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If you got them, post them.
Here's mine:

At the back of a movie theater, a girl and a guy are making out passionately. Finally, the boy has to take a moment to stop and come up for air. "Wow," he pants. "I really love kissing you, but
would you mind not passing me your chewing gum?"

"Oh, that's not chewing gum," replies the girl. "I have bronchitis."

:1orglaugh
Oz

:throwup
:1orglaugh

yuk.

:repuke

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said,
"I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said,
"Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-
mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

LOL

3 Guys walked into a

brb

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One
looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says,
"That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds,
"Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

:1orglaugh

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

My fave one

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100 For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible"
"Of course it was. Just wait ?til you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous."
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure he receives.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon, You can't mean that."
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan"

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What? The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that sheunderstands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to herleft breast, then she points to her butt, and fiinally to her crotch. Well, there is noway in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes
upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?"She replies, "EYE- LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"

CHOOSING YOUR PASSWORD
A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in with a password.
Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebelliousattitude and goes for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter_his password, he keys in "penis".
His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when_the computer replied...:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.
"I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.
"Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.
"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."


Rich, Eddie and Michael decided to visit a prostitute.
It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
When Rich comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"
"$75 dollars." said Rich with a wink and a smile.
Eddie goes in and returns with a fee of $85, and several "high fives." The first two were proud of their prowess.
Michael goes in and returns. "How much did she charge you?" asks Rich.
"$20 dollars," replies Michael.
Both Rich and Eddie started laughing hysterically.
"Hey guys," replied Michael, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!!"


There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"


One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she glared at him and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."
*
One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get a baby."
The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelry."
*
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little
something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always gonext door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

WHISKEY & WORMS A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class
a lesson about the evils of liquor, so ho proceeded with an experiment involving a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now class...observe the worms closely," said the professor, putting a worm first into the water. The worm wiggled around, happy as could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It wiggled about painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Little Bobby, sitting in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

RAILROAD ACCIDENT
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court. At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross- examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." "How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

TOP 11 SIGNS YOU WATCH TOO MUCH TV
11) You end telephone conversations with the phrase,
"You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"
10) You wonder why the people at TV guide have never won the Pulitzer Prize.
9) Your lifelong dream is to say "Live from New York, its Saturday Night!!"
8) You keep wooden stakes and garlic handy in case Buffy ever needs your help.
7) Every time someone angers you, you threaten to "vote them off the island" the next chance you get.
6) You wonder if the dog from "Frasier" will ever be as big as Lassie.
5) You write angry letters in Klingon to the producers of Star Trek wondering why the hell Seven of Nine doesn't get more face time.
4) You wonder if today is the day the coyote finally catches the roadrunner. 3) You end every conversation with "And that's the bottom line, cause (insert your name here) said so."
2) You honestly believe that you can pass medical school based solely on your knowledge from watching "ER". and the number one reason you know you've been watching too much TV...
1) Every time someone answers one of your questions, you ask, "Is that your final answer?"

THE BLONDE'S REVENGE!
* Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.
* What's black, blue, and brown and lying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
* What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it! * What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.
* Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.
* What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
* What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
* What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage
* Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price


HARD DRINKERS
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

TWO COMPLAINTS
A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. Along came this woman, seeing the two cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know." The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?" The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?" The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company."

3 TIMES 4
A little girl takes the elevator on her way to school. The girl hasn't finished her homework, as she is stuck with one of the questions. Next to her in the elevator there is a housewife, an accountant, and a lawyer. "Excuse me", she says, speaking to no one in particular. "Could anyone please tell me how much is 3 times 4?" "Why, twelve of course, little girl", answers the housewife, somewhat detachedly. She steps out at the next elevator stop muttering something about laundry and cooking. The girl seems no to be happy with the answer, so she looks at the accountant expectantly. He sighs, and tries to do some mental calculations. "I'm not sure", he finally offers, "might be 11.99 or 12.50. I need to run these numbers on my spreadsheet to make sure." Of course she is not happy with this answer either, so she turns to look at the lawyer. The lawyer smiles confidently at her, discreetly signaling her to wait. When the accountant finally steps out of the elevator, the lawyer kneels down to her and whispers, "how much do you want it to be?"

THE COUNSELOR
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

POLITICS MADE SIMPLE
Do you have trouble understanding politics? If so, the following primer (thanks to the Manitoban - University of Manitoba) should clear it up for you. No bull.
Socialism - You have two cows. Give one to your neighbor.
Communism - You have two cows. Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
Capitalism - You sell one cow and buy a bull.
Fascism - You have two cows. Give milk to the government. The government sells it.
Nazism - The government shoots you and takes the cows.
New Dealism - The government shoots one cow, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
Anarchism - Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
Conservatism - Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
Liberalism - Give away one cow. Get the government to give you a new cow. Now give them both away.

BUSES
A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," The blonde says,
"How do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer says,
"Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says,
"Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde says,
"Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

TOP TIPS FOR EVERYDAY CHEAPSKATES (AND IDIOTS )
Old telephone directories are ideal for personal address books, just mark out all the names and addresses that you don't know.
When reading a book tear out each page as you read them, this prevents having to buy bookmarks, and later the pages can be used as shopping lists!
Fool other drivers by taking a old TV remote and holding it up to your ear, this will make it look like you will have a very expensive cell phone!
But don't forget to occasionally swerve across the road and mount the curb. Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator so you can check to see if the light goes off when you close it.
Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and placing them in the garage.
No time for a bath? Just wrap your self in masking tape and peel it off in a few minutes, this will remove dirt quickly.
Expensive hair gels are a con.
Marmalade is much cheaper, but beware of bees in the summer.
Avoid cutting yourself by clumsily slicing your vegetables while you get somebody else to hold it for you.

Rules of Bedroom Golf
1 Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2 Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3 Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4 For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5 Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6 The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7 It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8 Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course
owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9 Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10 Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone
else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11 Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12 The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13 Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14 Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15 It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Chores on the Farm
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done
he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry.
His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?" "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat.
The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.

She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."


:thumbsup

A man drives. Suddenly he sees a gorgeous young redhead standing by the road. A moment later, a HUGE Irish man jumps outta the bushes and makes the man stop in front of him.

The Irish giant opens the door and pulls the poor guy out. "Ya see that redhead over there? Look at her ya bastard!" yells the Irish. "Eye want ya to pull down ya pants and masturbate! Right now!"

The lil guy truly terrified doesn't know what to think, pulls down his pants and starts spanking the monkey. Looking at the girl it doesn't take him very long. "There sir, I'm done.." he says.

"AGAIN!" yells the giant, "Pull down ya pants and jerk off ya asshole".

So the poor guy starts pulling his dick and after a while finishes again. "There sir, please let me go now" he says. "No!" says the Irish man, "Again! Do it, now!". The little man replies: "But really sir, I can't, you can do whatever you want but I won't be able to do it one more time".

"Alright, now would you be kind enough to give my daughter over there a ride home?" He says, and points at that same girl.

:1orglaugh LOL FUCKIN' FUNNY SHIT! ':1orglaugh

lol digifan
Where the hell are you getting all thoughs?
:1orglaugh
Oz