How To take A Shit At Work
 

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
> > As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
> > WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at
> > work, following is the survival guide for taking a
> > dump at the office.
> > CROP DUSTING:
> > When farting, you walk really fast around the office
> > so the smell is not in your area and everyone else
> > gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
> > careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
> > fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
> > sure the smell has left your pants.
> > FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
> > pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
> > are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
> > Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
> > may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
> > going into the bathroom.
> > ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at
> > the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
> > usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
> > If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
> > Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
> > the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
> > No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
> > involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
> > feel uneasy.
> > JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out
> > at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
> > of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
> > not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
> > the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
> > just occurred.
> > COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the
> > instant the poop
> > hits the water.This reduces the amount of air time the
> > poop has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you
> > avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
> > WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
> > the door
> > after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be
> > a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
> > busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
> > the smell does not exist. This can be minimized with
> > the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
> > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at
> > work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
> > Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
> > newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
> > around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper
> > before entering the bathroom.
> > SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
> > building where you can least expect visitors. Try
> > floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
> > This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper
> > entering your bathroom.
> > TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you
> > are in the stall and tries to force the door open.
> > This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
> > moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If
> > this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd
> > Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
> > uncomfortable eye contact.
> > CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
> > into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
> > used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
> > Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
> > with an ASTAIRE.
> > ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
> > potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
> > stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
> > occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
> > immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
> > WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when
> > hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
> > incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
> > diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
> > HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a
> > series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
> > accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
> > an Astaire.
> > UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
> > forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
> > of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
> > makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
> > you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
> > empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
> > attendees.
> > IF YOU FOLLOW THIS SURVIVAL GUIDE EXACTLY, THEN WHEN
> > ITS YOUR TIME TO POOP IT WILL BE A VERY RELAXING AND
> > PEACFULL EXPERIENCE FOR ALL FUTURE POOPS

hehe, fun read.

HOORAY!

my ignore list just got bigger ! :glugglug

jesus. atleast take out the "> >"s after you cut and paste it from your aol account.

we work from home dude :321GFY

I was think same thing

Old but still :1orglaugh

hahahha

Damn thats funny as hell.

I remember when I went to Penn State and had to deal with not having a private bathroom anymore for the first time in my life. I couldn't take a dump for the life of me with so many people coming and going.

Finally found a bathroom in a classroom building that was hardly ever used, instead of the jam packed dorm ones, and would go there after class hours and be able to have some peace and quiet.

:1orglaugh :)

classic

haha thats kind of like me now, except i suck it up and go in the bathroom 5 feet away from me instead of the one several hundred feet away. if i wasn't so lazy i might go for the more private route.

Trashman, love your work at bgol. You fucking Rock!!!! Say hi to Ganja Weed Queen for me!

Well, some do! I'm in that club with ya! And I don't wanna shit anywhere except my restroom! :Graucho

jDoG

I once worked at a place where the bathroom was unisex and no locks on the door. All it has was a paper sign that said "male" or "female" and you had to flip it the side of choice. Sometimes I would forget.

Very scary times.


Though I did walk in on a yoga instructor who was changing into her yoga clothes. :thumbsup

I love that list. I used to have a poster just like it. :thumbsup

************* :thumbsup

that shit is funny.

i use to work at this place back in Illinois when i was a kid. it was a huge call center where we'd take phone calls for shitty stereos like AIWA. anyway's, there was this dorky fat guy named Ken. he looked like a character from the Far Side. He was big, fat with suspenders and duct tape holding his glasses together. a real star wars freak.

anyway, he use to take shit's on his lunch break, and eat his lunch while shitting. you would walk in the bathroom and you would see his suspenders on the ground, his lunch box open, and he'd be groaning like a dinosaur. everyday he'd shit, read his science fiction book, and eat his lunch on the shitter.

That was gross. after reading this, it made me think of that fat guy who use to eat on the shitter.