Falling in love, jealousy/controlling, and then disaster.
 

That's how the cycle seems to go.

A little over a year ago, I met this wonderful girl. She had an abstract (very independent feel to her at the time) personality she displayed as a person. It was probably one of the first things that attracted me to her (aside from her Double Ds). She was not the same as every other girl out there... she was unique. Her looks were great... baby blue eyes, cute blonde hair, nice fit body, and a gorgeous smile.

After about 3 weeks of seeing her, we decided to take it to the next level and call us an "exclusive" couple. What did this mean? Well, neither of us would see or talk to anyone else having any sexual intentions or desires.

Everything went well for the next 6 months. We were cheerful, cuddly, loving, and I had an open mind and heart.

Around month 8 I started to feel a little jealous about some things in her past that she was talking about, but said she wanted nothing more to do with them. Well, the things that got to me were old friends that she had talked to at the University while she lived in the dorms (guys and girls). So after not hanging out with them for a long time... I thought it would be a good idea for us to start fresh. I asked her to delete her AOL screen names (once used for chatting purposes w/buddy lists, etc.). I think that was mistake number 1. She did go ahead and delete about 4 of them which she had. Well, month after month I would find out she had created another (behind my back). If a person needs to hold on to their past so much... then thats what must happen I guess, but not if I'm involved.

In month 9 of our relationship, my girlfriend approached her strict Catholic parents and told them she was planning to move out of their home and into an apartment with her boyfriend (me) in June of '05. Her parents freaked out... and since that day, I have never really been welcome to their home (happened 6 months ago). Her parents are so strict, in fact, my girlfriend's curfew is 10:30pm every day of the week. She is almost 21 years old. I learned to deal with the curfew, simply because I loved her... and I tried to understand her situation with an open mind. We decided it would be a bad idea if she moved out before finishing college... because her parents would pretty much disown her, and take her car back, which would leave her with no transportation.

Pretty soon... I made sure she was in almost no contact with people from the past, since she said she had no reason to stay in touch with them. Old phone numbers from her cell were deleted (by her). I thought everything was gravy.

Today - I get an email from her saying she no longer wants to be on a leash... and talked about how unhealthy our relationship has been for so long because of my jealous accusations, controlling, name calling, etc. She says she loves me and wants us to work through things... but that I have to have trust before I love. However, she continued on telling me just how much she loved me. Also, she tells me in order to stay together I need to work on my trust. Most of this I agree with, but then again... ->

All of this is coming from the same person who has to be home @ 10:30pm M-F... who has parents that totally despise me, and someone who all of the sudden wants to get in contact with people from her past which she wanted to move on past just months ago.

The pressure our relationship experiences because of my bullshit, plus the stress her parents have caused us, and now her wanting to go back in time has just totally ripped me apart from the inside out. I have become so neurotic that its just goofy.

I do love her (regardless of the trust factor)... its just hard for us to get along these days. She wants to work through and make us last (so she says), but I think it would involve way too much sacrifice on my part. Not only would I have to stop controlling her so much, but per her request she doesn't want me asking for details of her daily life. I ask because I'm jealous, yeah, but I also like to show interest in what she does day to day.

In the past month we haven't had but maybe 4-5 good days together... and I see her maybe 3 days a week. That means not even half of the days I see her are we actually content with one another. Our phone conversations have pretty much been depleted of any excitement (she never has anything to say or is too tired to talk).

Should I ditch the situation? I do love her, but I don't want her in contact with people from her past. They are no longer her friends, and when they were, some of them did things that hurt her. Also, the stress her parents still put into the relationship (since my girlfriend still lives @ home) is just almost too much to deal with. The argueing about such things is another problem... which has caused me to raise my voice at her, call some names (knowing i really didn't mean them), and I was just a cruel person. She got bitchy and fought back too. She also called names.

I'm not looking for answers I guess... just opinions about the overall situation (not about me... I know I'm insecure right now in the relationship).

It sucks because I still love her and although everything is in turmoil right now, doesn't mean it has to be. On the other hand, if I do breakup with her... she can go back in time with people from the past (which is all of the sudden a good thing), and she would get her parents off her back, therefore making it an easier home life for her.

I'm thinking about destiny... if its meant to be, maybe she will find me in a few years. Otherwise, maybe it is time to move on.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. :Oh crap

dude stop being jealous, thats not good..

