I've just lost the woman I've loved for almost ten years
 

This is very long and the last thing I need is sarcastic comments or stupid requests for a summary. So, please don't bother to reply if that is your intention. Also, if you're a tough guy with no emotions, skip this one. In fact, it would be OK with me if no one actually read this. The catharsis is in the act of writing, not in being read.

I know I will regret posting this.

(Continued in next message...)

SpaceAce

This is so pathetic. I've never brought my personal life to a message board before and I thought I never would but all my friends live thousands of miles away and I don't have anyone to talk to.

Alana is the only woman I've ever loved. We've been together since we were teenagers and I thought we would be together forever. I can't remember the last time I looked into my future and didn't see her there. She accepted me for who I was when no one else including my family did. She was there when I was just a kid sweeping floors at Convenient and she was there for me the day my mother threw me out of the house into the winter snow with nowhere to go. She snuck me into her attic so I would have somewhere to stay. She was there when I was living in someone else's basement scraping out a living working for Minuteman. When I was sleeping in my car with the broken clutch and walking back and forth from the gas station to buy gas to run the heater so I wouldn't freeze to death, she was there. She brought me food from her college cafateria when I couldn't get enough to eat and spent the nights sleeping in the passenger seat next to me. She was there with me when I found my way into an emergency shelter and she was there when I entered their Transitional Living Program and got back ony my feet. We got our first apartment together in a rundown old building in downtown Cleveland, fifty yards from the projects and the ghettos. We were sleeping on the crummy old bed the apartment complex provided and cooking on the ancient gas stove but it was home because she was there with me. When I lost my job, she was there to keep things going until I found my way into this industry. She took care of me better than anyone else ever had. When I started doing well with my internet ventures, she was there to enjoy the rewards. Over the years we've had plenty of ups and downs but we always stayed together.

I watched her go from a flighty teen girl to one of the most impressive women I have ever known. She went out and got what she wanted. She took internships at the MS society doing PR, at a television news station doing various things, with an NPR radio station and eventually with a newspaper chain in the Cleveland area. I watched her struggle through school as we struggled through life and I was there when she graduated from both highschool and college. I never graduated from highschool and watching her get her diplomas made me so proud I thought I would burst.

She entered the highly competetive world of journalism and inch by inch made her way through the ranks from intern to reporter at a weekly to reporter at a daily and eventually she pursued and won a job at the Las Vegas Sun. I moved a lot when I was a kid, mostly around south Florida, and I moved around quite a lot in Cleveland. I also spent time homeless; in my car, on the streets, at shelters. I despise moving and all I really wanted was to stay where we were. It's easy for me to make casual friends but I only have two real solid friends in my life. Both of them live in Cleveland and I didn't want to leave them behind but I did because I love Alana more than I care about everything else in my life combined. So, I packed up everything in my life and left the only stability I had ever known. We came here to Las Veas last September and I thought we were moving forward with our lives.

Then, one night she rolls over in bed and taps me on the shoulder. "I think we should break up." I never even saw it coming. We'd had a stupid argument a few weeks previous and it had gone on longer than it should with us not being as friendly as we should have been, both of us waiting for the other person to make things right. During this time, an ex-coworker of hers came to town and took us out to dinner. Without telling me what was bothering her and without giving me a chance to fix the things that she saw as being wrong, she started calling this guy behind my back and set it all up nice and cozy so she would have someone to fall back on. Then she dropped the bomb on me.

Now I know all the things that were bothering here; things I didn't know or I knew but didn't understand the importance of. I've spent the last month doing everything I can to convince her that the things that are wrong can be fixed. I've never wanted anything as badly as I want a chance to show her that she was wrong about how I felt about her and that she was wrong about where our lives were heading but she won't give it to me. She tells me she wants to be married ow and she wants children and she actually believes she has a better chance getting those things sooner by starting a new relationship somewhere else with someone who, when he was here, told us how he doesn't have time for a relationship. This guy works in a job that requires him to keep two houses - one in New Jersey and one in Ohio - and flies him all around the country for work purposes. She's impressed by his job and his "drive". By the time she realizes that type-A drive that makes him so attractive to her also keeps him out of the house and often makes for a lonely life for the woman, it will be too late.

