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Hi - this post was meant for another messageboard but the moderator banned it. It took me over an hour to hahahahaha and I didn't want it to go to waste so I'll post it here:

After some harmless experiments with LSD aged 15, in which nothing more than laughter and wonder accompanied me, I started to orally ingest cannabis, gross though that was. I soon found that, when accompanied with alcohol I would experience the most sensational and fantastic visions, utterly indescribable, although I will take a stab at some kind of description. Imagine all the dreams you've ever had, the most wonderful, weird ones and put them all together, that might come close. It was as if by reducing myself to zero I could fill myself utterly with ... alterity. You know those strange atmospheres you can only experience in dreams? Imagine hundreds of those hurtling through your mind at light speed, one after the other, completely alien thoughtscapes of indescribable beauty and wonder morphing and eveloping you completely. Perhaps that comes as close as possible to expounding the creative ecstasy of this experience for me.

As I got a little older and went to university, there developed a powerful drive within me to uncover the mysteries of the universe and I would often bore my friends to distraction with my endless witterings on the nature of the cosmos. As it was the most readily available substance at the time I began taking speed (amphetamine) to attempt to gain some philosophical perspective.

At first I just used to talk a lot and act hyper as you would expect but after a few weeks it began to bring me an ineffable calm and bliss and I would just sit in the corner of a club or something, crosslegged and grinning like a buddha. I started to feel the barrier between myself and the universe beginning to break down, I felt like I was opening up, like I was a vessel for the light of the universe.

Soon the sharp focus of my life and mind at the time, philosophy, begin to elicit information from the light, and amazing thoughts cascaded through my opened mind. I filled notepads and books with the ideas that were being given to me, sometimes staying up for several days at a time. In my peak moments I saw the truth and the purpose of life, I saw what we are, what we really are, pulses of infinity, the eternal regeneration, 0 becomes 2 becomes 1, divided for love's sake. I could see so clearly with my mind's eye that reality as we know it would drop away below me and I could soar through realms of pure knowledge and pure bliss. Everything took on more dimensions, I could see the galaxies and solar systems for what they are in their higher dimensional aspects. I saw the birth of gods, the vortexes of light that reach through from the source into our darkness, and I knew it all as One.

In other moments I could flesh out the principles of my revelations, which were known as truth not in the way I know that the sun will rise tomorrow but as absolute certainty of the kind which renders doubt absurd. Regular thinking processes and traditional modes of gaining knowledge philosophically seemed laughable and utterly sluggish compared to the insight from this electric, instantaneous Light .

Of course, such is the way of things, eventually the repurcussions began to hit. The come-downs became more and more intolerable, and I had to take more speed to attain the same level of consciousness. I would take five or six grams at a time sometimes and by the end of my first term at university I was virtually hallucinating all the time and filled with fear. At this point I thought enough was enough and came off it relatively easily. Needless to say, the world as we know it becomes a very barren and cold place after such experiences. It is as a pale shadow, or a spectre, distant voices seem to echo through this dark vale and glimpses of Reality are fleeting and ambiguous, I truly felt we were cursed!

Soon LSD started to become available, I could again gain access to that high place. It was more powerful than speed but much more difficult to control. I could spend all night writing again but the mind set and your setting are very very important. I would normally take it after or during a night out and if you lose your friends or have an unpleasant experience or thought it can cause no end of problems. I almost lost the plot a couple of times and I had to summon superhuman power to overcome the urge to panic and lose my mind. I felt so close to the edge that at times it was truly hellish, peering isolated into the abyss there was no way out, not even death or suicide it seemed. The waves of panic and despair and utter terror crashed violently against my fragile, vulnerable mind, I felt Moses holding back the seas as they towered menacingly and awesomely above me. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had not managed to stay in relative control, no doubt I would have done myself serious and permanent mental damage.

I should add that most of the time it was an amazing experience, sometimes like living in a fairy tale with you as narrator and character, and sometimes the hilarity was just too much to bare and I felt serious concern for my ribs after laughing fits that seemed to last for hours. Perhaps laughter is the highest response we can have to the universe, perhaps it is the bliss of all those seemingly disparate entities that we call manifestation being revealed as One, as connected, but laughter is the stepped down, human perception of this.

One extraordinary trip that I will never forget was when my friend prepared some Fly Agaric mushrooms for us. These are the red toadstools with white spots that you often see illustrated in fairy tails - Alice in Wonderland springs to mind. Although poisonous, once you have got over the vomitting and nausea this mushroom provides a singularly unique experience, quite unlike any other psychotropic. It is as though your imagination becomes more real than your normal, worldly perceptions and you have complete control over your visions. You can simply create anything you want and live it and it is as real if not more real than everyday life. I also seemed to remain in complete control of my normal vision and could carry out tasks as normal, flicking between one world and the other. No startling revelations, but great mind candy. [Note: Just as I finished this paragraph I looked at the TV guide to check what was on later, opened at random, what should I see? A large Fly Agaric staring back at me! ... what a strange place this is.]

Ecstacy (E) began to appear soon after. This drug had been so hyped up before I tried it that I expected disappointment. The first experience was similar to the accounts I gave of speed, the light, the bliss, the knowledge but as I began to take it more recreationally the knowledge ceased and only the warmth, joy and ecstacy remained. How to describe... this is a truly human drug, you don't realise just how we separate ourselves from each other with mindless bickering, petty self absorption, doubt, and mistrust, until you have seen the walls come tumbling down and can see what remains; a beautiful, glowing radiant star. A drop of pure love from the limitless sea, encased in flesh, redeeming it with its hidden, infinite force. You can stare into someone's eyes and there is no separation, it doesn't seem possible that you can be so close, it is like time off from the illusion of separation, a well earned rest from the toil of isolated existence, a glimpse at the goal.

The come-down off E is horrendous, and the reason why I probably will never do it again. Life becomes miserable for days on end, and it gets worse the more you do it. And you can get contaminated pills, I took one once and almost lost my mind, I don't know what it was mixed with but I went mad with fear and my consciousness entered the body of a crow that was circling above me - I won't even try to describe the terror of that experience.

Shortly after these psychedelic voyages, after I had started to take drugs recreationally rather than for enlightenment, I lost my bag while I was out one night and with it, all my notes and books. Devastated I began to search for literature on mysticism, to see if I could find any parallels to what I thought I had uncovered. To my astonishment I found that theosophical writings echoed my own thoughts almost exactly. I wracked my brain to think if I may have come across these books before I began my mind quests, that perhaps I had subconsciously repeated something that I already knew. But no, it seems that Truth is universal, varying only in colour. The more extravagant claims of the theosophists I found hard to reconcile with my own discoveries and I soon found the teachings of the Tibetan by Alice A. Bailey. These books had the unfortunate effect of halting my personal spiritual develpment because I felt I could never articulate my thoughts better than she had. So I joined her occult school in the hope of re-energising my spiritual pursuits, and finding a way beyond drugs to gain illumination. After three years study and daily meditation, some of which proved valuable, but never quite as potent as chemognosis, I gave up. I couldn't live up to what was expected from me in the school and I have not progressed since.