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Let's have a laugh. Jokes inside.
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..." |
Why was the blondes' belly button sore?
Because her boyfriend was blonde too. :1orglaugh A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." :1orglaugh What do dolphins and GFYers have in common? They say that they're intelligent but no one's been able to prove that. :1orglaugh Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph? Joseph: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!" :1orglaugh |
A penguin is driving through Arizona when his car starts to overheat. He pulls into an auto-shop, but the only mechanic is busy and it will take him a while to get around to looking at the penguin's car, so the penguin decides to take a walk through town.
Well, he isn't accustomed to the Arizona heat and has soon worked up a sweat so is relieved when he sees an ice cream shop. He orders a big bowl of vanilla ice cream, and not having thumbs ignores the spoon in favor of using his flippers to shovel the cool goodness towards his mouth. Ice cream is flying all over the place - it's on his beak, it's on his chest, it's all over the table, it's even on the walls behind him! Newly refreshed, he heads back to the mechanic who by now is sure to have diagnosed the problem with the car. When he gets there, the mechanic tells him "well, it looks like you blew a seal." To which, the penguin replies, "no, it's just ice cream." |
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What's the quickest way to lose 290 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce her. |
What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim, Denim, Denim. |
Not a whole lot of funny going on here, Jack Benny.
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A priest, a minister and Lensman walk into a bar...
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80 year old man:
My 28 year old wife is pregnant, your opinion Doctor? Doctor: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and BANG... The lion drops dead! Old man: That's impossible; someone else must have shot the lion. Doctor: MY POINT EXACTLY! |
i'm confused.
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LOL that was really good :thumbsup
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Every Paul Markham thread makes us laugh. Except the ones that are supposed to.
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Women are just like orange juice cartons. Its not the shape or the size
that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those fucking flaps to open! |
Magic join links.
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knock knock.
who's there? Markham. Markham who? Paul Markham. |
Back many years ago when I was just a kid, I lived on the same block as Paul MarkhAm.
Paul's son Bobby and I used to be in the same class. One day the teacher said that we ended up with some spare time and that if anyone had a question that she hadn't covered yet that she had time now to answer it. Well, Bobby raised his hand and the teacher asked him what his question was. Bobby said, "well teach, I've been hearing a lot about a thing called a penis lately, so my question is, what is a penis?". The teacher turned all red and said, "Bobby, that is a question that you should probably ask your Dad." Bobby said ok and then the bell rang and we headed for home. That night, Bobby asked his dad, "Dad, I've been hearing a lot lately about a thing called a penis. So, what is a penis." Paul looked at his son proudly and said, "well, that's a great question Bobby and I have the answer for you." He then proceeded to unzip his trousers and pulled his dick out. He pointed to it and said "Bobby, this is a penis, and furthermore, this is a perfect penis." Bobby replied, oh, ok. Thanks Dad." The next day I saw Bobby on the way to school so I asked him, "hey Bobby, did you find out what a penis is?" and Bobby replied, "Oh yeah". He then unzipped his pants, pulled his dick out and said "This is a penis and furthermore if it was about 2 inches shorter it would be a perfect penis". ;p |
Two large ladies with strange UK accents walk into a bar, so the bartender said "Hello. Are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them replied "It's WALES you fucking idiot!" So he immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"... :pimp |
https://gfy.com/forumdisplay.php?f=54 :1orglaugh
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After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.
"You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back." |
I've retired.
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A dog walks into a bar and says, "I am looking for the man that shot my paw!"
:thumbsup |
An Eskimo was sitting in his kayak and was really cold so he lit a fire to keep warm.
His kayak sank and he drowned which just proves that "You can't have your kayak and heat it too. :1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh |
I'm sure most of you remember Mel Famy, the great left-handed pitcher for Milwaukee and how he choked and blew the deciding game of the pennant in '63.
Few people know that it was actually the stress of the game that led to his downfall. You see, Mel Famy, to deal with the pressure, would sneak into the locker room between innings and tilt a few cans of his team's eponymous liquid. Yes, Mel Famy would knock back a can or two of beer before reappearing in the bullpen. Suffice it to say, his performance suffered for it, although he was able to keep the secret for a long time. It wasn't until that pennant game that it all came to a head, so to speak. As the game progressed his pitching grew more and more erratic and batter after batter took the stroll to first without so much as fanning the air over the plate. The Brewers, as we all remember, lost the game. In the post-game interviews the opposing players were asked if the pitcher's drinking was responsible for the debacle. They were unanimous in their assessment: ?IT'S THE BEER THAT MADE MEL FAMY WALK US!!? they said. :thumbsup:thumbsup:thumbsup:thumbsup |
A kid comes home from school and says to his dad, "Dad, I have to write a report about the difference between potential and reality. Can you help me?"