I've been 100% loyal to Alana at all times. I'd been with girls before her but I have not so much as kissed another woman since the day we first went out. I've never hit her, I've never ridiculed the things she's wanted in her life and I've never lied to her. When I am out of her site, she knows with absolute certainty that her love is safe with me and that I will be coming home to her. I would never dream of betraying her trust in even the most minor of ways. I wonder if she will find that with any other person in this world. I know she will never find anyone that loves her more than I do. My mother has never been my biggest fan and our relationship is strained at best. My mother is not the kind of mother who would take my side just because I am her son but when she found out about this, she said, "You're the only experience she's had with men and she doesn't know how bad it can be." I hope Alana never finds out how bad it can be. Now that I am fully aware of what's been wrong with our lives in her view, I know they can be fixed but she made her decision a month ago without coming to me with what was wrong and now I will never have a chance to make things right. I guess this man she's leaving me for talks a good game and she's willing to believe whatever he tells her.

Tonight she got on a plane.

I've never felt a hurt so huge in my life. I've known the pain of losing friends and loved ones; I've known the pain of watching my father slowly kill himself with drugs and alcohol; I've known the rejection of my family and the people who should by my rocks in this life; I've known the humiliation and desperation of being homeless in this country. At the center of everything was my woman who was the bright spot in my life no matter what was wrong and who I thought I would always have. Losing her is worse than every other pain and humiliation I have ever experienced rolled together. Growing up, crying was not acceptable for a male child. Honestly, I didn't think I could cry anymore. I thought tears were impossible for me. There have been situations in my life where I knew I should cry but I couldn't. I've wept like a child over this, though. It's pathetic and I am disgusted with myself but some things you just can't control. When I think I can get no sadder, I remember another special moment or something about my lover that I had forgotten and the hurt gets even worse. Worst of all is that all I wanted was a chance to fix eveything I had done wrong. I wanted nothing from Alana but a little bit of her time. I asked nothing return except that she stay and let me try to make things right. If I failed and we could not fix our life together, at least I would have the comfort of knowing we tried. She couldn't give me that, though. Her feelings for this man that she barely knows and has seen only once in two years are so strong that she couldn't put them off for a couple of months to work things out. I am the only person she has in the city and she is the only person I have. When she comes back Monday from her little field trip, we'll still be stuck living under the same roof.

So, here I am 2,000 miles from my family (such as it is) and the only two friends I have had since Junior High, truly alone for the first time in ten years. Yes, everyone gets their their heart broken at some point and, yes, it's nothing special but that doesn't matter. Alana was truly the thing that made my life worth living. Everything I wanted, I wanted because of her. All of my plans I planned for her. Every time I saw my future, I saw her. I'm more hurt and sad than I could have ever imagined. I am something I thought I was above, something I thought my previous life experience had made me immune to. I am lonely.

I know you don't care and I know you're all way too manly to feel this way and if you did feel this you'd be way too tough to admit it. Good for you. I thought I was tough, too, but you'd be amazed at how quickly you can crumble if the circumstances are right. So, I sit here now lost and utterly without direction, staring at the ceiling and thinking of all the things I could have done differently. I'm posting this because I have to release some of what is inside me and I know that at least one of you will read this and truly understand. The rest of you will snicker and mock but it's your loss if you've never known a love strong enough to make you understand. I hope those of you that do have what I just lost never lose it, yourselves.


SpaceAce
affiliates at cutecouples dot com
8106140

woah dude....

Fuck man, I am really sorry to hear that. I know exactly what you're going through though, it's funny how one woman can make life so great then turn around and make it miserable.

72458277.

I've been 100% loyal to Alana at all times. I'd been with girls before her but I have not so much as kissed another woman since the day we first went out. I've never hit her, I've never ridiculed the things she's wanted in her life and I've never lied to her. When I am out of her site, she knows with absolute certainty that her love is safe with me and that I will be coming home to her. I would never dream of betraying her trust in even the most minor of ways. I wonder if she will find that with any other person in this world. I know she will never find anyone that loves her more than I do.


I think this will answer your questions. Read this over again.



Dude -


I went through this....


...when I was 19. This is the type of thing you need to experience in life. There are many, MANY women who would love to have you as their man.


www.lavalife.com


No kidding, just go on there and browse the listings.


Couples meet, fall in love, and rarely stay together forever. Most break up, drift apart, divorce, or OJ each other.


Such is life.

Get well soon Space Ace

and I mean that with nothing but positivity intended

wow, that is truly sad

I have never yet seen a GFY post with so much emotion involved

you really loved this girl, and she is gone

I can't possibly say I know how you must feel, so I can only wish you one thing, a fast-as-hell recovery

although it will not be easy, it will be best... and some day you can tell your kids this story, about a girl you once loved who left from your life

I wish you all the best man, hit me up if you wanna talk about anything, I will give you a shoulder to cry on

my best wishes go to you...

your friend,

- Robert

Wow, that really and truly sucks. You have my deepest sympathies. Truly.