My gf was like that too, shit when i first met her i thought she was a ho' but anyway i took her virginity..

But ya , she had like 50 guy friends from the past, and she would say hi to them by giving em 3 or 4 kisses on the LIPS! Damn !

But anyway i used to be like u but now im like what the hell, as long as shes not cheating on me i dont care if she talks to guys from her past.. and if she does cheat on me, then HER LOSS.

I'll find someone better who wont cheat on me.. if u restrict a girl like that, it makes shit all fucked up... Just let her do her.

there's no fucking way i'm reading all this

:thumbsup

I think you are right... but as I've stated - our phone conversations now add up to nothing, we still argue about other nonsense things out of habit, and we still have the pressure created from her parents.

I want her to save money while she is going to college so after we can move out and live together. However, she's buying 4 and 5 pairs of shoes every few weeks, grabbing new clothes, and now she wants a fucking dog. The expenses for all of this totally add up. As soon as I ask her to start saving money for our near future, she's telling me that I'm trying to control her again.

Love is not trying to control. Get a dog.

Without hearing her side of the story (that is, from her), it sounds like she has difficulty giving up the "old" life. I've never been a jealous or controlling type in any way as it's just not my nature, so I may not be the ideal authority ... But for me, the belief is that my gf is a free person - I have no rights over who she is, what she does or who she wants to spend her time with.

Imo:
Jealousy comes from insecurity
Insecurity is a sign of weakness

What woman really wants a jealous -> insecure -> weak man?
If you are strong and secure about yourself then you would project that onto your relationship. You shouldn't feel threatened by who she sees or chats with online as it's ultimately her decision and she'll be the most affected by her choices. In the end, it's her life.

(One caveat: From past experience a little (very little) jealousy is sometimes required as I've had exes accuse me of not caring - *because* I didn't act jealous! Geesh, someone ought to write a book ... )

Put down the beer, take off the wife beater and move out of the trailer park.
Jesus. You meet someone and after 6 months you want them to get rid of people out of their past?
In the grand scheme of things you are quite possibly nothing but a ship passing through the night while those others might be life long friends.
Get some help before you take it to the next level which you clearly will, and that's physical abuse.

Hate to say it, but I'm with your girlfriend on this. Doesn't she get enough over-control from her parents? Jesus.

Let her have a life that doesn't revolve around you. With a fucking curfew of 10.30 pm, she doesn't have TIME to go shagging around. I applaud her for having the balls to finally let you know where her line gets drawn.

If you think loving someone is to be jealous and controlling, then you're going to have to let this girl go. She wants something more than to be "on a leash" for the rest of her life.

One other thing to consider: When she finally does get out of her parents' house, she's going to find so much independance that she's going to go nuts. At least once, if only for a few hours. That feeling of freedom becomes engulfing, and if you're there trying to be all jealous and controlling, she'll rebel against you for standing in her way. That's life. When it's suddenly discovered that you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself for your actions, the feeling is a very heady mix of terror and ecstacy. Let her have her moment in the sun.

If you really love her and want her in your life, then you're going to have to let up. She has enough issues with overbearing parents, the last thing she needs is an overbearing boyfriend.

at this point n' time of your gf's life, there's definitely a significant part of her that wants to be free and wild, it is only natural. i've been with my gf for 3 years now, i'm 21 and she's 18 1/2... i can relate with you in much of the same way because she wants to start hanging out with her old friends (from like 4 / 5 years ago) who happen to all be guys... we're really close and i know i don't have anything to worry about, but having been through the same routine for 3 years virtually without any outside contact w/ friends, it has gotten to her and she wants to be able to do more things - and once you're with someone for so long, the smallest change can seem like a huge change and effect you in a big way... i have those same fucking insecurities, but it's a matter of keeping your mind focused on the fact that you know she won't do anything, and in time you will adjust to it and it won't be such a bother anymore. you can't restrain her, if she DOES do something with another guy, then at least you know you did all you could do - because restraining her makes you at fault.

mistake #1 is that you told her you loved her. The moment any woman sees that she is loved, and gets the confidence that she has all your feelings, it's over for her, because she doesn't know what to do with that, and doesn't appreciate it. I have not met one woman that hasn't changed once you tell her that you love her. That's the one thing you should never do. It's law. Also, you should try to keep things so that she loves you, and she's always unhappy with the amount of affection you're giving her. That way if she doesn't love you, she'll leave, if she does love you, she'll always keep on coming back to you and looking within herself for something wrong, because she's insecure. Most women become insecure in a situation where they are in love and they see that they're not getting the same thing back. This is the only way you're going to have a relationship where the girl doesn't look to her past and beyond you.