The dad replies, "Well, it is kind of hard to explain. Let me give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mom if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars." The kid gives him a strange look, but goes into the kitchen and asks his mom the question. She tells him, "I wouldn't want to cheat on your father, but that is a lot of money. We could pay off the house and put you kids through college so for the good of the family I would do it." The kid goes and tells his dad his mom's answer. The dad then says, "Go ask your sister if she would sleep with Zac Effron for a million dollars." The kid marches into his sister's room and asks her. She tells him, "Hell yes I would!" The kid returns to the living room and tells his dad her answer. The dad then tells him to go ask his brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. The kid does a double take, but goes into his brother's room and asks him. The brother says, "Well, I'm not gay and I doubt Tom is either, but a million is a lot of money. If I knew nobody would ever find out I probably would." The kid goes back and reports the answer to his dad. His dad pauses for a second and takes a drink of his beer and says, "So, there you have the difference between potential and reality. Potentially we are sitting on three million dollars, but the reality is we are just living with two sluts and a fag." |
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a webmaster walked into a bar and said i'm paul markham
when I stop laughing I will type the rest |
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During the early years of World War II a pair of English pilots stationed in North Africa were sitting in the officer's mess taking a pint of bitters. Both were boasting of their hunting prowess. The subject came round, as it ever will on such occasions, to one of the supreme game animals of them all, the desert lion. As the pilots became sufficiently lubricated they eventually challenged each other to a competition to see who would be the first to bag one of these wily creatures. It being a friendly wager, each would put up a pint of bitter as the prize. The contest would begin the following morning.
The first fellow, after suitable preparation, set off into the desert on foot with a fine Mannlicher-Schoenauer rifle. The other, more enterprising, prepared one of the Hurricane fighters and took off. It took him almost no time before he spotted one tawny beast loping along under the desert sun. He quickly dispatched it with his wing guns, flew back to the aerodrome, secured a lorry, retrieved the animal and returned to claim both glasses of bitter. The shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion. :thumbsup:thumbsup:thumbsup |
Sad, this is.
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There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer , and a Torontonian. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out, "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes" says the genie.
So the Newfie says "I am a fisherman by', me dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and me by will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish". 'POOF' the oceans were full of fish. The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around da province of Quebec, so noting or no henglish people will get in". 'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec. The guy from Toronto says "Tell me more about this wall." The genie says "Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out". So the Torontian says "Fill it up with water". |
A young boy way taken away from his parents because he was being abused. When he was questioned in court, the judge asked him who he'd rather live with. The boy said "well I don't want to live with my Dad because he beats me. I won't live with my Mom because she beats me too... So I guess I'll have to live with the Toronto Maple Leafs because they don't beat anybody!".
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Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall: "Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: "Not bad ..." Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back to Colorado ..." Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me." |
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http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/248.html Amazing how even in a joke thread you have to steal other people's work and not credit them. |
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:thumbsup:thumbsup:thumbsup |
In school Mrs. Rogers was playing a word game with the kids.
She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter. Mrs. Rogers said the letter "B" and Johnny raised his hand. Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say bitch She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball Mrs. Rogers said the letter "P", and Johnny raised his hand again. Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say Pussy, she called on Frank, who said paper. Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter "R", and again Johnny raised his hand. Mrs. Rogers couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R" so she picked Johnny. Johnny hesitated and said "Rat" .... "A Big Mother Fucking Rat! :thumbsup:thumbsup:thumbsup:thumbsup |
Politicians are like diapers.
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason |
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One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick". Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats". On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using. Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey. Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey! :thumbsup:thumbsup:thumbsup:thumbsup |
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. |
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand. |
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" |
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Multiple personality Syndrome We are all confused since you barged in after WeBlog4you got banned aka Chris Butler the scam artist |
guy and girl are hunting but they get lost and it's getting dark.
Girl says: shoot in the air,maybe someone will hear! Guy shoots. They wait - nothing happens. Girl says: again! Guy shoots.They wait - nothing happens. Girl says: again! Guy shoots.They wait - nothing happens. Girl says: again! Guy says: I cant, I'm out of arrows. Someone calls the firefighters hotline: quick!!! please come,my house is burning!! Firefighter hotline: how do we get to your house? Guy(confused): Dont you use those red trucks anymore? |
Got this in an email:
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of crap!'' |
A proof that men have better friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friends house. Husband calls her 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Man didn't come home one night. Next morning he says he slept over at a friends house. Wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he slept over and two said he was still there. |
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