GFY parenting 101 (revisited)
 

Your son is graduating. You want him to go to college. He wants to do something else that isn't in his best interests. What do you do?

Insist he goes to college even though he doesn't want to?

Or let him decide for himself and do what he wants.

Let him decide for himself.

I agree.

Even though what he wants to do is a bad decision?

Yes...bad decisions are a way of learning...even if the consequences are tough.

Yep. At that age, is he really going to listen to parents, or is he going to do what he wants anyway? Let him learn from his own mistakes.

Why is it such a bad decision? Wouldn't it be a worse decision if he went to college, got drunk and stoned all day and failed all his classes.. wasting your money... and making himself look bad for future schools.

Let him find himself first.. whats he wanna do? Does he have any interests.. maybe he needs to work first.. or just get some shit out of his system first... if that makes any sense.

If he dosent want to go it means you fucked uped as parents so let the little selfish prick fend for himself.

Buy him a pass to collegefuckfest, he will want to go after seeing those videos.

i don't envy ya. mine wants to go to college but she wants to go out of state. aaaack!

I was sort of hoping the favorite choice would be to push him to college. It's not that I don't want him to do what he wants.... I just don't want him to make dumb choices that could affect him for a long time and end up regretting them later on.

But I can see where you're coming from.... my parents tried to push me in certain directions (many moons ago) and I went the opposite out of sheer spite. I know now that they were bad decisions, but you couldn't have convinced me at the time.

fuck.

If you force him to go, he may goof off the whole time and not bother with classes.. waste a semester or a year of someone's money and be no better for it. But do sit down when him and discuss the cold hard facts. To live comfortably in the real world and be competitive in the job market and in life itself, something beyond a high school diploma is necessary. Whether it be voc school, a 2 year college or a 4 year college, or some other training.

I'm faced with an 18 (almost 19 year old) graduating in 3 weeks. He has no real clue what he wants to do. He has some ideas, but because of his ADHD diagnosis, the school system has pushed him through even though he can barely read at a 6th grade level. I've battled with the school districts for years and get "no one left behind" slapped in my face. More like an excuse to not work harder to find ways to teach him properly. I just recently came across a new school psychologist who feels that his poor reading, writing and spelling may be due to an occular muscle problem that has never been diagnosed. So in the next few months he has to have some testing done. If it is an occular problem, then I have the school district by the balls. They have a new language program going in at a brand new high school next year. This psych recommended I demand he be allowed in it even though he'll have a diploma. When I told my son, he whined, but he realizes that it's just one class at a school where no one knows him, so they'd have no clue about him.

Beyond that he's shown interest in going to a culinary school, selling jewelry, or working with kids (and NO he's not gay).

I'd send him to Master Taino for some discipline.


http://www.mastertaino.com/images/MTslaveken.jpg


http://www.mastertaino.com/join_the_family.htm

Would it be better for him to sit in classes all day he hates, failing everything because he doesn't want to be there, or would it be better for him to go do his own thing for a while til he realizes that real life is a bitch and school is not only easier but would help him in the long run?

Taking a couple of years off then going back with a renewed desire isn't a bad thing, especially if you really don't want to go right after you graduate high school.

Make a bet with him. Give him a year to find a job that could sustain him for his life with an income potential that he might see with a college degree. If he can, fine. If you're the one who would have paid for his college, you forfeit one year's college expense to him ... if he doesn't then he has to seriously look at more schooling of some sort.

damn.... that's rough PK. I hope it all works out for him. Culinary school would be good.

I guess I'm thinking, alot of kids are dumb when it comes to this shit. 18 - 19 year old kids aren't exactly the best decision makers in the world. I sure as hell wasn't. Is it really wrong (as the parent) to lay down the law, so to speak, and tell them what they need to do in order to not be a fuckup? Or is the risk of them turning on you (because of that) too much?

exactly

that sounds good, but I don't want it to end up seeming like I rubbed his nose in it or tried to make a fool out of him.... I'm not exactly the most tactful guy.... hehehe

If he trains at a culinary school he'll always be able to get work, also a good background for if he'd like to work his way around a continent some time in the future :)

The hard part is, I swear he changes his mind three times a week.... it's hard to keep up with what he thinks he wants to do.

Its not an either/or situation. You can do your lay down the law thing.. well sort of.. and tell him exactly what you think, and still let him make his own decision.

You said it yourself before....if you force them to go one way, they usually go the other just to spite you and to have a feeling of independence.

Don't push - and you probably don't have to worry - most kids find their way when they're ready.

true....

good advice. I'll take it. (and cross my fingers)

It's a tough call. Is he living at home, dependent on others? Does he have any concrete plans of his own or does he think the gravy train never stops?

