Funniest Thing You Ever Heard on a Porn Set, Or In Real Life

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

I thought that I had heard it all, until my last shoot, when I overheard two male porn stars talking about juggling their porn careers with raising a family, when one said, "I bust my nuts all day long to feed those kids, but do you think they appreciate it?"

There was a slight pause, and then everyone in the house started laughing so fucking hard that it took 15 minutes to get things settled down enough to start shooting again.

Anyone else have any good ones? If so, share them...

ADG

[woj]

that is pretty amusing indeed

[topsiteking]

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

that is pretty amusing indeed

I've been on the sets of other directors that were pretty buttoned down, but I prefer having a fun set to get the creative energy flowing - plus many of my scenes incorporate humor, so if people are already loosened up and predisposed to having a good time, it makes such scenes all the better...



ADG

[LeRoy]

That'll lighten up the mood for sure. Good one!

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

That'll lighten up the mood for sure. Good one!

All I am saying...

ADG

[Trend]

I was on set once when a model bent over... looked over her shoulder at a couple of other models and asked.... " Is there any poo on my T-bar "

[marcop]

I was shooting a girl from Alabama not too long ago, and she was intrigued that my assistant's nickname (he's a Jewish guy from NYC), is "El Negro". Finally, about an hour into the shoot she couldn't hold it in any longer and asked, "So why d'y'all call him "El Negro"? Is that 'cause he's your hahahahahaha? <--- GFY censored me... how funny.

You don't hear the n-word much here in Los Angeles... I guess it's much more likely to be Word of the Day in Alabama.

Later, she told us about the brother and sister who live down the road from her, who have 3 or 4 retarded kids, and how they're "gettin' checks" as they're on welfare.

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

I was on set once when a model bent over... looked over her shoulder at a couple of other models and asked.... " Is there any poo on my T-bar "

Taint that the truth...

I was shooting a girl from Alabama not too long ago, and she was intrigued that my assistant's nickname (he's a Jewish guy from NYC), is "El Negro". Finally, about an hour into the shoot she couldn't hold it in any longer and asked, "So why d'y'all call him "El Negro"? Is that 'cause he's your hahahahahaha? <--- GFY censored me... how funny.

You don't hear the n-word much here in Los Angeles... I guess it's much more likely to be Word of the Day in Alabama.

Later, she told us about the brother and sister who live down the road from her, who have 3 or 4 retarded kids, and how they're "gettin' checks" as they're on welfare.

ADG

[martinsc]

[iSpyCams]

I was shooting a girl from Alabama not too long ago, and she was intrigued that my assistant's nickname (he's a Jewish guy from NYC), is "El Negro". Finally, about an hour into the shoot she couldn't hold it in any longer and asked, "So why d'y'all call him "El Negro"? Is that 'cause he's your hahahahahaha? <--- GFY censored me... how funny.

Well, why is he called that?

[Paul Markham]

I'm was for ever saying "No your other left leg."

[John-ACWM]

LOL thanks for the laughs!

[_Richard_]

I thought that I had heard it all, until my last shoot, when I overheard two male porn stars talking about juggling their porn careers with raising a family, when one said, "I bust my nuts all day long to feed those kids, but do you think they appreciate it?"

There was a slight pause, and then everyone in the house started laughing so fucking hard that it took 15 minutes to get things settled down enough to start shooting again.

Anyone else have any good ones? If so, share them...

ADG

[Kenny B!]

While I had cam studios in our offices, this is going back 7 years or so, this one girl calls me into her little room and said she had an accident... I walk in and there she is naked with shit everywhere, on her, the bed, the walls, the computer, the whole place was shit sprayed and she's looking at me with this sad look saying she had an accident and asked what she should do.

I don't know if that qualifies as funny but it was memorable.

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

While I had cam studios in our offices, this is going back 7 years or so, this one girl calls me into her little room and said she had an accident... I walk in and there she is naked with shit everywhere, on her, the bed, the walls, the computer, the whole place was shit sprayed and she's looking at me with this sad look saying she had an accident and asked what she should do.

I don't know if that qualifies as funny but it was memorable.

That's some funked up shiat...

