Top 10 Things I Hate About Porn

[Barefootsies]

Porn: To Watch or Not to Watch

These are the top 10 things I hate about porn. Not that I personally watch it but these are things I've heard from a friend of a friend. Honestly, I'm a sweet, innocent guy who wouldn't dream of defiling my innocence with such filth.

Lock the door, sit back, get comfortable with a towel near by or box of tissues, put on some awful disco music (ba baaa ba baa ba), On with the show! CLICK! These are not necessarily in order of priority because my friend of a friend, let's call him Edgar, just said it all in a
frenzy.

1. They're real and they're spectacular...Not!

Why do most female porn stars have 44EE breasts, yet have like a size 5 waist? They look like mock caricatures of real women like those you'd see in a comic book, such as Wonder Women or Hooter Girl. I mean who is really born with beach balls on their chests? Imagine the back pain! Two fifty pound buoys pulling them forward. Oh, the gravity of it all! Poor Newton! Just get removable rubber balls and fill them with Jell-O. Keep it real! I we want to see duo-Hindenburgs, I'll watch the Death Star in Star Wars or the planets in a planetarium.

2. Fake "Pleasure"

Why do female porn stars all start moaning as soon as, or sometimes before, the man actually begins the deed? First, she's just sitting there without an expression on her face and then, in the spark of an instant, she's screaming, moaning, thrashing around like a Glow-worm on speed. Good lord, if all omen did this, who would need porn? Nerds would become Casanovian gods!

3. CAN'T HEAR IT!!!

Why do male and female porn stars yell so loud throughout the whole damn video? If it were real, the neighbors would call the cops in seconds, thinking someone was getting murder or epileptic. If I were the guy and the girl yelled like that in my ear, I'd be like "OH SHUT UP, AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL I PUT THE COTTON BALLS IN MY EARS WOMAN!!" If I want my ear drums broken, I'd sit next to the speakers at a heavy metal concert.

4. Mozart's Music

What is up with the awful music? It's usually dumb disco music. If that's the best soundtrack you can get, DON'T USE IT! Silent's better than that awful cacophony! If I want disco, I'll watch John Travolta's discoriffic 70s movies!

5. Shakespearean Stories

There is never a story! Girl orders pizza, pizza dude knocks on the door, she greets him inside, "oh wait, I left my money in the bedroom!" he sits, and she returns in a negligee. *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!

Then there's the girl lying in a bikini on a beach chair, guy enters, "hey can you put lotion on my back". *cue the Travolta music* And the deed
begins!

Going the opposite direction, we see a guy answering the door to see who's there at 9PM, he finds a Girl Scout who looks 25 and like she just stood on the corner of 7th & 8th street in the red light district, selling cookies. The guy asks "Are they made from real Girl Scouts?" "Why yes, Sir, with extra sugar!" Guy says wait there and he'll get his money, he returns to a half naked woman. *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!

And finally, a guy goes over to his friend's house, his friend's not there but his "mother", who looks the same age as the guy, is there. "Oh, sorry Billy, Bobby's not home. But you can stay here for a soda" "Oh sure thing Mrs. Robinson!" *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!

6. Very Realistic

This is related to No Story and Fake Pleasure but the whole atmosphere is unrealistic. Even the sets are so fake that you can wave your and through the wisps of smoke. You usually have one of two settings. A plain set with a white wall and bed. Dammit, you're blinding me!! The light people! Or a $10 million beach house on an isolated island with palm trees and waterfalls BORING!

For once, why can't porn be set in a realistic location. Places like Victoria's secret, a gas station, 7-11, Duncan Donuts or beside a Willie Dog cart?

7. Ingenious Titles

Porn videos have such ingenious titles. "Debbie Does Dallas." Such a riveting and lovely title! "One Night in Paris." Did Paris think of that herself? "Intercourse with a Vampire." Interview...Intercourse, get it? Ingenious!! I'd of been up all week thinking up that Einstein-caliber wit! "Pinocchio." If I need to explain that one, ya got more problems than porn!

8. Oscar Award-winning Acting

Man are porn stars ever great actors! I mean, damn, do you know how much talent it takes to get those "ooohs", "ahhhs", "mores", "who's your daddys" take mucho talent. Shakespeare would be proud! Plus all of those facial expressions that go the gauntlet from smiling like idiots, grimacing
like constipated, opening her mouth in an "o" and other difficult facial expressions.

9. Great Camerawork

Wow, porn has such great camerawork! Everything looks more real than real. The way the shots go from side to side to catch different angles of the deed. And just when we find a great shot for us viewers to do our one-sided deed, the view changes!! NOOOO!! HOW DARE YOU!! Now we have to rebuild our excitement! We don't want to see the guy's big ol' butt, well, the ladies might.