Honestly, if he has a job now or is getting one, etc.... Give him a deadline... tell him by XX date he's living on his own under his own means or he does it your way.

I guess I was 'the good kid'.. I knew all my teen years that I was going to college and what I was going to do.. but then I was also a straight A student who never had to crack a book to study so more schooling didn't seem like a waste of time.

Some of my son's friends have told him that their parents are giving them until September and then booting them out the door. I couldn't ever do that to a kid as long as they were making an effort, working, paying me some rent, etc. More than 65% of my son's graduating class is going on to some sort of continued education. I wonder what the parents of the other 35% are doing about now.

Amp if your really serious make a deal with him 2 weeks of his life your way and then you will leave it up to him. Go out and rent a nice motel room give him plenty of cash to spend like a lot say 1k, Then after that week is up, rent a sleazy room on the wrong side of town and give him 100$ to spend for week. And make him stick it out change the locks on your house if you have to. This may cost you a bit and hopefully the lesson will be learnt. If he doesn?t learn from this maybe college isn?t the answer.

nah, he's really a very smart kid. He actually finished school way ahead of his class, but they won't officially "graduate" him until the rest of the class does. He's been done for a while now though, and basically just been waiting.
He's running his own shop.... has been for a while. He's got the brains to do anything he wants.... I just feel he's using it inappropriately. He's following a passion/interest/hobby instead of more lucrative avenues.

And I gotta respect that I guess.... I just don't want to see him struggle when he doesn't have to.

You said something that struck me here - "He's following a passion/interest/hobby instead of more lucrative avenues."

Never take away their dreams.

He sounds like he's got a head on his shoulders and smarts. Let him go for awhile.

exactly.... and that's why I'm sort of troubled by it all.... if he didn't have anything at all, and was just lost in a sea of confusion, I'd be hammering away the college angle.... but he does have something. It's just not the best of choices. But it is his. His interest, and something he wants to do.

I guess I should leave it to him. At least he's got SOME direction. That's more than I had at 18. :winkwink:

Talk to him... and shock him by listening. Nobody likes to be told what to do. If you share your experiences with him and tell him what your results were and ask him to decide, he may surprise you - and at least his heart will be in it.

Damn.... 1 down, 2 more kids to go. I may not survive it. :helpme

If he's doing something he loves and is making enough to get by on maybe the best thing is to give him more time, he could always go back to school in year or two but there's nothing better than making money at something you love!

If he has a plan and it's working for him, bite your lip and let him at it. He may decide in the future that he needs more education to be successful in what he's doing...or he may just cruise on through and be lucky at it.

very true.... and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. :thumbsup

haha.. be glad you don't have one that wants to "work with animals". His larger than normal bedroom is half-full of all sorts of creatures because I keep getting told not to stiffle him.

oh yeah.... I'm already there PK. My daughter is an animal nut. She's currently at 12 pets. (Down from 15 a few months ago.) Consisting of cats, dogs, birds, fish, turtles, frogs, hamsters, and more. She'd keep every critter she finds if she could. :winkwink:

PK: about selling jewelry.. im an apprentice to a master jeweler, learning the business and such (most likely going to G.I.A. this summer to pickup a diamond grading certificate) ... if you have any questions or concerns regarding your son and the jewelry business, feel free to drop me an email : aflex at comcast.net

hey amp,

about laying down the law and telling him to goto college.. i'd stay away from that, alot of people i goto school with are there just because their parents want them there.. they have no ambition to be taught in a system and it shows..

let him do what he feels is best, with no or less financial support.. eventually he'll see whats needed careerwise in the real world: solid skills / experience, ambition and street smarts, or degrees and certificates.. (in no particular order)

As a teen at first I wanted to be a vet...that was until I volunteered one summer at a local clinic. I came home every night broken-hearted.

We of course have the cats (all 7 of them) and my african grey and the new puppy. He started with a bearded dragon.. now he has that, 2 guinea pigs, a hamster, a rabbit, a veiled chameleon, a ball python, 4 fire-bellied toads, finches, a canary, and a 45 gallon freshwater tank. (I have the 140gal salt and the 8000gal koi pond)

I'm a favorite customer at a local upscaled jewelry store. My oldest has talked to the manager who hires about possibly working there. He has a winning attitude, loves to dress nice, etc. Of course he'd have to learn from the bottom up.

Let this be a lesson to you all: DO NOT BREED!

The most unhappy people I know are parents. Live life for yourself and live it well... only suckers have kids.