ADG

[Bryan G]

While I had cam studios in our offices, this is going back 7 years or so, this one girl calls me into her little room and said she had an accident... I walk in and there she is naked with shit everywhere, on her, the bed, the walls, the computer, the whole place was shit sprayed and she's looking at me with this sad look saying she had an accident and asked what she should do.

I don't know if that qualifies as funny but it was memorable.

WTF!

how the fuck did she get it on the walls and computer LOL

[TheAmericanCannibal]

I had a model in FLA tell me as we overlooked the Atlantic Ocean and people frollicking in the ocean, she gazes at me and says

"KB look at those fools swimming in that water....Don't they know it's "SHARK WEEK"?"

Of course it coincided with the Discovery Channel lol.

I also had Houston tell me one time

"I need to send out a Deceased and Assist Letter!!!"

[Ethersync]

While I had cam studios in our offices, this is going back 7 years or so, this one girl calls me into her little room and said she had an accident... I walk in and there she is naked with shit everywhere, on her, the bed, the walls, the computer, the whole place was shit sprayed and she's looking at me with this sad look saying she had an accident and asked what she should do.

I don't know if that qualifies as funny but it was memorable.

Sick, what did you do?

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

I had a model in FLA tell me as we overlooked the Atlantic Ocean and people frollicking in the ocean, she gazes at me and says

"KB look at those fools swimming in that water....Don't they know it's "SHARK WEEK"?"

Of course it coincided with the Discovery Channel lol.

I also had Houston tell me one time

"I need to send out a Deceased and Assist Letter!!!"

Where do you find these girls? I really want to meet them ('cuz they sound easy, and if they're hanging with you, that usually means they're good looking).

KB, let me know if you and your bro(ther) are coming to the EEB...

ADG

[Quentin]

Once upon a time, I ran a website for a pornographer whose first name was "David."

David was a bit old school, so much so that using email "wasn't his thing." His preferred method for receiving reports about the performance of his website was by fax. I thought it was a bit antiquated as a reporting channel, but I wanted to keep the guy happy. So, every Friday, I would dutifully fax him a report that included the previous week's traffic and sales figures, conversion ratio, retention rate, affiliate payouts, etc.

About 12 weeks into this process, I got a call from David, who was quite irate.

Here is the approximate text of that conversation.

David: Q, I'm really upset with you. You are supposed to be sending me a report every week about the website.

Me: Yes, and I have been. I send you a fax every Friday. You mean to tell me that you haven't received any of these faxes, and you're only now telling me this?

David: No, I have never received a fax from you! Every Friday I get one from someone named "David," but I've never gotten one from you.

Me: David... can you read me one of these faxes, please?

David: Sure, I've got one right here. It says his name, David, at the top, and then it says "here are the site's statistics for the last week" --

Me (interrupting): Ah -- see this is the problem: YOU'RE David. That is a fax addressed TO YOU. You might also notice that the information in it is exactly the same as the information I agreed to send you each week...? That's not a coincidence.


I've had conversations with a good number of fairly thick people in my life... but that one took the cake.

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

Once upon a time, I ran a website for a pornographer whose first name was "David."

David was a bit old school, so much so that using email "wasn't his thing." His preferred method for receiving reports about the performance of his website was by fax. I thought it was a bit antiquated as a reporting channel, but I wanted to keep the guy happy. So, every Friday, I would dutifully fax him a report that included the previous week's traffic and sales figures, conversion ratio, retention rate, affiliate payouts, etc.

About 12 weeks into this process, I got a call from David, who was quite irate.

Here is the approximate text of that conversation.

David: Q, I'm really upset with you. You are supposed to be sending me a report every week about the website.

Me: Yes, and I have been. I send you a fax every Friday. You mean to tell me that you haven't received any of these faxes, and you're only now telling me this?

David: No, I have never received a fax from you! Every Friday I get one from someone named "David," but I've never gotten one from you.

Me: David... can you read me one of these faxes, please?

David: Sure, I've got one right here. It says his name, David, at the top, and then it says "here are the site's statistics for the last week" --

Me (interrupting): Ah -- see this is the problem: YOU'RE David. That is a fax addressed TO YOU. You might also notice that the information in it is exactly the same as the information I agreed to send you each week...? That's not a coincidence.


