"John" Update
 

Johns Ritter and Cash are dead, we can confirm that as we go to press September,12,2003.

Johns Lennon,Candy, Belushi, Gotti, Holmes, Unitas, Denver, Wayne are still dead.

We believe that Johns Carson,Oates, Cusack, Goodman, Leguizamo, Travolta, Cleese, Elway and Malkovich remain alive.

We cannot be certain at this time if Johns Forsythe and Astin are still among us.

We regret to inform you that we can now confirm John Tesh is indeed alive and still creating something similar to what we call 'music'. John Stamos confirmed as alive as well. John Ashhahahahaha unfortunately is very much alive.

Elton John and Olivia Newton John are beyond the scope of this
publication. Both are presumed alive however.

We will be keeping a close watch on Johnny Carson throughout the day.