Touched By A Woman
 

I'm pitching the networks for a new TV show where nerdy nebishy Orthodox men like me get touched by a woman for the first time in months.

I had to pay $13:50 for the privilege today at Supercuts. One of the little-talked about side benefits of a haircut is when you get a woman who will let you rest your head in her bosom while she rubs your head and gives you a blowdry. Today's was so good I left a $2 tip and shelled out $55 for the anti-hair thinning cut, at 29% off, with the free follicle booster.

As I walked in my gate, a neighbor told me, "Nice lulav, Levi."

Many people say I have the firmest lulav in town, and a round ripe etrog filled with seeds. All Jews who would like to do a big mitzvah during this season of our joy are welcome to step inside my succah and I will guide you in how to say the blessing and how to most appropriately shake my lulav.

All Jews should have a rockin' Hoshanah Rabbah, a merry Shemini Atzeret and a drunk Simchat Torah.

And from now on, either address me as "My Moral Leader," or "The Hebrew Hammer."