I've had conversations with a good number of fairly thick people in my life... but that one took the cake.

What a luddite. I'm amazed that he could even work the shutter button...

ADG

[marlboroack]

Oh fuck & Oh shit always make me laugh.

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

Oh fuck & Oh shit always make me laugh.

ADG

[CurrentlySober]

Back about 7 years ago, when I used to type 'I like Poo' all day long, I remember the time that I logged into a camgirls room...

She asked me what I liked, and I replied, 'I like poo... & somersaults...' and the rest is history...

[newB]

Back about 7 years ago, when I used to type 'I like Poo' all day long, I remember the time that I logged into a camgirls room...

She asked me what I liked, and I replied, 'I like poo... & somersaults...' and the rest is history...

I had a favorite tie that had Siamese cats on it. A girl told me she liked my tie and I said "Thanks. My brother got it for me because I used to have a Siamese cat."

She got a concerned look on her face and said "Awwww. Were they connected at the head?"

I honestly have no idea how I responded, but I imagine it was "Are you fucking kidding me?"

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

Back about 7 years ago, when I used to type 'I like Poo' all day long, I remember the time that I logged into a camgirls room...

She asked me what I liked, and I replied, 'I like poo... & somersaults...' and the rest is history...

By any chance did she call her act "The Aristocrats"? Since we're on the subject, what do you think about poo now that you are no longer in the corner and currently sober?

I had a favorite tie that had Siamese cats on it. A girl told me she liked my tie and I said "Thanks. My brother got it for me because I used to have a Siamese cat."

She got a concerned look on her face and said "Awwww. Were they connected at the head?"

I honestly have no idea how I responded, but I imagine it was "Are you fucking kidding me?"

ADG

[topsiteking]

Once upon a time, I ran a website for a pornographer whose first name was "David."

David was a bit old school, so much so that using email "wasn't his thing." His preferred method for receiving reports about the performance of his website was by fax. I thought it was a bit antiquated as a reporting channel, but I wanted to keep the guy happy. So, every Friday, I would dutifully fax him a report that included the previous week's traffic and sales figures, conversion ratio, retention rate, affiliate payouts, etc.

About 12 weeks into this process, I got a call from David, who was quite irate.

Here is the approximate text of that conversation.

David: Q, I'm really upset with you. You are supposed to be sending me a report every week about the website.

Me: Yes, and I have been. I send you a fax every Friday. You mean to tell me that you haven't received any of these faxes, and you're only now telling me this?

David: No, I have never received a fax from you! Every Friday I get one from someone named "David," but I've never gotten one from you.

Me: David... can you read me one of these faxes, please?

David: Sure, I've got one right here. It says his name, David, at the top, and then it says "here are the site's statistics for the last week" --

Me (interrupting): Ah -- see this is the problem: YOU'RE David. That is a fax addressed TO YOU. You might also notice that the information in it is exactly the same as the information I agreed to send you each week...? That's not a coincidence.


I've had conversations with a good number of fairly thick people in my life... but that one took the cake.

My fucking god.
...........

[Jim_Gunn]

I wish I could remember all the funny shit I have ever heard or that has ever happened on a porn set. Sometimes I tell stories to my crew and models about what it was like shooting porn back in the 90's and I recall some of the funnier stuff.

[Vick!]

Oh thats cute.

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

I wish I could remember all the funny shit I have ever heard or that has ever happened on a porn set. Sometimes I tell stories to my crew and models about what it was like shooting porn back in the 90's and I recall some of the funnier stuff.

I hear that, although I have had a more or less regular shooting crew for several years, and they have all heard my stories like a thousand times already, so they just roll their eyes and endure it in order to collect their pay checks.

You've been around long enough that you must have worked with Nick "Dropping Big Loads" Manning:



I love the guy, but must he say that every fucking time he cums?!?

ADG

[CurrentlySober]

By any chance did she call her act "The Aristocrats"? Since we're on the subject, what do you think about poo now that you are no longer in the corner and currently sober?

ADG

Utterly truthful answer? I was never 'into' poo.
'I like poo' was a bastardisation of 'I like pie' (8 Letters...)

