GoFuckYourself.com - Adult Webmaster Forum

The lawn:

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung." I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am, that's why she cuts the grass".

-----------------------------------------------------------

Hangover:

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes. The first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order, spotless clean; so is the rest of the house. He takes the two aspirin and notices a note on the table that reads, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough there sits a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son answers, "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS

--------------------------------------------------------

Older sex:

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well!"

"Ok," he says "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oooooooh Harry, you devil. That sounds like a good idea!" she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this. Two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

He follows them... They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhh, God"... he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing. He was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple passes, he says to them,"That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?

"No, there's no secret" the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric!"