The Illuminati: My Own Experience
 

As many of you know, I used to be the Director of Operations for The Illuminati. Among other insidious and fiendish exploits, we were responsible for the recent collapse of the stock market, the war in Iraq, and your missing socks (which you think the dryer ate). Verily, I assure you, we had our hands in everything from the Madonna/Britney kiss to John Ritter's untimely demise.

But, things have changed. No longer do the Enlighted Ones support my grand schemings to the extent that they used to. For instance, I wanted to force Lucas to triple Jar Jar Binks' screentime in Episode I... shot down. I formulated the recall election in California... overruled. I planned to have Dean crush Bush in 2004 and implement socialized medicine... nixed.

So what's the point? Where's the fun in brainstorming up the greatest possible mischief and when it keeps getting voted down?

I retired this weekend.

So don't blame me.

heil eris

Why did you break up J Lo and Ben?

What is your relation to the Stone Cutters?

I told J Lo's "mystic advisor" to influence her to break it off so that we could distract the country from the imminant stock market collapse. Of course, when Ben found out at this fiance actually had a "mystic advisor" (in addition to her own personal eyebrow plucker -- a sure sign of mental illness), he broke it off first.

All is transpiring as planned.

Daddy, most likely.

Good to see you Buff! If you may recall, I used to sit on the board of that "other" trilateral commission. Drop by if you like, I have a smoke-filled back room that we can sit around, sip port, and reminisce about the good old days with some of the old Warren commission folks. It'll be a hoot!

I'm SO there! Do you have a pool table with lots of global maps laid out over it so we can move army men around and such?

Well if you're outta work there's another secret global cabal called 'The Diminati'.. They're the not-so-bright cousins of the Illuminati.

They're responsible for such global mishaps as the missing nose on the Sphinx, accidently shooting Abe Lincoln when they were supposed to shoot his wife instead. Same with Kennedy. They were after Jackie.

Other such exploits include The Edsel, The Essex Hotel, Arctic Barbie with Kung Fu Grip and last but not least the ever infamous ' Let's bail this guy Hitler outta jail. Anyone who paints like that should be released. '

Are you kidding? I still have the whole set up.....banks of screens with live satillite images and stock market feeds, a "deep blue" supercomputer with everybodies file in it, minions walking around in futueristic uniforms....I even keep a walk in closet with all of the "missing evidence" that we didn't want people to find. Of course the gold and ivory "Risk" set goes with out saying.........you'll really feel right at home.

Come to think of it...bring the kids, I filled the old minuteman three silo in the backyard with water and made a great pool!

What??? Are you some bargain basement evil villain leader of a global secret sect???

You've forgotten the TWO MOST IMPORTANT pieces of furniture one of our ilk MUST possess!!!

1.) A high back chair with your initals or secret group insignia carved into it ( trap door controls on the arm rest optional )

2.) A globe with a knife in it with a tag on the knife that says 'Mine' or logo.

Jeez, you kids. You're ruining the evil villain business with your high tech jazz.

Gonna have to put out a CD tutorial on how to be evil one of these days.

Ha! that was some funny shit!

Do you have a fax number where I can send my resume, and application for the priory of sion?

Yes, but if you don't have the fax number already, you're not eligible to have the fax number at all. ;)

Thank you, thank you!

Believe it or not I write for television. I use pen names though.