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Funny newspaper headlines

(collected by journalists)
- Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
- Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
- Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Farmer Bill Dies In House
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
- Stud Tires Out
- Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
- Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
- Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
- British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
- Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners Refuse to Work After Death
- Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
- Stolen Painting Found By Tree
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- Two Sisters Reunited After Years In Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
- Drunken Drivers Paid $ in '
- War Dims Hope For Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
- Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill ,
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
- Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
- Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
- Hospitals are Sued By Foot Doctors
- Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
- Guini-pig judge Quits - Sunday Express;
- Mice to be bombed - Today;
- Irish peat bog rocked by great sheep explosion - Independant;
- Mobile phone threat to universe;
- Swedish jet hijacked by bread roll - Int Herald Trib;
- Damp patches discovered on sun - New scientist;
- Husband bites wife's 'thing' - The Monitor (Uganda);
- Physicist recommends bigger balls to slow down male tennis players - Guardian
- Objections raised to quake aid for aliens - Washington Times;
- Ferries must stay afloat in worst of storms, say safety engineers - Guardian
- New tabloid 'owned by god' - Kitchener (Ontario);
- Elves loose - Daily Echo;
- Mexican leader crashes to Earth - Guardian;
- Armageddon could threaten United's Promotion push - West Cumbria News & Star;
- Explosion of Professors at universities - Sunday Times;
- Hairdo kills Mum - Daily Mirror;
- French Minister 'condoned Police shooting of Aliens' - Guardian;
- NASA briefly loses contact with Atlantis - Lewiston (ME);
- hurt as students demand right to cheat - Canberra Times;
- Giantkillers stretch town to the limit - Falmouth Packet
- Children's Stool Great for Use in Garden
- Stud Tires Out
- Stiff Opposition to Casketless Funeral Plan
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
- Columnist Gets Urologist in Trouble with His Peers
- New Housing For Elderly Not Yet Dead
- New Missouri U. Chancellor Expects Little Sex
- 12 On Their Way to Cruise Among Dead in Plane Crash
- N.J. Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
- Chou Remains Cremated
- Chinese Apeman Dated
- Hershey Bars Protest
- Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Deer Kill 130,000
- Complaints About NBA Referees Growing Ugly
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
- Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
- Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
- Farmer Bill dies in house
- Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
- Prostitutes appeal to Pope
- Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
- Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
- British left waffles on Falkland Islands
- Eye drops off shelf
- Teacher strikes idle kids
- Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
- Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
- Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
- Miners refuse to work after death
- Stolen painting found by tree
- Two soviet ships collide, one dies
- 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
- Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
- Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
- Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
- If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
- Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide
- Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton police yesterday.
- We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures --Daily Sun-Post (San Clemente, CA) 1/17/77
- Sneak Attack by Soviet Bloc Not Foreseen --The Atlanta Journal 4/4/79
- War Dims Hopes for Peace --Wisconsin State Journal 12/27/65
- Blue Skies Unless its Cloudy --San Francisco Chronicle 5/29/??
- Bankrupt Association Termed in Poor Shape --Lawrence (KA) Journal-World 7/12/77
- Food is Basic to Student Diet --Bridgeport (CN) Post 1/18/78
- (Reported in the (U.K.) Guardian recently, and relayed by Martin Hughes:)
- We take ghoul care of you!
- Lack Of Water Hurts Ice Fishing
- Yellow Snow Tested For Nutrition
- Gas Smell Diverts Flight, But It Was Just Passengers Pants
- Man Accused Of Excessively Passing Wind
- Cookies With Condoms Fail Family Taste-Test
- Condom Firm Streches Product Line
- White Flower Two Day Sale-(Friday ONLY)
- Toxic Waste Tour Planned
- Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
- Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
- House passes gas tax onto senate
- Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
- William Kelly was fed secretary
- Milk drinkers are turning to powder
- Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
- Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
- Organ festival ends in smashing climax
- Dealers will hear car talk at noon
- Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
- Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
- Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
- Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
- Child's death ruins couple's holiday
- Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
- Man is fatally slain
- Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
- Include your Children when Baking Cookies