The moment you get all emotional, and she sees she has power over you, it's over man 100% no matter what anyone says, if you believe otherwise, you're in a for a big surprise.

As for your situation, once it's over it's over, don't think that when a person hesitates and the previous spark is gone, you can rekindle the fire and make her love you. Believe me, once it's over it's over, and you'll do yourself a great big favor if you forget about her and move on. If you come back to her after she dumped you, you're setting yourself up for stage 2 (an even higher realization on her behalf that she has power over you) and an even worse humiliation, cause she'll dump your amorous ass soo hard next time you won't know what hit yea. I'm assuming you're young, go out and tap some ass, don't even think twice man, i'm sure you don't look that bad either if you can get a girl of her description above.

:thumbsup :thumbsup

Each of the friends in her past were only there for less than 1 year... she isn't giving up a lifetime. They stopped being friends before we met, so after 6 months of them not really communicating on a normal basis, I asked her to start fresh and get rid of shit.

That's not your choice. As someone pointed out if you want to control something get a dog. Not another human being who posesses free will.

that is probably the worse advice i've ever heard.

those concepts may be true with your average slut ass whore, but i think if you're looking for someone worth while, you should always let your significant other know how you feel about them - because what type of relationship is that? a relationship without being to express your feelings is not a relationship, it's a fucking game... and it shouldn't be a game.

always be true to yourself and the others around you.

One of the secrets to finding peace of mind in life and happiness is learning not to be jealous and not to be controlling of those you love.

Trust me on this as I speak from personal experience.

Its not easy to do, but once you master it, you'll look back at the old you and think OMG no wonder she left me.

Jealousy is a most destructive trait. I've seen so many couples that could have had great long relationships fall apart because of it.

sucks, but you ruined a perfectly good relationship. Where the fuck do you get off asking her to delete her contacts list? Whether they are friends from the past or not means nothing. She is allowed to have any friend she wants. It's not up to you whatsoever.

"Pretty soon... I made sure she was in almost no contact with people from the past, since she said she had no reason to stay in touch with them"

Again, where do you get off making sure she has no contact with people from the past. Have you ever thought that that might be kind of controlling of you? Even if she says she has no reason to stay in touch with them doesn't mean you have to waltz in and make sure she doesn't. It's none of your fucking business. She's her own person.

I don't blame her for sending you that letter. You're lucky she hasn't dumped your ass and started fucking your best friend.

What about you? Have you deleted all contacts of everyone from the past? Fuck, she's only young and you treat it as if these are contacts from long long long time ago that are such a threat to you.

Just because she's your girlfriend doesn't mean she's your fucking 'pet'. She's her own person and you VIOLATED something sacred. Love. You obviously don't love "HER" or you wouldn't do shit like that. You just love having a girlfriend to control. maybe I'm wrong but that's what it sounds like.

I had a friend who's ex bf did the same damn thing you did and guess what? They aren't even on speaking terms anymore. It was a friggin mess. She couldn't even talk to female friends after awhile.

If you really do LOVE her and want this to last, start fucking groveling man, get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness, go see a frigging psychologist for counseling. This is not a good sign. Abusers start out this way. Nip this in the butt before it becomes a physical problem. but most importantly of all, encourage her to keep in touch with ALL her friends, past and present. You seriously cannot expect her to start "fresh" for you and dump all her old friends. She has rights as a human being too you know, you're not her fucking father.
Who's to say you won't start asking her to cut all contact from present and new friends to satisfy your need for complete control?
I'm saying this in experience, my GF used to do that shit and It almost drove me to leave her ass high and dry. She grew out of it and everything's as cool as can be. I did this to an ex before and looking back, I realized how fucking stupid it was of me. That's what it's like being 17 Back then and stupid. Mind you, neither of us went as far as you did. Just gave each other a hard time. Nobody including me ever asked anyone to delete contact lists over shit like that. But as an adult you have to know better than this. What you are doing is something that fucking 14-17 year olds do and it's very alarming if you are still acting this way after "growing up" It's not a good sign man, not a good sign at all. Seek counseling.