I was drinking a lot, and began by doing it to mark a post so I could find it again. Then I started doing it a lot. Then I did it in every thread I read, just for the fun of it...

Pointless, I agree... But it seemed logical and fun even though I couldn't even remember doing it most of the time...

But, I stopped drinking, became more aware of what I was doing, stopped posting it, and got a name change to remind me not to start up drinking again...

Naturally, I still reference it from time to time, as it was part of a good four year period of my time at GFY...

I'm not proud of myself but it is what it is...

[Kenny B!]

WTF!

how the fuck did she get it on the walls and computer LOL

I asked her the same question, she was bent over doggy with her ass facing the cam and monitor, and had this big double ended dildo up her bum. When she yanked it out, the flood gates opened and she sprayed all over. Yet she's sitting calmly but obviously embarrassed and the first thing out of her mouth was... Ooops I had an accident.

Then the room got it's version of a hooker bath, cleaned with baby wipes and windex

[Ethersync]

I asked her the same question, she was bent over doggy with her ass facing the cam and monitor, and had this big double ended dildo up her bum. When she yanked it out, the flood gates opened and she sprayed all over. Yet she's sitting calmly but obviously embarrassed and the first thing out of her mouth was... Ooops I had an accident.

Then the room got it's version of a hooker bath, cleaned with baby wipes and windex

I would have loved to have seen the member's reaction

[Kelli58]

I hear that, although I have had a more or less regular shooting crew for several years, and they have all heard my stories like a thousand times already, so they just roll their eyes and endure it in order to collect their pay checks.

You've been around long enough that you must have worked with Nick "Dropping Big Loads" Manning:



I love the guy, but must he say that every fucking time he cums?!?

ADG

Ya for some reason he thinks it is funny or some how catchy. I just wonder what kind of dumb ass director encouraged it and now we are all stuck with it forever. I would never in a zillion years book Nick Manning just for the very reason that I might have to smack him if he said that in my movie. LOL

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

Utterly truthful answer? I was never 'into' poo.
'I like poo' was a bastardisation of 'I like pie' (8 Letters...)

I was drinking a lot, and began by doing it to mark a post so I could find it again. Then I started doing it a lot. Then I did it in every thread I read, just for the fun of it...

Pointless, I agree... But it seemed logical and fun even though I couldn't even remember doing it most of the time...

But, I stopped drinking, became more aware of what I was doing, stopped posting it, and got a name change to remind me not to start up drinking again...

Naturally, I still reference it from time to time, as it was part of a good four year period of my time at GFY...

I'm not proud of myself but it is what it is...

I always got a kick out of that expression...it kinda remembered me of this kid:



Anyway, good luck with the sobriety.

This tagline is not quite as catchy, but you could start saying, "I like liver" (meaning your own liver).

That reminds me, sometimes when I get calls from performers with caller ID, or talent knocks on the door, I will answer in a perved-out gravelly voice, "I'm not wearing any clothes!" It cracks people up every time...well, not every time.

I asked her the same question, she was bent over doggy with her ass facing the cam and monitor, and had this big double ended dildo up her bum. When she yanked it out, the flood gates opened and she sprayed all over. Yet she's sitting calmly but obviously embarrassed and the first thing out of her mouth was... Ooops I had an accident.

Then the room got it's version of a hooker bath, cleaned with baby wipes and windex

Eww...that reminds me of one time on set, this well-known porn trollop shows up for her scene without telling anyone that she was on her period. Apparently, she figured a make-up sponge shoved up her pussy tight would do the trick and soak everything up.

We're well into her scene, and in my little 3" monitor, I suddenly notice a tiny speck of red, so I cut the scene and call over a PA with a brand new container of baby wipes, and he hands her one to clean up.

At that point she confesses that she just started her period. I had never been confronted with that situation before, so I asked both performers what they wanted to do, and both said they wanted to continue. So, I stationed my PA nearby with the container of baby wipes, and whenever anyone noticed any blood, he would toss over a handi-wipe, the girl would use it to clean up, and then toss it over the side of the bed.

