Go Fuck Yourself this evening.
 

Unless you're reading this. Then I want you to have lots of fun and good times. Be safe.

If you're not reading this, I wish the worst for you. Seriously. I hope in the new year you experience a limb turning black and falling off. I hope you get an inner-ear infection that destroys your ability to walk in a straight line, and I hope every stray cat in your neighborhood moves in under your porch and uses it as an orgy center where all they do is fuck and give birth.

And I hope you fucking hate cats.

May you constantly step in dog shit every morning and sit in something that you've no clue what it is every afternoon. I hope even though you hate to use public restrooms that you find several times throughout the year that you MUST take a shit right now, and may that restroom be among the worst shit holes on earth with feces filled, non-flushing toilets covered in a disgusting watery spray from the last asshole. I also hope there's no toilet paper.

That's right. I want you to give serious consideration to shitting your pants while you stand there trying not to vomit.

All because you didn't read my very honest wishes that you have a great 2014.

I love that old lady.

I'll bet in her prime I'd drag myself across miles of broken glass to win her heart.

Only later to find out she's a prostitute and all I really needed was a ten spot.

That bitch.

I now hate her.