Buff's Review of X-Men 2
 

By request, I will now post the Buff review of X-2: Mutant Geeks' Wet Dream.

This movie sucked. Hard. From the moment Reggie and I took our seats and had to watch the 400 Pounders Club waddle in and wheeze their way up the stairs, revving their oversized hearts up to 420 beats/min and plopping into their seats like tranquilized hippos, I knew this movie was gonna suck. Let's face it, nothing brings the lard ass stay-at-homes out like a good old-fashioned if-you-don't-read-the-comic-book-and-all-of-the-accompanying-literature-on-the-internet-you'll-never-get-the-inside-jokes-made-just-for-your-ilk movie. I hate those movies.

But, let's be clear, not everything about this movie sucked. While the masses (pun intended) cheered for that halfwit kleptomaniac with the Elvis sideburns, I was hoping Magneto would destroy the X-Pussies. I know Magneto used to kick their ass when I picked him and Juggernaut at the arcade for Marvel vs Capcom. I used to fuck up everyone who dared play me -- even the Asian kids. Magneto would wrap those pussies in metal and blast them with that metal storm of his -- like 26 hits! No one could survive that shit. And Juggernaut's double fisted punch. Fuck you! There's half your life gone. What a team.

But do those overweight nacho-stuffing snackasauruses care? No. They like to cheer everytime Wolverine steals one of Cyclops' vehicles. Here's Cyclops, minding his own business, trying to keep shit running at the school, trying to do maintenance on all the vehicles and shit, and Wolverine is out joyriding on Cyclops' bike without even asking for permission. Hey fuckface, how about doing some work around the house instead of being a selfish prick? Wanna know why the fucking jet couldn't lift off and the cute chick died? Because you didn't do any fucking maintenance. You think those vehicles clean themselves? You think some Mexican laborers at $2/hr. know how to overhaul the transmission in a supersonic stealth jet? Way to be a team player, wondernuts. Why not just put the moves on Cyclops' girlfriend? Oh wait, you did. Shithead.

But here's the real reason I hate Wolverine: he's a fucking retard. You've got a chick who tries to seduce you, and you turn her down. Ok, that doesn't sound so bad, right? But this chick can turn into any fucking chick she wants (or, memo to fucking idiot: any chick you want)! "Hey, honey, can you be Angelina Jolie tonight, because I'm getting tired of assfucking Halle Berry. Thanks, babe. Wait, what are you doing? I told you to be Jenny McCarthy in a schoolgirl outfit when you bring me my fucking beers, you dumb bitch." How fucking stupid do you have to be to pass that shit up? Magneto was tapping that, wasn't he? He even bragged about it, and who could blame him?

That pretty much sums up how bad the movie was: You have a retard on one side and dude who gets to fuck any woman he wants on the other. And the retard's side wins. And I'm supposed to like this shit?

My words are like Magneto marbles, floating about your head.

\

First of all.

a) It's a movie for kids.
b) It's not real... Get over it. Mutants are not real.
c) You are a fucking dork and fat people don't care.
d) Just because a chick is a shape-shifter, doesn't mean she won't chop off your cock when you aren't looking...

1) who requested it?
2) we already did the "she could be any bitch" jokes in another thread.

Yawn

Lame. Your own review demonstrates you had an agenda before the movie even started.

If you're going to go for the bitter and jaded angle on things, you better polish up your writing style.

I didn't get the feeling that the movie irritated you. Instead, I was left wondering why you were trying to hide the fact you identified with the people you were insulting.... :Graucho

ZING! You got me!

I guess I shouldn't show you my reviews of the two Lord of the Rings movies.

I liked X men 2 ......LOL, thats the best movie review I ever heard, it does make sense.

Perseus: Well I appreciate your praise. Figures it would take a Greek hero to appreciate the fine work of another hero.

No please don't. Any reviewer worth half the cost of the paper they write a review on wouldn't reveal key elements of the plot.

However I saw X-2, I'm not a big fan of the comic books and no I'm not a big fan of the movies. My nieces wanted to see it so I took them. However it was entertaining, that's all I care about.

Bottom line did I get my money's worth? Yes I did at the matinee rate of $4.75. Would I have paid full price for it? Doubt it.

Do I care what people with low self-esteem think about it? No.