It turned out to be a fantastic frenetic scene, and when the money shot was done, I finally could look away from the small monitor on my video camera, and I swear the floor looked like a damned MASH triage center, covered in bloody baby wipes. The container was nearly empty.

It was at times such as this that I was glad to have a PA on set to clean up the mess.

After that, I vowed to never shoot another scene when a girl was menstruating.

My poor PA, he looked so dejected as he sullenly took care of the mess, picking up one handi-wipe at a time and disposing of it. I joked with him that it could be worse, he could be mopping floors at a Peep Show theater...he didn't thank me for that.



This story had a happy ending a few weeks later. when I was back in LA shooting the same girl, and had the same PA on set with me. Since the airlines wouldn't permit me to bring lube on my flight to LA, I asked the female performer what brand of lube she wanted, and then sent my PA out to pick some up for her.

Apparently it was a brand of lube that he was unfamiliar with, so he inadvertently picked up a bottle of warming lube. Anyway, we start the scene as soon as my PA gets back, and the performers do some extended wild and messy oral foreplay, and then they're finally ready to fuck, so the girl pours a small handful of lube into her hand and rubs it in and around her muff, and they start doing the dirty deed.

We are a few minutes into the first position, reverse cowgirl, and the dude is pumping away furiously like a piston in overdrive, undoubtedly creating lots of friction, when the girl suddenly gets a look of horror on her face, and yells "ouch, ouch, ouch", hops off the dude's dick, and makes a mad dash to the bathroom.

She comes back all pissed off and asks the PA what the fuck kind of lube did he buy.

He hands her the bottle and she throws it at him, screaming "you asshole, that's warming lube, my fucking pussy felt like it was on fire."

We took a break so that the PA could go pick-up some regular lube, and the girl could cool down her temper and vajayjay, and then we resumed the scene, completing it without further incident.

We all had a nice dinner together afterwards, and everyone hugged and made-up.

As my trusty PA and I were flying back to the Bay Area from LA, he confided that although picking up the warming lube was not a deliberate act of retaliation, he felt it was good payback for having to clean up after the girl the previous time.

We still chuckle about that one from time to time...

The obvious moral of this story is that there is no moral to this story.

ADG

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

I asked her the same question, she was bent over doggy with her ass facing the cam and monitor, and had this big double ended dildo up her bum. When she yanked it out, the flood gates opened and she sprayed all over. Yet she's sitting calmly but obviously embarrassed and the first thing out of her mouth was... Ooops I had an accident.

I would have loved to have seen the member's reaction

I'm guessing it was something akin to watching 2 girls 1 cup for the first time:



Either that or he's stalking her now trying to get another accidental performance...

ADG

[Kevin Marx]

Recent shoot. Well known girl that has been a Twisty's Treat. Was shooting her and got to the point of having her do spreads, then finger in pussy. She looks hesitant. I ask her if anything is wrong.. "Ewwww... It's Squishy in there. I don't like it"

I thought. You have got to be kidding me.

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

Recent shoot. Well known girl that has been a Twisty's Treat. Was shooting her and got to the point of having her do spreads, then finger in pussy. She looks hesitant. I ask her if anything is wrong.. "Ewwww... It's Squishy in there. I don't like it"

I thought. You have got to be kidding me.

Solo girls hiding the string is one thing, but hardcore girls on the rag is just plain wrong...oh, the horror, oh, the stench.

Ask Lady KaKa (aka Lady Gag-G-a-a):



ADG

[Kenny B!]

t every As my trusty PA and I were flying back to the Bay Area from LA, he confided that although picking up the warming lube was not a deliberate act of retaliation, he felt it was good payback for having to clean up after the girl the previous time.

Never mess with the lube man! Great story!

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

Never mess with the lube man! Great story!

True dat!



ADG

[nikki99]

I thought that I had heard it all, until my last shoot, when I overheard two male porn stars talking about juggling their porn careers with raising a family, when one said, "I bust my nuts all day long to feed those kids, but do you think they appreciate it?"

There was a slight pause, and then everyone in the house started laughing so fucking hard that it took 15 minutes to get things settled down enough to start shooting again.

Anyone else have any good ones? If so, share them...

ADG