. Not sure how he climbed out of the tank or got into the dirty clothes, but he managed it.


Q: What do whores and a lake have in common ?

A: They both have large waterways are wet and smell like fish



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Here's a joke with a "Go Fuck Yourself" theme:

Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma Carlita asked him, "Antonio, what did you learn in school today?"

Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."

Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying. Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"

Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"

Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they learn. It's called sex education!"

Well, Grandma Carlita felt bad about hitting Antonio, so she went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his bedroom door she found him on his bed masturbating. Without a
blink, she said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come downstairs and talk to me."

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Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.

John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later.

George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."

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Well, I didn't date or fuck that secretary. But that guy's wife was pretty good.....

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Warning: Pissing on a live power is stupid.

LOL funny, i knew a guy who that happened too...


Needless to say, he stopped hanging out with me shortly after that...

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-Andrew

"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much Space!"

hmm... two man walk into a bar... one had to get stitches!

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a condom. The clerk asks, "Shall I put this on your bill?" The duck angrily replies, "what kind of duck do u think i am?"

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"Are you pondering the same thing that i'm pondering, pinky?"

Liquid
icq #: 23921154
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Hahaha! That's funny stuff! My problem is I can't always remember the jokes... let me think a bit... hmmm...

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Keyser
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A man is driving late one Saturday night when a cop pulls him over. The
policeman walked up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving?"

"No," replies the policeman, "you were driving fine. It's the ugly fat
chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

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Warning: Pissing on a live power is stupid.

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?".

"What ? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

MEDICAL NEWS FLASH

Viagra now available in liquid form.

FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new, easy-to-take liquid form.

Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one

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Read every letter in the letter's name.
"|" means new word.
BB|BS|OT

If you know hebrew you will understand http://bbs.gofuckyourself.com/board/smile.gif

Errr....Hebrew...yah...they only offered Spanish at my school.

Donde esta el cuarto de bano?

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Hmmmmm..... Hebrew? Let me check my manual. Nope nothing about having to know Hebrew. Care to translate for us?

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Warning: Pissing on a live power is stupid.

These are racist jokes that I just heard.
I AM NOT RACIST I JUST THOUGHT THESE ARE SOMEWHAT FUNNY!DO NOT HATE ME http://bbs.gofuckyourself.com/board/frown.gif

Q.How long does it take a black lady to shit?
A.9 Months.(pregnancy)

Q.I have a black man in my family tree.
A.Yeah he's still there

Q.How do you kill a black man?
A.Stick his lips out of a moving car.

Q.What do you call a black kid with a bike?
A. A thief.

I'm sorry if these have offened anyone cause more then likely SOMEONE out there will hate me. I'm sorry my best friend is black I just wanted to get my name in this topic http://bbs.gofuckyourself.com/board/smile.gif



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-Xalos

Liquid and I were talking yesterday when I told him, "I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."

"So what happened?" he asked.

"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"

"Why would he want you to sit to pee?" Liquid asked.

"Well", I said, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."

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From the Morning Herald, Sydney Australia comes this
> story of a central west couple who drove their car to
> K-Mart only to have their car break down in the
> parking
> lot.
>
> The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping
> while
> he fixed the car there in the lot.
>
> The wife returned later to see a small group of
> people near the car.
>
> On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
> protruding from under the chassis. Although the man
> was
> in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts
>
> into glaringly public ones.
>
> Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully
> stepped
> forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked
>
> everything back into place.
>
> On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and
> found herself staring at her husband who was standing
> idly by.
>
> The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in
> his
> head.


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The harder I work the luckyer I get

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.


4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it
may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny
as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which
occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member
which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

And, the number one thing women would do if they woke up with a
penis...

1. Repeat number 9.

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and
make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied,
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long, hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of
them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and
going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and
I think you should do the same."

The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and a lot of drinks with
friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight.

The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry.

At two-thirty in came the hired hand.

The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. "Now I'm the boss," she said, "and you have to do
what I tell you, right?"
"Well, yes," he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. He did as she asked.
"Now take off my shoes." He did.
"Now take off my stockings." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked.
"Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him.

Then she looked at him and said; "Don't ever wear my clothes to town again."

That's only for israelis, sorry http://bbs.gofuckyourself.com/board/smile.gif

Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband
and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage
insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I
wanted to follow as best could, so I told my 6-year-old son to
run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex
right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he
made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera
and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies
made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover
that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the
mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld

Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked
at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins,
31, Ferndale, MI

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that
sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and
I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has
never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

Na-na na-na na-nah!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked
me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you
don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard
when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson;
Stafford, Virginia

Surprise!
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited
my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a nude piggyback
ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we
didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom
of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole
crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!" My entire family: aunts,
uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing
there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party
again.
Tim Cahill,
Poughkeepsie, New York

Priceless
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories
I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked
up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up
to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no
price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker
got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back
over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH
YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Mom's Advice
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him
to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother
and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned
to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of
the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting
at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to
call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told
me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me
up from school."

