Let's give the Canuks a night off and make fun of the aussies...
 

Why is an Australian lover like a wombat?
He eats roots, shoots, and leaves.

Australian foreplay - "Brace yerself Sheila."

What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
Bisexual.

Australian man: Why is your beer like having sex in a canoe?
English man: Dunno, why?
Australian man: It's like fucking close to water!

Reasons to be an Aussie:

Dispossess Abbos who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.

Knowing your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard no civilized nation on earth wanted.

If you're going to plagarise Monty Python at least do it accurately.

It's American beer not Australian. :1orglaugh

Come on, you guys have the worst domestic beer in the world!

I've never tasted such shitty beers as Budweiser and Miller.

It's goddamn horse piss.

LOL you're too easy...I knew this would pull you out.

Man...I played you like a fucking guitar.

An Aussie student was walking on campus one day when another Aussie rode up on a shiny new bicycle.

'Where did you get such a nice bike?' asked the first.

The second Aussie replied,
'Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."'

The first Aussie nodded approvingly.

'Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted.'

Like you dispossed the native Americans? Oh, and it was primarily the English who did that. Australia didn't become a nation until 1901, so there were no Australians before that.

And don't forget that you were a penal colony before Australia.

Q: How do you stop an Aussie from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Ok .. I'll hand you that one. Thought you guys would have forgotten the swimming by now.
:1orglaugh

I'm waiting for something that's actually funny!

Bring on some more Aussie jokes... it helps if you know something about Australia though!

What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.


What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?You only have to punch information into a computer once.


Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?It's not worth shitting on.


Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!



What do you call a field full of Australians?A vacant lot.


An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry "I am doing this for my country.....". The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words. Then the New Zealander ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and cried "I'm doing this for my country.....".



How do you define 144 Australians?Gross stupidity.



The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied, "I'm 5'11 and sitting in the front seat".


What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?A cheat.



An Aussie is proof that God has a sense of humour.

What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?Gifted.


If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?The blonde - the other two don't exist.


How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.


What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you.Pull the pin and throw it back.


Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?The brain rejected him a week later.


What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.


An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"


What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?A bus shelter.


Newsflash!! Paul Keating's library burned down at the weekend and two books were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.


There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.


An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.

I'm just funning with you Aussies...and yeah...strumming Joe ;)

Ok it's a copy and paste, but I couldn't resist..... :winkwink:


NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your problems governing yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. it's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.

I'm still waiting for something funny...

Come on... you can do it!

Haha good stuff.

Naw that's okay, I'm tired of playing with you. I need something a bit more challenging.

So, that would make you another "Joe Strummer"?



<a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/news/newsarticle.asp?nid=17241" TARGET="_blank">Joe Strummer</a>

You need a good sense of humour. You also need to know something about Australian culture to tell a goood Aussie joke.

I think australian girls are pretty hot, its all that sun and surfing :2 cents:

:1orglaugh the english still make cars?


on the up side, i can drive a tank through town...

That WAS awfully easy.....


Funny...
I think the best he could do was put down American beer. -

Oh yeah - Let's all have a Fosters.
(Australian for Kangaroo piss)



:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

We don't drink Fosters, only idiot foreigners do.

And he was plagarizing Monty Python. In the original sketch it was American beer not Australian.

It is true. Your mainstream domestic beer is the most tasteless in the world.

God bless European beer.

It takes a WISE man to judge a country by it's beer.

But you DO make fosters, export it, and tell the world you drink it and that you like it ... right? - what's that - National Pride or are you all just liars?

I don't drink beer myself... Only Vodka.

Do you all have kangaroo piss vodka down there too?

Fosters is a joke we're playing on the rest of the world. And yes, you're all as stupid as we think you are. After all, it sells very well! :1orglaugh

No, we don't have kangaroo piss vodka here. I guess we mainly drink Absolut, Stoli and Smirnoff.

Is there an American vodka you're not telling us about?! :1orglaugh

The bottle of Smirnoff I have here says "Produced in America".

Stoli is rot gut and Absolute is way over rated. But that's just my opinion. There are a couple I prefer over all those.

I am glad you told us of the marketing ploys and lies we are to expect from the Aussies. You think the rest of the world is stupid huh?

My My, I bet the government there is just proud as hell with the likes of you. You are a FINE example of what we have come to expect.

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

i think its the aussies who get the last laughs as we get the great exchange rate with the US$ and make a nice big etc % with every cheque you nice US people send over here :)

Nurgle

BRING BACK THE BANANA REPUBLIC !!!!!

Would be great to have the Aussie dollar worth $.50 US. Why oh why does our economy have to be almost healthy ?!

We need Paul Keating back in power. He will help bring down the dollar. :Graucho

austrlia is a lot like canada, they are america's bitches.

sorry i couldnt understand you with that cock in your mouth.