How many calories do we burn during sex?
 

Sexual Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 calories
Woman on top, man on
bottom.........................................25 calories
Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual
possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.
From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40
1/2 calories
Standing
Both partners of equal height......................................18
calories
Woman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90
calories
The man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the air in
order to achieve even minimal satisfaction
While in
traction.......................................... ...................1
24 calories
(very useful during ski season)


Location, Location, Location

On a bar stool....................20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic......38 calories
In a phone booth
Standing.......................14 calories
lying down...................274 calories
On an airliner
Aisle seat....................24 calories
Middle seat.................42 calories
Window seat...............30 calories
In the lavatory.............100 calories
Finding your clothes....................5 calories



Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing........................7 calories
Sliding around................9 calories
Serious Skidding............12 calories
Full cartwheel................20 calories
Whiplash........................27 calories
Knee burn.......................6 calories
Chafed elbows...............5 calories
Chafed nose...................11 calories


Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp).....................................3 calories
Wheezing.......................................... ...............5
calories
Squeals........................................... .................4
calories
Ecstatic moaning........................................... ...11
calories
Low growling.......................................... ........8
calories
Squishing......................................... ................10
calories
Shouting.......................................... .................16
calories
Screaming......................................... ...............18
calories
Urgent begging........................................... ......22
calories
Any short speech giving partner directions......25 calories



Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and
the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare
instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to
compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight
loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to
work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince
his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size............22 calories
Oversize.................15 calories
Tremendous............8 calories
Teensy-weensy.......163 calories


Approaching Orgasm

Letting go................................................ ..........5
1/2 calories
Controlling yourself.........................................7 9
calories
Digging nails in your partners back back.........11 calories
Trembling......................................... ...............15
calories
Shaking........................................... .................20
calories
Shuddering........................................ ..............25
calories
Trying to keep eyes open................................33 calories


Orgasm

Real............27 calories
Faked.........160 calories


Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn't change...............1/2 calorie
Face turned purple........................15 calories
Orchestra swelled.........................6 calories
Magical explosions.......................10 calories
Blazing Sheets...............................25 calories
Earth moved..................................30 calories
Vesuvius erupted...........................47 calories
You began moaning in Latin..........60 calories


Pulling Out

After orgasm...................................1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm.......500 calories


Multiple Orgasms

For woman
2......14 calories
5......30 calories
8......47 calories
Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8
orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or
disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may
begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily
interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.
For Men
2......21 calories
3......39 calories
4......57 calories
For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological
and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour
with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears.
With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10
orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain
damage.


Special Orgasms

Clitoral...............15 calories
Vaginal...............21 calories
Penile.................21 calories
Scrotile..............15 calories
Rectal................25 calories
Oral...................30 calories


Premature Ejaculation

During insertion.............................2 calories
During intercourse.........................5 calories
approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,
which ever comes first
During foreplay.............................3 calories
Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories
similar to premature ejaculation except male
acts childish and throws a tantrum



Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to
feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of
intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the
footy on the tv.

For Woman
Frustration....................................... ...8 calories
Anger............................................. ....15 calories
Violent mood swing...........................20 calories
Suppressing rage................................25 calories
Not suppressing anger........................65 calories
in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,
and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.

For Men
Cursing........................................... ...10 calories
Apologizing....................................... 3 calories
Sniveling......................................... .5 calories
Pleading for mercy............................8 calories
Begging for another chance...............15 calories


Recovering

Un-entwining......................................... ...3 calories
Regaining motor control of pelvis.............7 calories
After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist
to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put
one foot in front of the other), which will seriously impair your
chances of going to the bathroom or getting a juice.
Standing up...............................................9 calories
Getting some juice....................................11 calories


Trying Again

If the woman is ready...........5 calories
If the man is not....................156 calories

Dreaming

Regular dream.................2 calories
Wet Dream......................16 calories
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
Wet Trance......................20 calories
Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist


Masturbation

For pleasure only...................................6 calories
For exercise, too....................................10 calories
For relief from tension...........................12 calories
To pass the time.....................................7 calories
To avoid overeating...............................16 calories
To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories
To get in touch with outer self..............10 1/4 calories
To avoid insanity..................................24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories

In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and
binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.

Using
Your hand(s):
Regular way......................................11 calories
Your finger(s)...................................9 calories
Tweezers.......................................... ....2 calories
An inflatable doll.................................24 calories
Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories
except watermelon or a sprig of parsley
A vibrator:
Hand-operated.................................12 calories
Windup............................................ 9 calories
Electric.......................................... ..5 calories
Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater
Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories
Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories
Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories


Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories
Climaxing too soon.............................................5
calories
Climaxing too late.............................................. .6
calories
Not climaxing......................................... .............20
calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories
Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object...........47 calories
Partner will neglect to administer last rites
should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories


Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8
calories
Penis
envy.............................................. ....................
.......72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled
yak..........................................25 calories


Getting Caught

By partner's spouse.........60 calories
By your spouse................60 1/2 calories
Trying to explain.............165 calories
Stuttering.........................28 calories
Throwing-up...................40 calories

Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether
understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed


Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories
Leaping out of bed................................25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories
Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories
Jumping out of window........................15 calories
add 5 calories if window wasn't open
Landing........................................... .....1 calorie
Running very fast.................................50 calories


:glugglug

Where the fuck do you motherfuckers come up with this shit? :1orglaugh

lol, guess i can skip cardio at the gym sometimes then.

i got these numbers by using precise scientific physics calculations.

Impressive... pulling out is 1/4 calory ???


:helpme

this doesnt explain how i still have love handles

I need to start faking orgasms... 160 calories!!