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Warning: Pissing on a live power is stupid.

A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which
reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.
Checking his wallet for the necessary funds, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving
drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she answers with a
knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I
am" The man replies "Well wash your bloody hands, I want a cheese
sandwich!"

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Warning: Pissing on a live power is stupid.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
party.

The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three
days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is
your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger.
The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops
away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman
on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you
in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's
ear. As before, Silver takes off across the
plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to
the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a voluptuous brunet, even more attractive than the blond.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You
are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still
kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver
by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says. "Listen carefully.
For the last time, I need a posse! P - O - S - S - E ! ! ! ! "

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www.wyldpussy.com/webmasters.html

why do women wear perfume and makeup?

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Cause they are ugly and they stink!

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and
>after a romantic evening of wining and dining they go
>off to bed.
>
>However, as soon as they settle down, the husband, not
>quite ready for slumber, leans over and whispers
>softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby
>wubby isn't quite ready for beddy-byes yet."
>
>The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to
>use the bathroom first."
>
>So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a
>piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
>
>Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone,
>"Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all
>right?"
>
>No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have
>mad, passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the
>wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way
>she trips over the same piece of carpet and again
>lands flat on her face on the floor.
>
>Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River bridge. After traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead", stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper
for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't
believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go,Lavinia).

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www.wyldpussy.com/webmasters.html

NOMINEE No. 1:

[San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man,using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's
windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.


NOMINEE No. 2:

[Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck. " Burns got a
friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on
something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."


NOMINEE No. 3:

[Hickory Daily Record]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in
Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.


NOMINEE No. 4:

[UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted a demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.


NOMINEE No. 5:

[Bloomberg News Service]
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of
a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6:

["News of the Weird"]
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7:

["The Indianapolis Star"]
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana.
A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle
loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.


NOMINEE No. 8:
[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

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www.wyldpussy.com/webmasters.html

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

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PigPorn TGP Big Penis Webmaster Program - Free Bannerless Hosting!

.


[This message has been edited by pet (edited 07-08-2001).]

Bomb squad jokes, http://www.lightningfree.com/7/bake/whtz/bomb.html

Sorry about the 404 hope this fixes it
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The harder I work the luckyer I get

[This message has been edited by Bake (edited 01-26-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Bake (edited 01-26-2001).]

Pet....

That was actually a pure and total coincidence. BUT, as we all know, nothing good can occur in the absence of a Frogg. http://bbs.gofuckyourself.com/board/wink.gif

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www.wyldpussy.com/webmasters.html

This soldier had been stationed overseas and was fooling
around on his wife. She was back home in the states. She
found out about it through some anonymous letters.

The soldier gets a package from his wife. He finds inside a
batch of homemade cookies and a video tape of his favorite
stateside TV shows.

He invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape. They're
all having a great time eating the cookies and watching
episodes of "South Park".

Right in the middle of one episode, though, the tape cuts to a
home video of the soldier's wife, on her knees, giving the
soldier's best friend oral sex.

After a few seconds, the best friend "does his business" and
she turns, on camera, and spits it right into . . . a mixing bowl
of cookie dough.

The wife then looks right into the camera and says, "I want a
divorce."

Now THAT'S a "Dear John" letter.
~~~~~~

When my son first start dating he said, "I want to marry a
good woman, a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to
our kids, a woman who will make me happy."

I told him he'd better make up his mind.
~~~~~
Posted in alt.sex.bestiality:

I have had a fascination for animal sex and I have decided that
I would like to fuck my cat. Can anybody tell me how to go
about fucking a cat?.

Reply posted a day later:

You must make sure the cat can't bite or scratch you. Put a
bag over the cat's head and loosely tie it on. Now with the
cat's teeth covered slip little leather booties over its paws.

Gently tie the back legs together and then tie them to the
forelegs. Now throw the cat into the neighbors yard with the
big German Sheppard and Voila! You've fucked your cat!
~~~~~

What's the similar between American beer and having sex in a boat??

=
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It's both fucking close to water!!
**********************************

Greetings /\\/\\
(Grolsch, the other dutch beer, made me do this)

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Good Advice: Never Eat Yellow Snow