Joke Thread
 

No pics, Will keep this going. You're welcome to add your own but no stupid shit posts just so you can get your sig ashowing. Ladies, You will be appalled but don't get mad, get even, lets see your best male bashing ones. I'm a man that believes if you can dish it out you better be able to take it.

Q: What do you call a divorcee?
A: A born-again cocksucker.

Q: What?s the shortest distance between two points?
A: A tight blouse.


Drunk Speakenesse

Things that are hard to say when you?re drunk?..

1) Innovative
2) Preliminary
3) Proliferation
4) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY hard to say when you?re drunk?

1) Specificity
2) British Constitution
3) Passive-aggressive disorder
4) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you?re drunk?

1) Thanks, but I don?t want to sleep with you.
2) Nope, no more drinks for me, I?ve reached my limit.
3) Sorry, but you?re not really my type.
4) Please take the shooters back, let?s have water.
5) Good evening officer, isn?t it lovely out tonight?
6) I?m not interested in fighting you.
7) Oh, I just couldn?t ? no one wants to hear me sing.
8) Thank you, but I won?t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.
9) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
10) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
11) Look, it would be great to have sex with you; but, I hardly know you and we will only feel really embarrassed and awkward in the morning.
12) That guy is looking at my girlfriend but I am sure it?s just because he knows her or something.
13) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn?t try balancing on it with this miniskirt I have on in case I fell off.

http://i43.tinypic.com/23hu3dc.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/9NozZzX.gif

oh, and see sig :thumbsup

I resemble that remark :pimp

pull my finger i just ate beans

Q: What is the definition of Relative Humidity?
A: The sweat on your ballbag while you're screwing your cousin.

A lawyer says to his partner, "Are you fucking the new secretary?"
The other lawyer says, "No."
He says, "Good, Then you fire her."

you cannot educate retard monkeys.

You dingleberries think my shit is so retarded then post something better.

polish guy goes to the eye dr... dr ask, can you read the chart? polish guys says, hey! I know all those guys...

Q: There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope, what's the other one doing?
A: Sniffing crack.

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q: What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang, bang-bang, clip-clop, clip-clop?
A: An Amish drive by shooting.

Q: Why does the snowman have a big smile on his face?

A: Because the snow blower came by.

Q: What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
A: Having your dentist tell you.

Q: What do you get if you cross a prostitute with an elephant?
A: A whore who fucks you for peanuts and remembers you forever.

Q: What do you call a fourteen year old virgin in Tasmania?
A: Fast

LOL good jokes!

Hey tks Camel Toe

Q: What is "Endless Love?"
A: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.

A beautiful young girl comes home and says,
"Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says,
"But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik.
He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.
You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury
for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says,
"Ma, I love my Arab sheik,
but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass.
Day and night,that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass.
When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now,
it's the size of a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

As the airliner pushed back from the gate,
the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual
information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip
while your captain, Judith Campbell,
and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
"Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said,
"Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think of all those women up
there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant,
"We no longer call it the cockpit,
Now it's the 'box office'."

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Q: How do you turn a city girl into a cotton picker?
A: Cut her tampon string.

Q: Do you know how West Virginians practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. Why does a dog lick its dick?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

Q: What is 68?
A: You do me and I owe you one.

Q: What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point!

I had to post this one. Maaaaaan me and the ole lady rolled on the floor when we found it.

Chili Testing

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook
-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when
they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m
getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. @#ck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note
that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a @?%#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the $#@!ing pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing.
I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my f#$%ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s#i$ to match my &*%damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. $@ck it, I’m
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the !@#$ing 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it.
Poor Yank.
FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Little Johnny

The teacher says, “Okay, class, we’re going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word ‘perhaps’ in it.”

Claude says, “Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won’t give us any homework.”

The teacher says, “Very good, Claude.”

Mary says, “The sky is very dark… perhaps it’s going to rain.”

The teacher says, “Very good, Mary.”

She calls on Little Johnny in the back. “Johnny?”

Johnny says, “Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano.”

piss flaps?

A nurse walks into the doctor’s office.
She says, “Doc, what are you doing?”
He says, “I’m writing a prescription.”
She says, “But you’re holding your thermometer.”
He says, “Jesus Christ. Some asshole’s got my pen.”

:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:thumbsup

Best joke in the thread! :1orglaugh



.

Q: Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A: Because women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.

U cant simply out do Harmon with that!

https://gfy.com/image.php?u=54977&dateline=1231340391

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.
The first one says, “My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal.”

The second one says, “That’s nothing. My Daddy can eat six.”

Little Johnny starts laughing and says, “My Daddy can eat light bulbs.”

The other two boys tell Johnny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs and Little Johnny replies, “Last night I was passing my parents room and my Daddy said, ‘Hunny turn out that light I want to eat that thing.’”

The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

Q: What happened when the Ethiopian fell in the crocodile pit?
A: He ate six crocs before they could pull him out.

2 gypsies, ,man and woman, are smuggling skunks across the boarder
the man puts one skunk under each armpit, and gives the 3rd skunk to his wife:
"hide it in your pants woman!"
she replies "but it stinks!"
he says" let it die!"

:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh

a gypsy wakes up from surgery and says: "doctor I cant sense my feet!"

the doc replies: "yes, we had to wash them!"

:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:

a gypsy gets pushed in to the river he screams:

"help! I dont know how to take a bath!"

:1orglaugh:1orglaugh

crucifissio, hahahahahahahaha

On the honeymoon, Harriet says to her new husband, “Eddie, how many women have you slept with?”

He says, “If I tell you, you’ll freak out.”

She says, “No, I won’t.”

He says, “Okay. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…you…nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen….”

Q: What do call a dog with no back legs and steel balls
A: Sparky

Q. What do you find in a clean nose?
A. Fingerprints!

q. what did Abe Lincoln say after his 3 day drinking binge?
a. I freed who!!!??