Sorry to hear about it man, hope you pull through, remember that every days a new day, and things will get better :-)
take it easy
Justin

Fuck man.
Just be prepared for when she comes crawling back to you. And she will do this.
It will be tough, but you need to tell her no.
:2 cents:

I am so sorry for everything that you have just been put through. I know that that is no condolence for you, but it is all that I have. I hope she realizes what she has lost. Your story truly broke my heart, and I hope you only the best while you work your way through it.

You know theres nothing you could of did to stop her from leaving you... atleast not then. It seems that she wanted to leave you for quite a while already. Its just she probably couldn't because she was still attached.

Usually when a girl leaves you. Someone you've been in a relationship for a very long time leaves you its because the bad outweighs the good. It means she wasn't happy. Even though you had your good times there were times when she wasn't happy. Its just reached a point where she couldn't take it anymore...

This other man. She's probably just using him as a reason to breakup with you. Its her way of rationalizing the breakup.

sorry about your brake up SpaceAce, don't know if this will help but time heals all wounds

Most importantly - don't follow anyone's advice! That being said, I've learned the hard way to never make a decision in the heat of the moment. Always follow your heart and you will never be disappointed. Let life unfold as it should - we can only control what we can control - nothing more...

Good luck bro, I truly hope everything works out for you!

For what it's worth, that's my :2 cents:

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies and so much support. I appreciate everyone who is taking the time to give a kind reply. Sometimes GFY can still surprise me.

SpaceAce

Sorry to hear that...good luck to you

:(

posting all that stuff was one step towards getting over her. you'll be fine soon :thumbsup

Women are bitches and can't be trusted. Either they're fucking obsessed with you to the point you can't breathe or they could care less about you and love to torture you. There's no middle ground. I'm sure other people have had different experiences, but it seems to me that when you don't really care about a woman she'll fall terminally in love with you and turn into a psycho jealous bitch. If you really care she'll sense that and know she can get away with anything and your life will be hell until she finally loses interest and leaves you for the surfer across the street.

Another woman is the best way to get over the old woman. Don't allow yourself to sit around and get metaphysical, TRY to get out and find a new one. If you can't hook up a new one then the emotions from this one will fester and fuck you up.

jesus man i truly feel for you :(

i have heart my heart just virtually crushed by a girl who in turn made me not trust ANYONE in my life. but i honestly believe in the saying its better to have loved....ah u know. im sorry man, only time will heal this.:(

Of course there's nothing I can say to help the situation or change the way you feel right now, but you have my deepest sympathy.

You have demonstrated nothing but first class attitude and generosity since I met you online. Things will work out for you and you will be stronger in the end.

Keep your chin up....her loss.

I'm sorry you had to experience this. I've been hurt a zillion times in my life and it never gets any easier.

Dig, you've been dating the wrong women, apparently. I know several women who are neither obsessively clingy or totally uncaring. There is a middle ground if you find a sane woman. :)

Another woman is the best way to get over the old woman. Don't allow yourself to sit around and get metaphysical, TRY to get out and find a new one. If you can't hook up a new one then the emotions from this one will fester and fuck you up.


Hell yeah.


www.lavalife.com


:)

Keep in mind that EVERYBODY gets their heart broken at least once. It even happened to me when I was about 22 and I always thought I was bulletproof :1orglaugh :1orglaugh I remember waking up in the middle of the night calling that bitch's name because I dreamed that I heard her voice lol... sooooo melodramatic....

It's one of the things that makes you more human. You WILL get over it and be a better person for it sooner or later.

I know what you're going through, sort of.

I'd like to tell you that things will get better. But they won't. They're going to get worse first.

Hang in there though .. There is life after love. It's just going to take you some time to get there.

sorry dude

are you a movie actor? :1orglaugh :thumbsup

I normally reply to everyone who takes the time to reply to my messages but you guys are posting faster than I can. I want everyone to know how much I appreciate the support. Some of you I've done business with and some of you I don't know at all but I appreciate every reply. When my eyes dry, I'll try to read them all from start to finish.

SpaceAce

Sorry.

The only thing that will make it get better is time. It sounds like a stupid cliche, but it's true.

There has been one positive out of all of this.. it made me finally check out your program. :)

Does [email protected] reach you? I have a few questions.

Every cloud has a silver lining. :2 cents:

I thought my last break up would kill me, but now I'm with someone even better. Unfortunately, we're now heading towards breakup anyway. As long as you move on, you'll be fine.

Affiliates at will get directly to me.

I will be replying to everyone as soon as I can. Thanks again for the replies.

SpaceAce

One of the hardest things in life is coming to the brute realization that Love is not forever.

