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Zelexia

Generic name: Liptonase Hydrobromide

Street names: none

Common Uses:

Zelexia is an antidepressant from the family of drugs known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs. It is used in the treatment of depression and, in some instances, obsessive-compulsive disorder. It may also be used to treat other conditions as determined by your doctor.

Possible side effects:

Side effects that may occur while taking this medicine include diarrhea, fatigue, nausea, headache, dry mouth, weight loss or gain, rash, itching, change in taste or dizziness. You should contact your doctor immediately if any of these symptoms persist.

Zelexia may also cause female troubles. You know...down there. Plumbing stuff. Jesus, could this be more awkward? Users of Zelexia may experience unpleasant sexual side effects, up to and including dysfunction. We've done you the favor of not listing them here, so that you might blame any sexual inadequacy on Zelexia. For instance, you might say, "I'm sorry that Zelexia has rendered me impotent, my selfish bride, but were it not for this wonder drug's life-saving chemicals, I would have killed you and the children in your sleep months ago."

Zelexia may cause slight misgivings, or in extreme cases, doubts about the strength of your marriage or the wisdom of your college degree. Zelexia may provoke feelings of helplessness, especially when talking to mechanics. In a small segment of the population, Zelexia may inspire thoughts of suicide. And while the makers of Zelexia are prohibited by federal law from taking a side in the self-slaughter debate, we urge you to give a fair hearing to all the voices turned loose by our chemicals.

The bland aphorisms of Successories posters may seem especially deep and meaningful during your course of treatment with Zelexia. For instance, you may begin to believe that you can soar with the eagles. We'd hold off on that for now, cowboy. Come on, you're in charge of purchasing. It's a good job, but it's just not soaring-with-eagles kind of stuff.

Warning:

This drug can be excreted in breast milk. We know what you're thinking, but that's quite a lot to ask of your wife.

Under Zelexia's influence, you may come to believe, more strongly than ever, that children and animals can detect the residual evil in your soul. You may experience a generalized feeling of anxiety. You may feel that you're slowly rolling backwards at stoplights, but in most instances it's just the car next to you inching forward. Still, it's pretty unnerving.

Do you ever have that dream where you're back in school and you suddenly realize you have to take a final for a class you've forgotten to attend for months? Zelexia doesn't really feel like that, but we wondered if you had that dream too. We have it all the time and it weirds us out. No, Zelexia feels much more like that dream where you're being stalked by some nameless horror and you want desperately to run, but your legs are frozen.

If a loved one calls long distance and your spouse urges you to go pick up the other extension, Zelexia may encourage the belief that your spouse is talking really, really goddamn loud. You may even have to hold the phone away from your ear and think, "What the fuck is she screaming about?"

Have we covered seizures yet? Christ almighty, you won't believe the power of these things. You'll be flopping around like a tuna on the deck of a Japanese trawler and then just wake up on the floor while all the other restaurant patrons are staring at you. Oh, and you might have some guy's comb in your mouth. There's an aftertaste for you. And don't even bother trying to return it. Nobody wants it back after you've foamed all over it.

Zelexia may intensify your feelings of rejection. Do you remember having to sell peanut brittle door-to-door to raise money for your Little League team? Zelexia is like forcing yourself through the sad, half-hearted sales pitch and then walking forlornly down the driveway with the inescapable realization that you're going to have to eat it all yourself and then pay for it out of your paper route money.

As with all drugs, do not attempt to operate heavy machinery until you know exact effects of Zelexia on your central nervous system. Avoid nation building while under the influence of Zelexia. Democracy can wait, my bipolar friend. Don't attempt those puzzles in the newspaper where words are hidden in linear stacks of letters. That shit'll drive you crazy.

Don't attempt the manufacture of a decent mix CD while under the influence of Zelexia. It just won't sound right when you're not crazy anymore. Don't play that electric dart game in bars where plastic darts are trapped in a tightly woven web of plastic spindles. Zelexia will not affect your performance, but, come on, man, where's your pride?

If Zelexia should ask to borrow your truck to move this thing he bought at the flea market, tell him you wish you could help him out, but, you know, insurance and all. Don't sleep in the subway, darling. Don't let the sun catch you crying.

Avoid prolonged exposure to the works of Leonard Cohen. Seriously, knock it off. If you find yourself at a Halloween costume party and you see a monster with a flat head and neck bolts, and one of your friends says, "Hey, look, what a great Frankenstein," don't be one of those people who says, "Actually, that's Frankenstein's monster. Frankenstein was the doctor." Okay? People hate that know-it-all shit. Let's just all agree Frankenstein is a really great name for the monster. Don't be an asshole.