You're not a reviewer, you're one of those guys who sits at the coffee house agonizing over his latest poem, pissed at the world because they won't be silent long enough for him to figure out what rhymes with pain.

Go back to your angry crayons young man, at least the pictures were pretty.

interesting

Check this out, Freud, you don't know dick. I've never had a sip of coffee in my life, and I damn sure don't frequent coffee houses.

But since your first two attempts at psychoanalysis failed, I'll give you some more material to work with. Since you did mention poetry, I'll post some of my poems for you to use to figure me out with, as that seems to be something you're interested in doing:

Ode to France


Moral pontification high and mighty
Condemning America with pious voice
But when the enemy comes into sighty
It's time for flighty:
Surrender and rejoice!

-- Buff, The Warrior Poet, 2002


Ode to PMS

Hormones flow like a raging river
Crashing through the canyon
My girlfriend lacerates my liver
And tries to cut off my manyon

What monstrous enemy of man is this
Invisible to the eye
At whose name involuntary piss
Flows from every guy

Its name is Estrogen
And it leads to PMS
And no other force on Earth
Causes such distress

O Estrogen O Estrogen
Mercy is for the weak
As long as there's no escape for men
Our futures remain mas bleak

The Sensitive Buffster -- 2001

Summer school matriculation
Brings an end to masturbation
As the classroom full of horny sluts
Waits in line to handle my nuts
For the duration of the semester
Pennis and Testiclese they sequester
While on their boyfriends they doth cheat
With the Buffster's gigantic man meat.

The Sensitive Buffster -- 2001

I've seen better on bathroom walls:

Here I sit all broken hearted
thought I'd shit and only farted.

ring a bell?

Difficile est satiram non scribere.

:helpme

it sucked
it was cheasy and gay

what a shitty review. i think my 3 year old cousin with downsyndrome could write something better.

No surprise your family's gene pool is polluted with shit like that. I'm the product of a secret government eugenics project and you have a family of retards.

And your opinion of my review is supposed to matter to me?

ohhhhhh really, i'm disappointed then. i'd imagine they could do much better. but wtf? experiment gone horribly wrong.

and btw, i dont have a 3 year old cousin w/ downsyndrome. ;) sarcasm.

:winkwink:

It did go wrong -- I ended up with a 9 inch cock and a penchant for insulting people.

I apologize for insulting your non-existent cousin. ;)

Ummmm Buff let's not exagerate, your penis will be seen by all soon enough.... and lets just say, you are NOT the "White Rhino"

:Graucho

pretty good review

there were some parts of x2 that were good, but wolverine made it suck ass. i wanted to fucking ram my foot up the shit that sat beside me that smirked whenever wolverine said or did anything. lets steal cyclops car, and hit on his girl, even though hes done nothing to you.

Quom ei haec dicentur dicta, tum tu, furcifer, quasi mus in medio pariete uorsabere.

Et sceleratis sol oritur.

cool effects, but this movie dragged ass

I was going in hoping to like it (expecting to, actually)
couldn't wait for the lights to come back on - fucking tedious

cyclops is and always has been, a pussy
but i definately would've tagged mystique

Does Wolverine's dick grow back if you cut it off?

:1orglaugh

I will watch anything Hugh Jackman is in :Graucho

Rotten Tomatoes gives it an 88% :thumbsup
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/X2XMenUnited-1122256/

That's a KILLER site for reviews. They average in reviews from all over the US, so that'll give you a decent idea about the flick.

that was one of the worst reviews i've ever seen. you didnt really say anything about the movie except for your hate for wolverine. and if you saw the first movie and had any common sense you would have known the chick was trying to get revenge on him when she turned into jean grey but he noticed when he saw the scars on her side from when he fucked her up in the first movie.

Summer school matriculation
Brings an end to masturbation
As the classroom full of horny sluts
Waits in line to handle my nuts
For the duration of the semester
Pennis and Testiclese they sequester
While on their boyfriends they doth cheat
With the Buffster's gigantic man meat.

hahahahahaha

I liked the movie alot, lots of action and special effects, and hot chicks too! I mean i didn'y go there to get a deeper insight into the human soul, i went there to see some ass kicking. And i like wolverine, he killed without giving anyone a chance.