/end angry rant.

Yup, jealousy is definately destructive. How can you be happy if you are always jealous? Every day is a drama. It just doesn't work.

I'm glad I didn't have a buddy like you in my ear when I met my woman. One the of the best days of my life was when I told her I loved her, and meant it.

she's 21 - she's a kid
go out and enjoy life for at least 5 more years. get all that fucking, drinking, etc out of your system - as the old guys used to say, "Go sow your wild oats"

Want the easy way out? Ditch her. Love her and want to keep her? Stop bitching and fight for her! Anything else is not an option.

sounds like a lot of stress....what are the reasons for the 'only 5 good days in a month'?

unfortunatley I think it takes more than love to have a successful relationship, one of which is TRUST. Has she done anything to make you not trust her? Sounds like you have your own insecurities and you are taking them out on her without any reason. You may have to make some compromises until she is done with school, which you have been doing thus far, so just chill out. You cant make someone love you. And why would you want to anyway? Let her be with you and love you cause SHE wants to, not cause you have bullied her into it. As for the past, everyone has one. Dont try to make her forget hers, let her let it go on her own....she will.

Boy am I glad I'm not your g/f, you need to get a dog.


:upsidedow

I love this girl to death. :(

this is bad advice too, heh. 21 isn't a "kid". 21 is the age in which college is nearly over for most people and real life begins. and you shouldn't give up a person you love simply for the idea that you should go on a fucking / drinking spree as if you won't be able to do it later on in life.

that's exactly my point, you feel really good, and you should always be able to tell her that you love her, but after that, it's all over man, she realizes she has power over you and gradually it all goes to hell. I have felt what you said, as the happiest day of my life when i told a woman that i loved her and meant it, but after that it all goes downhill baby, in a relationship, one person is always at a lower level, taken advantage of, and when you acknowledge that you're under her control by saying that you love her and would do anything for her, it's over for you bro, believe me. btw are you still with that girl that you told you love, or did it all fall apart after for "different reasons"?

I think you are right... so other than begging for her forgiveness, and sucking up like no other (I have already broken down with emotion). Let her do anything she wants to do and don't ask her for details of her daily life.

She knows I'm weak.

What can I do to throw a curveball at her and make her realize I'm not as sad as this looks. I mean, I would LOVE for us to work and all... but the pressure from 360 degrees is fierce. I'm not trying to copout of anything either, because my love for her is still VERY strong, despite my patheticism.

How cliche "If its not one thing, its another".

well, once she leaves you, it will be a good lesson in life for you not to tell a girl how much you truly love her. I am telling you this because i was really in love with this girl recently, i told her that i love her and that she's everything to me, and gradually she started acting dumb and telling me how controling i am and whatever, when i would ask her what and where she's doing. FUck i don't see anything wrong with asking, and i don't see anything wrong with her answering unless there is something going on. why would you care if she asks you what you're doing? you wouldn't cause you love her, and you wouldn't do anything so you're willing to answer any question. meanwhile you tell her that you love her, she realizes that she can do anything cause you're hers and since she sees she doesn't have to maintain any pressure on herself to be nice to you cause she has nothing left to prove since you love her, she changes gradually and it all gets fucked up. you're in for a rough ride, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

i've been with my girl for 3 years now and we've told each other for nearly 2 years now that we love eachother... and it hasn't gone downhill at all.

so what's happening to me? am i the one exception?

your logic, whether or not it comes from personal experience (which i assume it has with a run of bad luck) is flawed.

anyone got the short version?

run of bad luck, is something that happens rarely, not on a consistent basis. people are different, but the sure bet is to be self-reliable and think about yourself. Plus you're maybe lucky and she loves you as much as you do her, so that's perfect, awesome good for you :thumbsup however, don't give the dude advice from a point of view where you're loved and you love her, cause that might not be the case, hence if he's to listen to you, he might end up getting burned, while if he listens to me, he'll feel bad, but he won't get burned by her, even better, she'll come back to him once she realizes how much she misses him, that's if she actually gave a damn about him, otherwise it's even better for him that he didn't suck up to some girl that didn't care about him. it's better when you love something to let it go, if it comes back it will always be yours if it doesn't it never was (cliche time)

i will try and spare too many more negatives.

