GoFuckYourself.com - Adult Webmaster Forum

OMG!!! That site has a FAQ/GUIDE that's freaking hilarious!!

Here's an excerpt from their "CLIENT GUIDE" :
A sort of an outline of "proper etiquette" when entertaining a high class escort
http://www.monalisamodels.com.au/guide2.html

Some more advice for less experienced would-be gentlemen: 
BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you
girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic
and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your
50th birthday cake. That hurts. 
 

SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon
for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and
soothe them. 
 

BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then
clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts?
Nipples are highly sensitive, like the head of a penis. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick
and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good.
Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't. 

TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the
nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio
station in a bad area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the
exclamation points. 
 

IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with
just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown
Tunnel! There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far
too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start
paying them some attention. Stroke her arms, her face, her stomach, kiss her ankles... 
 

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going
to be that aggressive, just ask her to take her clothing off herself. 
 

LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's
responsibility. You wore it, you store it. Wrap it in tissues and dispose
in the bin. DO NOT FLUSH CONDOMS. They end up on our beaches, and choking
our sealife to death. 
 
ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so
gently rotate your fingers/ tongue along the side or just above or below the
clitoris. 
 

STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they
left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast.
If you want to satisfy your companion, keep going at all costs,
numb jaw or not. Listen to her body language, and it will go faster anyway.
Ask her to tell you or show you now she likes it. 
 

UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she
will look when naked at the waist with a blouse stuck over her head.
Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy. 

GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her
panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs
and yanking it back and forth is not. 
 

BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the
clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where
it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to
stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but
if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's
best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she
likes it. If not, don't keep repeating it. 
 

MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual,
relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are
okay; elbows and knees are not. 
 

UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before
she's at least made some move toward getting your clothes off, even if
it's just undoing a couple of your buttons. Let her set the pace.
She's a professional, & knows how to do it just right.. 
 

TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is at his
worst. Lose the socks first! 
 

GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the intercourse situation, the worst
thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -
Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
You are indulging your sensuality, not pumping gas. 
 

GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
thighs or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds. Plus she will close her legs more to try to
avoid the bruising, so you get less deep penetration. 
 

CUMMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before
you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to
ensure her pleasure too! It will be worth it later.. 
 

NOT CUMMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an
hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her, (and most women) it's
more likely the mark of a dumb, insensitive jerk. At least buy some
intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest
while you're playing Marathon Man. 
 

ASKING IF SHE HAS CUM. You really ought to be able to tell. Most
women make noise, and all women enjoy strong, pulsating contractions
in the vagina when she climaxes, which you may feel around fingers or other
appendages that happen to be inside her at the time.
But if you really don't know, don't ask. It ruins the mood, and if she thinks
you made her cum,
then you ask if she has, all the respect you've just built up is dashed. 
 

PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a
saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on
gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. NO TEETH!!! 
 

NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-
to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis.
All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a
cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try
talking seductively to her. A lot of men don't understand that when you give to a
woman first, she always gives 200% back. 
 

NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm smells like sea water mixed
with egg white. Not everybody likes it. It also ruins a good hairdo!
When you're doing something where protection is not strictly necessary,
eg. spanish, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary. 
 

MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving
during fellatio. You just relax there. And don't grab her head. 
 

MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine.
Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress
her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain
of a schooner. And let her have a rest. 
 

SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise.
It's as sexy as a belching contest. Be a man. Lose the slapping. 
 

ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in
bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too
ambitious. A sensual atmosphere is rarely coupled with a change in
position every 3 minutes. 
 

LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels
good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't. 
 

NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. To be a good lover, you have to finish
the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do
the same for you... 
 

SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on
her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue. 
 

More here
http://www.monalisamodels.com.au/guide2.html