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HOW TO POO AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down
below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable.
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter
in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.
As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off
without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors.
Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open.
This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a poo at work.
If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet
water.
Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.