- i've been controlling
- i've been mr. jealous

to put it simple, ive proven to be weak, insecure,
non confident, and put my gf on a fucking leash

my life feels like its empty and my gf is tired of
fighting and dealing with the control issues that
i have

some have suggested counseling, a self check,
change, and others have told me not to let a
person know you love them

im at a loss... i want to win her heart back

the treat her like you do. trust her and let he do what she wants. She's a human being, not your pet dog.

Unfortunately the relationship is probably beyond repair as is. She will NEVER forget what you did. Something like that will always be in the back of her mind and she will always be second guessing herself. Which will lead to her becomming bitter.

If you really want it to work, get both yoru asses into coupel counseling. It's about the only chance you have.

If you decide to cut your losses and call it quits don't you dare put ANY blame on her or her parent's. This all boils down to YOU.

in the email she wrote to me, she stated she would still like to work things out.

Pimp Dough - 6 months is the marker where the jealousy starts and one always feels the distancing. If to top it off her parents aren't very found of you, the doubt sets in her mind. When you love someone, you don't ask them to give up anything - reason being, they'll want something they didn't care for. She's already trying to break free from the control of her parents, she doesn't want it in a relationship. If her 'friends' were bad to her, let her decide/judge what to do with them, it's not up to you to tell her. Also, you don't want to be controlling or judging your significant other - eventually it becomes emotionally draining even to you. Step back and take a good look at the relationship - if her actions call for her not to be trusted, then I think you shouldn't be with her. If her actions are normal and it's you that has a problem, then I say work on your insecurities & issues. No healthy relationship can survive jealousy - I speak from experience.

what you can do is tell her that with the help of hindsight 20/20 you were able to see how your own insecurities have made you unrightfully controlling of her and that in the end, you realize that she is her own person and and will ultimately do what she wants to do. tell her that she can be friends with whoever she wants as long as it doesn't infringe on the security of the relationship (and i added that last part because it's also good to show that you DO care for the relationship).

no matter what, because you are human, there will always be a sense of insecurity when she's out with her friends, whether they be guys or not. this is natural human instinct because we are possessive creatures. but you have to decipher human instinct with the use of logic. logically, by restraining her from doing things she wants, will only hurt the relationship in the longrun - so use this understanding to govern your decisions with her, not that second nature gut instinct you feel. as a few others have mentioned, it takes practice, but as with anything in life where practice is involved, eventually you will master it and it won't be such a big problem.

it's about conditioning yourself to understand these things.

Her parents caused us additional stress (which started before this shit I pulled and it continues on today). I know I can only blame myself for anything that goes wrong.

I feel horrible, but despite the fact I did all of this... she said she wants to work things out.

She is coming over later today and we are supposed to be going on a walk. I guess that would be the perfect time to apologize and let her know I have learned a great lesson, whether or not we stay together is a test of true love.

Man, ic ant help but feel bad for you even thoug I ripped you a new asshole :(

Seriously, grovel, make up for it, show her you love and her and are willing to learn how to trust. Take both of you to couple counseling. it will be ahrd and lots of emotions will come out from it, but it can help if your eally want it to. It may be beyond repair already but at least this will be a fighting chance.

i read like 2 sentences and all i can say is you've reaffirmed why, if you can afford it, fucking hookers whenever you need sex is the WAY TO GO...

fuck the drama

Every relationship has an outside stress factor. Whether it be medling friends or contorlling parents or whatnot. You just have to learn to deal with it and not let it affect your everyday life. Sacrifice is a major part of any relationship. For my girl and I we have medling family members that always try to tell us what to dow hen raising our child. It's not easy, soemtimes I think I am going to freak out kick their asses but I just deal with it and go about my day.

One piece of advice, if she displays that she doesn't want to talk about it when you apologize then just say "that's ok hun, we can talk about this when your ready". Don't force her to have to accept your apology right the and there and don;t take it personally. She has to deal with this on her own time and terms. That's one of the biggest mistakles that I always do even to this day and it adds more stress to conflicts.

ive never smoked pot, but feel this may be a good time to try it... LOL

All kidding aside now, I would like for us to work through it. She seems interested in knowing whether or not I want to continue.

I think right now its a 50/50 for her... she's tired of dealing with the stuff I pull, and its either I stop for her now or we breakup now. Maybe either 1 would satisfy her.