GoFuckYourself.com - Adult Webmaster Forum - Complete carnal kung fu by sensei hoaxsan. (knowledge of the ancients)

I have recently imparted the first lessons of carnal kung fu to a long time student. I will share these secrets to you all with the intent of filling the world with more powerful warriors, you're welcome ladies. Its a long read...but it is the knowledge of the ancient's.

What follows are the lessons I have imparted...

skifreshpow: i need to continued advice, its difficult to satiate a 30 yr old
skifreshpow: be back
Yahoo! Messenger: skifreshpow has logged out. (3/24/2004 12:33 PM)
hoaxr1: Sure thing. But realise, if I tell you these things...any woman you unleash these skills on will never leave you alone. seriously...don't whip this kung fu out on some friday night glass turtle hog, or she'll never leave you alone.
skifreshpow: so no kung foo on a hogger
hoaxr1: But if you use the fung fu on a hottie that might be out of your league...you may keep her around for a bit.
skifreshpow: i like your logic
hoaxr1: So the first rule is this...she wants the cock as much as you want to give it to her. But conversely...they always want more what they can't have.
skifreshpow: yes masta, i rub on an rub off
hoaxr1: So...it comes down to supreme disciplin over mind and body grasshopper. Danielsan didn't come straight with the crane kick right?
skifreshpow: ahh soooooooo
hoaxr1: heheh...so...the first thing you must do is confuse your opponent, use varying tactics to keep her off gaurd.
skifreshpow: same routine is no good
hoaxr1: Hint that you have the snake fist style down pat...but work her over with a bit of drunken monkey, some crane style, some iron horse.
skifreshpow: LMAO
skifreshpow: must come from behind tomarrow
hoaxr1: So begin with making out...short kisses on the neck behind the ear, heavy breath on the neck and ears. Breathe like you're about to nut in your shorts...but make sure your breath ain't dragon style.
skifreshpow: now masta, i do have a black belt, but not 5th degree
hoaxr1: As of right now you must forget all you know...just shut up...this is serious shaolin technique.
hoaxr1: Your hands must wander the hills and valleys like a shoalin monk and be hard and supple like the waves of the ocean. Sometimes you must use almost crushing force and sometimes you must simply lap at the shores. NEver bring the full tsunami.
skifreshpow: dude the fat chick in my office thinks i'm gonna fart its so funny
hoaxr1: Work in an ebb and flow...like the tides you bring lots of passion and then recede into a calm.
hoaxr1: Now you must bring the winds...the clothes should be swept from her without resistance or focus...let it happen...if she's aware of her clothes being removed your hands are not wandering the hills and valleys.
skifreshpow: ahhh yesss masta, need more technique
skifreshpow: i must have more inner focus
hoaxr1: All the while you must be in constant contact with her inner thighs and waist...press your sword against her body...let her know that it will come with a swift and mighty stroke, but do not let her know when it will come. She must always be aware of the power you weild, but you must never hint at when you will use it.
skifreshpow: ahhso, must get the pearl tongue erect and full of tension
hoaxr1: It will seem as 10 thousand years have come and passed as you wander the hills and wash her in waves of kisses. But it is only an instant of eternity. Keep your sword sheathed.
skifreshpow: why must i keep the sword in a pig skin sheath?
hoaxr1: When she is naked before you like the soft amber waves of grain...undulating with passion like the wet marshy rice paddies...you will go to your knees and sneak through the grasses and wade through the wet rice fields
hoaxr1: It is at this time you run your fingers over her like a gentle breeze, kissing each inch of her...let her feel your fury but know your calmness.
skifreshpow: must be powerrrrrful yet calm
hoaxr1: When your winds have whipped her into a frenzy you must begin planting seeds of the coming sword strokes that will cut her in two.
hoaxr1: Insert your fingers into her whilst you kiss her wet velvety folds...
hoaxr1: Remember to kiss the bung a bit cause the master says so...
skifreshpow: (i'm gonna save this and send it to stuff magazine)
hoaxr1: explor her with your fingers and use a beckoning come hither finger stroke on her g spot...its in and up...pretend your trying to touch her belly button and beckon it to come to you...and she will come...
skifreshpow: oh masta, me will wet my pants very soon
hoaxr1: With praise and a cry for mercy she will come...when you sense her bowing to your will ease off...slow down...let her think you are got to show mercy...but continue to beckon...
hoaxr1: when she comes let her writhe at your feet...runs the winds over her body...as she calms...begin to undress the coming fury of your true kung fu.
skifreshpow: The ways of the fooo
hoaxr1: She will watch in awe as her master prepares to ride unbridaled into battle...she willmost likely help you shed your clothes...this is when you look her in the eye and with your mind you tell her, "You will perish on the end of my weapon, you will meet the make and you will know he is I!"
hoaxr1: Now is when you will bring the fury of your stroke upon her...but you will not do it with rough or jagged strokes. You will tease her with slow soft slices at first, you will puncture her only ever so slightly...she will want to be impaled, she will want to pull your weapon into her...but make her aware that it is you who weild her utter destruction...not her.
hoaxr1: Never use rabbit style...it is too fast and never does it seem mighty. Save it for lunch hours.
hoaxr1: Thrust your sword into her, to the hilt and swirl it around, twistin it into her...cut her completely, cut her from the front, cut upwards into her, sneak up behind her and cut her in the back...
hoaxr1: But always at this time you must think of your grandmother...her old raggedy ass...naked and squating as she poops.
hoaxr1: This will keep you in a calm center, and you will not spill blood too soon...
hoaxr1: Should you feel that you will spill bloo too soon...sheath your sword and wash your face in her wet marshes or wander the hills and valley as a monk.
skifreshpow: I GONNA CRAP
hoaxr1: Throughout the rapture you must be aware of her pressure points, do not give them rest..but do not be too rough with them...the death touch is light and focused. Never harsh and unruly.
skifreshpow: your fucking hilarious
hoaxr1: Never question your master...he has defeated many foes in this way...and their ghosts still haunt his cel phone.
skifreshpow: lol
skifreshpow: no more
skifreshpow: i can't take it
hoaxr1: Finally, when you can wait no longer to spill blood, engulf her like fire and bury your sword deep within her...and hold her there as she burns away...
skifreshpow: then get up and make her fix turkey sandwhich with extra mustard
skifreshpow: and mayo
hoaxr1: Now...one thing you must remember...a proper killing takes time and technique...your opponent will let you know what techniques she is unprepared for and which she has seen and defeated..
hoaxr1: Yes...grasshopper, then comes the turkey sandwich.
skifreshpow: so shoalin does not allow electronic stimulation...
hoaxr1: Should you use your technique with skill, she'll pay off your mortgage and introduce you to her friends. Hell she'd eat dog food and wear a leash if you promise to unleash on her in the future.
hoaxr1: A ninja has many tools...many weapons. Know which slay her totally...but remember, you are the master and a master needs only his sword to commit the killing stroke. After that...you and poke at her ravaged body with whatever you might find around the house...a true ninja is resourceful and creative.
hoaxr1: Take this knowledge and go forth into battle...