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This is an excerpt from Dr. Sensitivo self-help book,
"Ambassador to the World."

The following advice for American travelers going to France was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the
US
Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for
Disease
Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know
about.
It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and
some smaller nations of no particular importance and with not very good
shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the
Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization
are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is
little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent
Mexican
food.
One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people
insist on speaking in French, though many will speak English if shouted at.

Watch your money at all times.

The People

France has a population of 56 million people. 52 million of these drink
and smoke (the other 4 million are small children). All French people drive
like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing
patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy,
temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their
good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists. Men
sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each
other when they meet. American travelers are advised to travel in groups
and
wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers must be
aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the
French
surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky
and
increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
life for
the American visitor generally goes much as before. A tunnel connecting
France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent
years to
make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future
German
invasions.

History

France's historical figures are King Louis, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc,
Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years
and
is
now an airport. The French were never very imaginative and all their kings
were
called Louis. The French enjoyed their Revolution which set up their
republic.
It was so successful that they did it again, and again and again.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
held more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love
administration so for government purposes the country is divided into
regions,
departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafes,
and
telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and elections.
Parliament
consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower, though confusingly they
are both on the ground floor, and whose members are either Gaullists or
Communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the traveler.

Parliament's principal occupation is testing atomic bombs in the south
Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain,
and
then complaining when the Arabs do the same in Paris. According to the most
current American state department intelligence, the President is now
someone
named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see why.
All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that
you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just
a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are
excellent,
although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In
general,
travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they
are
not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking
the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in
order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume,
guided
missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack
aircraft,
miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its
361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,
16
Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph
as if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into Exile Days,
17
Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is Great and the Rest
of
the
World is Rubbish" Days.

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it was
not inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for France
is that it is
not Germany.