| Jedimaster |
04-04-2004 12:50 PM |
Breaking News From GOD regarding Muslim Suicide Bombers
A critical shortage of virgins has suddenly put Heaven itself in the hot seat, informed sources say. The problem cast doubt on whether Islamic martyrs will continue to receive the 72 virgins promised to them as a reward for sacrificing their lives for God. Speculation began circulating that future martyrs might soon be entitled to 60, or perhaps even fewer, virgins.
The Almighty readily admitted to the problem. "It's a simple matter of supply and demand," He explained. "Just do the math. The September 11 hijackers: there were 19 of them, right? That's over 1300 virgins right there. On top of that, look at all the recent suicide bombers in the occupied territories. Every one of those bombers - even the women - gets the 72 virgins." God threw up His arms in exasperation. "Where am I supposed to get all these Virgins from? Do I look like I'm made of virgins?"
Disappointed, followers did not accept the Lord's explanation at face value. "The Qur'an promises us 72 virgins if we sacrifice our lives in the name of Allah," complained prominent Muslim scholar Muhammad Sayed Haqla. "Seventy-two. Not 71, and certainly not 60. I'm trying to recruit prospective martyrs here. If I have to tell people they might only get only 60 or fewer virgins, they're going to do it"
As a stopgap measure, God has proposed the use of young, "barely broken-in" non-virgins for less illustrious martyrs. "These guys who blow themselves up and injure, like, three people - they're just abusing the system," the Creator complained. " The 72 virgins are really intended for the big shots, the Mohammed Attas. So, for the lesser guys, I'm offering non-virgins. But you must realize, these girls are young, they're supple, they're innocent. Sure, they've had one or two experiences. But the average guy is not going to be able to tell the difference. In fact, I defy you to tell the difference."
Unsatisfied, Haqla scoffed at the proposal. "He thinks we can't tell virgins from non-virgins? He must be taking us for fools. 'One or two experiences,' He says? 'Barely broken in?' Sounds like a snow job to me." Asked whether He should have promised His followers 72 virgins if He was unable to keep up with demand, God answered testily, "Yeah, well, you do this job."
Scholars and prominent Muslims like Haqla showed little sympathy for God's position. Haqla in particular feels his recruitment effort is in jeopardy. "With the promise of 72 virgins in doubt, I just can't recruit the kind of talent I need. Let's face it, these guys who strap bombs to their chests and walk into a crowded market - they aren't doing it for the glory, they're not doing it for the moral satisfaction. They're doing it for the virgins." - Kesha
|
