only in Texas
 

Only in Texas...... A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the
driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won
$5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and
moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we
over the border yet?"

HAhah thats a good one..

Good shit, keep em commin..

Media

Texans In Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbeque sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for
you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

:1orglaugh
texans are a riot, esp. when they are drunk

http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory...olitan/2052104

Hitoshi Nikaidoh, 35, of Dallas, a surgical resident at the hospital at 1919 La Branch, was stepping onto a second-floor elevator in the main building around 9:30 a.m. when the doors closed, pinning his shoulders, said Harold Jordan, an investigator with the Harris County Medical Examiner's Office. The elevator car then moved upward, severing the doctor's head, Jordan said.

A woman who also works at the hospital was on the elevator at the time and witnessed the accident, police said. Because of the malfunction, she was trapped on the elevator for 15 or 20 minutes before firefighters were able to reach her.

lol

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Got Cowboys? :Graucho

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Thanks... I need a good laugh about now :winkwink:

Driving through Texas on the 10 border to border takes 24 hours.

being in Texas for a full day can have it's effects on you, even just driving through.

:1orglaugh

funny stuff. I nearly pissed myself

We have Texas A&M here.
They are called Aggies.

There are a ton of Aggie Jokes.
My favorite one is this.

Why did the Aggie cross the road?

Because his dick was stuck in the chicken :^))

lol

WicKed NinJas
That's funny. Made my day.

:1orglaugh
Oz

Dallas vs Pitt tonight.

Yeah, those stupid Texans...

A Texan, Mexican and Russian were standing in a field.

The Russia takes a swig from his vodka bottle, throws it up in the air, shoots it and says... we have plenty of Vodka in Russia...

The Mexican takes a swig of Tequila, throws the bottle in the air, shoots it and says... we have plenty of Tequila in Mexico.

The Texan turns to the Mexican, shoots him and says... we have plenty of Mexicans in Texas... :)

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Keep em commin guys!

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

excerpts from the Texas Dictionary of the English Language.

(courtesy of Jim Everhart)
Yawl the pronoun of the second person plural
Example: "Good to see yawl"

Ward a unit of language consisting of one or more spoken sounds
Example: "Pardon me, could ah have a ward with yawl"

Lahr a prevaricator; one who tells lies.
Example: "Are yew callin' me a lahr?"

Waht the lightest of colours
Example: "Yew look waht as a sheet"

Riot correct or proper
Example: "That's as riot as rain"

Often so as to be no longer supported or attached
Example: "Now stan still so ah can shoot that apple often yore had"

Barley only, just, no more that.
Example: "Ah can jes barley opne mah eyes"

Blond without sight
Example: "Love is blond"

Lacked was on the verge of or came close to
Example: "Ah lacked to died laughin"

Main of ugly disposition, nasty
Example: "That there is one main man"

Felons a substance used to close the cavities in teeth
Example: "When ah open mah mouth real wad yawl can see mah two felons"

Thowed to cause someone or something to go someplace as if by hurling
Example: "Ah'm gonna have yawl thowed in jail"

Rum a portion of space within a building
Example: "Ah got to go to the restrum"

Cheer in this place or spot
Example: "Yawl come riot cheer this minute"

Lard the deity
Example: "Lard only knows what happened"

Beggar larger as in size, height, width, amount etc.
Example: "The beggar they come the harder they fall"

Thang a material object without life or conciousness
Example: "That don't main a thang"

Prior a devout petition to an object of worship.
Example: "Don't never say a prior with your hat on"

Suede dear, beloved, precious.
Example: "Ain't that jes too suede for wards?"

Larry wary, suspicious.
Example: "Ah would be larry of that if ah was yew"

Prod a high opinion of one's own dignity, importance etc.
Example: "Ah take prod in mah work"

Far to discharge a firearm
Example: "Stop or ah'm gonna far"

Tarred exhausted.
Example: "Boy, am ah tarred!"

They the objective and dative case of thou
Example: "Mah country tis of they, suede land of liberty of they ah sang.."

Hem objective case of he.
Example: "Ah drawed mah gun on hem"

Owe an overwelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear etc.
Example: "That there is one ah stand in owe of"

Thote the passage in the neck from the mouth to the stomach
Example: "Ah got a sore thote"

Sighting arousing or stirring up emotions.
Example: "That was one beg, sighting card game"

Heidi an expression of greeting.
Example: "Heidi, neighbor"

Sect afficted with ill health or disease.
Example: "Ah feel sect to mah stomach"

Smahl to assume a facial expression indicating pleasure.
Example: "Smahl and the whole world smahls with yew"

Consarned interested or participating.
Example: "Yawl ain't consarned in this no way"

Harket going to the barber.
Example: "Mah hat never fits after ah get a harket"

Drank any liquid taken into the mouth and swallowed.
Example: "How 'bout a lil drank?"

Squire honest and above board.
Example: "Everything here is fire and squire"

Ails other than the person or things implied.
Example: "Ah only done what anybody ails would do"

Fair a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil etc.
Example: "The only thang we have to fair is fair itsef"

Tom any specific point in a day, a month, a year.
Example: "How come yawl ain't never on tom?"

Air the organ of hearing in man.
Example: "Ah got a airache"

Truss reliance on integrity.
Example: "Don't yawl truss me?"

Mere a reflecting surface.
Example: "Ah jes hate to look at mahsef in the mere"

Hep to render assistance.
Example: "Ain't nobody gonna hep me?"

Rang to twist forcibly.
Example: "Ah'm gonna rang yore neck"

Farfanger the first finger next to the thumb.
Example: "Ah'm holdin' mah nose 'twixt mah thumb an farfinger"

Markin a citizen of the United States.
Example: "Ah am a Markin"

A blonde was waiting at a bus stop in New York City. She was wearing a tight leather skirt with matching top and boots. When the bus pulled up she tried to get on but realized that her skirt was far too tight and far too short to allow her to make it to the first step. Embarrassed, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little, hoping it would give her some slack. She tried again but soon realized that she still could not make it. She reached back and unzipped her skirt a little more, but she still could not make it. Getting frustrated, she tried a third time but still could not make it. At the point, the giant Texan behind her picked her up at the waist and gently set her on the first step of the bus.

"How dare you touch my body!" shrieked the blonde. "I don't even know you!"

"Well, ma'am," replied the Texan in his country drawl, "after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

"If Cheney were President, they couldn?t be getting all this agenda rammed through, because Cheney?s got a smile like a landlord who?s just evicted another widow."
-- Jim Hightower

that's some good shit :)

Fb