Love can take us to the heights of joy and also to the sadness and emptiness of a broken heart.

Just know SpaceAce that somewhere out there right now there is a girl breaking up with her guy and she's your next love to be. You might not meet her tomorrow, you might not meet her this month, maybe not even this year. Hearts need time to heal and mend before they are ready to fall in love again.

But your next love is out there, and the hands of destiny will guide her to you and you to her.

As hard as it is, you have to let go. You have to know what was is no more and can never be again.

Love has a beginning and unfortunately also an ending.

Smile and cherish the memories. She can never take those from your heart. Those you can keep forever.

Everything is meant to be and one day you'll look back and be able to understand why it had to be.

sorry to hear about this man :(

shit like that is hard to get through, but someone it always works out for the best

Alright.. will write you something tommorow.. reply whenever, no rush. :)

Keep your head up and remember what Tupac taught us:

Bitches ain't shit.

it will take time, but you will heal. Right now you feel like nobody can understand your pain, but a lot of people have been through this, including myself. I never saw it coming either. I spent countless nights thinking what went wrong and how things could have been different. But at the end nobody can help you except yourself. Stay focused, stay strong. Don't hate her for what she did. Don't hate yourslef for what happened. Maybe it was meant to be this way. I hope you find your way fast. Because you WILL find your way sooner or later. And one day you will look back and remember the good parts and the beautiful memories.

Don't look at this as an ending, but as a beginning to something new. I know its hard but you need to see it this way.

you're not alone sweety! but you can sleep well knowing that she will NEVER find a man HALF as good and loyal and faithful as you. why girls dump the best men for assholes or morons, i will never know.

just let the hurt "burn" . its going to be a rough ride for a while, but the only thing that will make you feel better is time.....TIME!!!!! Give it time!!!!! sounds like BS right now, but after some time passes, you will be okay. you probably will always love her; 10 yrs is a lot to throw away.

I wish you nothing but the best!!

Sincerly,
Baba

xoxoxo's!!!!!!:)

:( damn... I'm sorry to hear about this...

Man that sucks..having your heart ripped out and stomped on like that is at times unbarable. But, if it's any consolation and you can forgive the cliche, time does heal all wounds and it WILL make you a better person..trust me.

something very similar happened to me a few years ago...the constant feeling I had back then was indescribable?horrible

remember that once you get used to somebody, it is very difficult to break away from them?.she might come back

when a person goes through a ?traumatic? experience, such as what you seem to be going through, they typically go through a short but very intense period of mourning, which then begins to go away?

icq me if you want to talk, I would be happy to relate to you, the experience will never leave me

45471840

SpaceAce, you have an enormous amount of respect from me.

It takes a real man to confess his love for a woman on a furum like GFY.

Keep your head up.

Shell be back.

Count on it.
:thumbsup

looks like you have some good supporters....got 2pac on your side ;-)

Move out ASAP... even if you have to break the lease. You DEFINATELY do NOT want to remain living with her... your life can't go on with her as your "roommate".

It's just advice. I've been there. I moved out and survived on $250 a week for a year. My new rent was $600 a month... you do the math. At times, I had $5.00 to eat for a few days... thank God for Ramen noodles and my old cigarette butts that I would save for the tight times.

WOW, I actually feel sorry for you even though I dont give a fuck who you are. I think I would actually cry if my gf left me and I dont do stuff like that...

I hope you get over the loss sooner or later.

Sorry to hear that bro.
KRL was right tho-

You can still cherish and enjoy the times there were had.. as much as she might want to deny, she was part of your life, and helped you get to where you are today.

You will always have these memories; when you move on, you'll still always share the parts of her that you loved the most :)

It takes courage to pour out your feelings like this and I respect you for that. I hope things come right between the two of you. After reading your post I was reminded of this verse...

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were...

hell yeah! damn, those things are gold.

they saved my ass many times.

Wow. I've been in those shoes before. Mine was a death, but the feelings were still sorta the same. I literally felt like I wasn't attatched to my body for about a week. That was in 1993 and I spent about a year thinking that, in my 20's, that my life was over. No more Mark, no more life.

But I kept on living. Week to week. And then I started to think about people I knew in that "special" kinda way. :) I started to date a little bit. Nothing too exciting. Then I met a guy who was different from the others. Anyway, long story short.... We got married 15 days ago. I never would have been able to imagine the possibility that I'd recover from the loss. Let alone find someone equally wonderful to share the rest of my life with.

I don't know if you can hear it yet, but your life will go on. You will get over it. You will find a way to move past it and you will find a completely new and different life somewhere out there. Don't let it destroy you before you get there.