http://www.bobfromaccounting.com/5_2...keysexhead.gif
ATLANTA - Top officials at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) along with their Chinese counterparts released a stunning report Wednesday naming "monkey sex" as the most likely cause of SARS and most, if not all, other known infectious diseases throughout the world.
"We are not here to cast blame," said Julie Gerberding, director of the CDC after she read off a lengthy list of diseases traced back to man-beast love. "But the evidence is clear that it all starts with either a curious monkey or a curious human or a combination of both."
According to the report, most, if not all of the world's communicable diseases, including acute respiratory syndrome (SARS), have been traced back to the world's remote jungles, mountain retreats and popular zoo exhibitions, where men and women could engage in extra-human relationships without the prying eyes of judgmental family and friends.
Experts say SARS is caused by an unknown member of the corona family of viruses, which also causes the common cold. If true, unprotected monkey sex could be to blame for every single sneeze or sniffle that occur throughout the world.
"Tracing monkey sex was difficult as you can imagine," Professor Yuen Kwok-yung, Department of Microbiology head at the University of Hong Kong told reporters. "It took nearly five years before one vacationer admitted he got lost from his travel group and met a friendly Orangutan in full estrus (sexual receptivity)
African scientists have felt for years that it all started with some experimental vacationers, but they had difficulty proving it. That is, until safari guide Marco Lisanti admitted it was one of the most popular activities that his travel group sponsors.
"We've got nothing to hide," Lisanti said. "The CDC has seen our brochures for years. Why are they suddenly talking about it now? This is obviously some kind of coverup for their own incompetence."
Human mating with members of the animal kingdom is strictly forbidden by most cultures and is frowned upon by most church groups and animal activists. Politicians, who prefer to focus on treatment and prevention rather than pointing fingers, have been accused of turning a blind eye.
"The problem is that we need to know whether this is consensual or nonconsensual sex before we can attempt to prosecute individuals," said Democratic leader Tom Daschle (D-SD) after hearing the report. "I propose that we put together some kind of subcommittee and then spend some taxpayer money looking into this."
Daschle explained that since we now know the cause, we can take steps to prevent new outbreaks by educating youngsters from an early age not to attempt to mate outside their species or by using condoms.
In Geneva, World Health Organization (WHO) officials warned it was too early to jump to firm conclusions, although they welcomed the finding as "an eye opener" and said it "makes perfect sense."
"At this point of time, we cannot definitely conclude that these or any other animals are the cause of SARS and other diseases," said WHO chief scientist Klaus Stohr. "But we do know that If you place your naked penis anywhere near the skin of an infected monkey, there is a high chance you will be either infected or lose all ability to sustain any healthy future adult relationships.
