Its that time of year again!
 

Its time to celebrate Easter the Col. Horton way! Every year I receive emails asking how exactly I do my now famous re-enactions of the crucifixion event, so now, for the first time, I'm going to reveal all.

Hopefully we'll all learn something too.

First, of course, you must find yourself a spare nego and thrash him thoroughly. If you're a bit of a liberal softie, give your negro a really good thrashing, as the shock and blood loss will hasten his demise later. If you're a race realist, OTOH, and you feel your negro should suffer for all his kind have done to the human race, limit his thrashing to a couple of dozen strokes of the whip so he lasts longer once tacked up on the ole cross-a-rooney.

It's important to observe best Roman whipping practice. Traditionally, the Romans would use two floggers, one a left hander standing on the negro's right side, so the flogging is evenly distributed across his back from the nape of the neck down to the backs of the knees. The correct whip for use on a negro is called a flagrum, or sometimes flagellum, and consists of three skeins of leather with a chip of bone hahahahahaded in the end of each skein. For the frugal Massa, these whips can be made quite easily of recycled negroes.

Once your negro is freshly whipped, place your 'patibulum' or crossbar across his shoulders. The patibulum was traditionally made of dogwood, but this tree no longer grows large enough to make a decent crossbar from. Allegedly, this is because the Son of God was crucified on one, and his Dad took a bloody dim view and stopped the trees from growing any bigger for ever after. Anyway, any softwood will do - pine is ideal and inexpensive, and also an attractive-looking wood. You need a piece about 6" square and around 7 feet long.

Don't worry about staining it - it'll be nicely stained when your negro is done with it.

Drill a square hole about 4" by 4" through the middle. Then bind it in place on your negro's back using lots of hairy string about the
forearms.

Take a rest. You've earned it! Crack open a few beers.

Now prod your negro in the general direction of the sports field, pub garden, or supermarket car park where you intend to despatch him. On arrival, place him on his back on the ground with the crosspiece still tied in place.

You now need to attach him more securely to the patibulum. I find the best way is to use 3/4" or 1" nails about 9" long. Square-section nails are best. Historians differ about exactly where to put these. You can't put them through the palms as they will tear out under your negro's body weight. You can put them through the wrists, or even through the gap between the radius and ulna, so your negro gets hung up on his wristbones. It all depends on whether you're looking for maximum entertainment value or not.

Assuming you are, then the location of choice is as follows: each nail should go into the _heel_ of the hand, angled back about 15 degrees, so that it comes out through the _back_ of the wrist and thence into the patibulum. If carefully placed, this will break no bones, interestingly, but of course it hurts like fuck. The whole area is liberally supplied with nerve endings and blood vessels.

Be careful not to hit your thumb with the hammer - could be painful!

Leave about 2 inches of each nail clear of the hand so you can get them out easily later. Repeat on the other side, then untie and discard the hairy hahahahahahahaha

Another very important point is how far apart to set the hands.

Crucified negroes die of various causes - shock, exhaustion, blood loss, and even suffocation. The rule is, the further apart you set the hands, the more likely the negro is to die of the latter, and the sooner it will happen. In fact, you don't even need to nail him; just the posture he's forced to assume will do the trick.

Cool, huh?

Basically, once set in place, he will tend to slump forward and this will inhibit his ability to exhale. His lungs will fill with carbon dioxide, he'll pass out, and eventually he'll suffocate. He will therefore try to push himself more upright by using his feet to push his chest upwards. If his hands are securely pegged at full stretch, OTOH, he won't have the leverage to hold this position - imagine doing wide-grip lat pulldowns using your full body weight, and you have the picture. So a narrower positioning of the hands makes breathing easier and thus prolongs the entertainment.

All things considered, about four to five feet between
the palms works well.

You now need to attach the patibulum to the stipes, the upright stake, which we will cover in part two.

-- End Part 1 --

are u high

wow

-- Begin part two --

The stipes should be about 9 feet long and planed to a tapered square-section point at either end. Two feet of one end go into the ground, leaving seven feet protruding. Yes, you read that right: Roman crucifixions were quite low-rise affairs, not least because it makes the traditional mocking easier and just that little bit more in-yer-face personal for the negro.

There are 2 ways to attach the patibulum to the stipes. The usual way is to lay the stipes down and thread the patibulum onto it before or after nailing the criminal negro's hands. You then lever the whole lot into the receiving hole in the ground and hammer in shims to keep it all steady. Alternatively, leave the upright stake permanently in position and set a couple of stepladders either side of it. Then have two strong men lift the patibulum up and drop it into position over the stipes with a nerve-jarring agonising crash!

You'll find that part is always a crowd-pleaser!

OK, you're almost done. Just the negro's thumbed feet left to do.

I find the best way is to use two nails. One goes through the side of each heel, laterally through the heelbone, and thence into the side of the stipes. This means your negro has a foot nailed to either side. It is actually quite tricky to get a single nail through both insteps because the thumbs on their feet tend to get in the way. You can also turn your negro's feet sideways, place one atop the other, and drive a single nail through both heelbones into the stipes. It's your call.

Remember, if you want him to last a long time, bend theknees.

Now crack open another beer and light up the barbecue, the entertainment can now proceed!

One important note: Have a hose pipe and water supply handy, as your negro *will* shit his cross at some point. It's all right for him, but you have to use that again.

If you want to prolong things even more, provide him with a sedulum - a small seat, in fact no more than a baulk of wood the size of a paperback, set spine-up into the front of the stipes. This will enable him to catch his breath without placing all his weight on the nails through either his hands or his feet.

When you get bored, break his legs with a baseball bat. Aim for the shins. This immediately prevents him pushing himself up to breathe, so if the shock doesn't finish him off, suffocation will. Endless fun can be had varying the procedure. You can nail his hands only or his feet only or one of each. You can nail his elbows, knees, or shoulders.

Indeed, the Romans used to crucify Jews in comical positions to make it less boring. Let your imagination be your guide!

Crucifixion is a fun family day out and it lasts all day! I have taken many a date to a negro crucifixion and in fact on one occasion I actually pulled there. You can discuss black crime and you won't hear a bleat of disagreement.

Best of all, you won't hear a word about "reparations" from a well-nailed negro.

My warmest regards as we approach this Easter season,

Col. Beauford D. Horton, Gentleman Planter

Wtf is this??:helpme

Good Lord, if those instructions were not easy enough to follow I don't know what to tell you. Stick to lynching I guess.

time of they year for what?

Colonel, the civil war ended a long time ago, it seems you forgot that; take cover, you might fall with your ass on a big black dick.

hehe