Pilot Gripes (Hilarious)
 

Emailed to me today. It may be old, but it's funny.

Subject: Pilot Gripes


After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the
flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in
writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The
pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only
major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

:1orglaugh But if I was a Pilot flying for that crew for the first

time... I'd be scared very scared. But nice to see that they have a sense of humor.

I guess this board is not into CLEAN humor...

:1orglaugh Good stuff

Its bullshit. Why would Quantas have an IFF and Target Radar?

:1orglaugh

those are awesome :thumbsup

:1orglaugh

That's pretty good man.

did not read post but pratt and whitney engines make some wicked fireball of death noises when taking off.

Here's some more from snopes.com...



In typical folkloric fashion, this item has appeared with a variety of differing details and content since it started making the rounds of the Internet back in 1997. Versions use both British and American spellings of 'tire'; attribute the list to maintenance crews servicing the United States Air Force, the Royal Air Force, and the Australian commercial airline Qantas; and encompass some entries while omitting others. An earlier version of this list included the following items not appearing in the example quoted above:


Defect: The autopilot doesn't.
Action: IT DOES NOW.


Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.


Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!


Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.


Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.


Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.


Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.


Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.


Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.


Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.


Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.


Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.


Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

LOL.. fucking funny... doesn't matter if it's made up or not.

:1orglaugh

:1orglaugh good one :1orglaugh

Amazing! Thanks for the laugh! :1orglaugh

Cool stuff I hadn't seen that one before :thumbsup

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

So funny! :1orglaugh