Deep Thoughts, By Jack Handy
 

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

/me and Brisk must be on the same page, heh

i love these :

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.


If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me

I believe in making the
world safe for our children,
but not our children's children,
because I don't think children
should be having sex.

When you're riding in a time
machine way far into the future,
don't stick your elbow out the
window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging
a guy behind your horse, I bet it would
really make you mad if you looked back
and the guy was reading a magazine.

If you ever fall off of the top of the Sears tower, go really limp and pretend that you are a dummy.. That way, when someone on the ground sees you falling they will think 'Hey free dummy' and catch you..