Then there is the fade to another scene. One second they're doing the deed one way then POOF! they're doing the deed another! It's disconcerting and disorienting!! Add to that, sometimes they're doing the deed without protection then POOF! he's wearing a Trojan! Holy Condom, Batman! A magic condom! "Never fear, Robin, I keep a six pack of them in my utility belt" "Golly, gee, Batman, is there KY in there too? *wink*"

10. The Beautiful People

Why do most female porn stars look so good? Albeit, some look like plastic mannequins. But most of the male porn stars are scary looking, like seamen or truck driver pretty. Look at Ron Jeremy. Please, at least blur his face out! It's not that I care what the guy looks like but I want to see hers not his and if she's a rose, and he's a warty toad, it totally ruins the mood. Not to mention that it makes one have false hopes of us "regular" guys picking up hot models. Horrible!! It's just mean! Meanies!!

Well, that's the top 10 from my friend of a friend. He says to tell you all that porn is okay, especially if you watch it like the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys do: with friends, popcorn and just have fun with it - the movie that is. Keep it real!

http://www.associatedcontent.com/art...orn.html?cat=7

[fatfoo]

On the topic of fake boobs, I would have to say I don't hate them.

[harvey]

Originally Posted by Barefootsies

http://www.associatedcontent.com/art...orn.html?cat=7

[kristin]

#11 Clear heels

[Overload]

ten times amen and agreed :P

#11: the guy unplugs his dick from whatever orifice he has just been working on and then stands there stroking while she kneels and makes dumbass faces of anticipation for more than two mins before a drop of man juice is spilled ... if i wanna see a guy wank, I WATCH MYSELF IN THE MIRROR!

[Kelli58]

So one of the reasons why you hate porn is because all the girls are so pretty and they have big boobs?

Okay then.

[Robbie]

Damn, that's like the top ten list of reasons why I LOVE porn! lol

[Barefootsies]

Originally Posted by Robbie

Damn, that's like the top ten list of reasons why I LOVE porn! lol

[Veljko]

There is never a story! Girl orders pizza, pizza dude knocks on the door, she greets him inside, "oh wait, I left my money in the bedroom!" he sits, and she returns in a negligee. *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!

IF you want a storry go to the opera )))))

[96ukssob]

if it was more realistic, no one would want to have sex with their average looking slightly overweight wife/husband in teh back of a rented Uhaul truck.

Originally Posted by kristin

#11 Clear heels

fuck no! they should be worn more often, like to work, school and sporting events!

i hate when girls say they don't wear lingerie, or its only for "porn movies"... actually, makes it easy to spot the "vanilla" and boring girls

[harvey]

I just watched like half an hour of the movie Deep in the Valley and it was like this thread, lol

[BillyHoe]

Originally Posted by Overload

ten times amen and agreed :P

#11: the guy unplugs his dick from whatever orifice he has just been working on and then stands there stroking while she kneels and makes dumbass faces of anticipation for more than two mins before a drop of man juice is spilled ... if i wanna see a guy wank, I WATCH MYSELF IN THE MIRROR!

lol nice one

[kane]

Originally Posted by Overload

ten times amen and agreed :P

#11: the guy unplugs his dick from whatever orifice he has just been working on and then stands there stroking while she kneels and makes dumbass faces of anticipation for more than two mins before a drop of man juice is spilled ... if i wanna see a guy wank, I WATCH MYSELF IN THE MIRROR!

I bought a bunch of content once and one of the movies had a scene that ended like this. The sex was actually pretty hot and the girl was really sexy. So she gets on her knees and the guy is standing over her and beating his cock like it owes him money. At first she pretends to be interested in it and is talking dirty and licking her lips. About minute three she starts trading jokes with the cameraman and talking to someone else who is off camera. The guy is still there beating it. About minute five she starts telling the cameraman how she likes to use a strapon on guys and they start going into gruesome detail. Finally, about about eight minutes and an entire array of crazy topics discussed by the girl and the crew later the guy finally cums. She instantly pops back into character, takes the facial, then gets up, grabs and towel and picks right back up on the conversation she was having. It was funny as hell.

[bronco67]

Whoever made that list hasn't seen a porn movie since 1975. Seriously, who made this list? Greg Brady?

[JD]

Originally Posted by harvey

lmao... reminds me of the old WeConvert sig I made years ago...

[bronco67]

Can anyone say they like seeing a dude jerk off at the end of a scene? If there's going to be a facial, it should always end with the girl doing the work. I definitely don't want to see some guy jacking his limp dick for 10 minutes.

[CYF]

Originally Posted by kane

I bought a bunch of content once and one of the movies had a scene that ended like this. The sex was actually pretty hot and the girl was really sexy. So she gets on her knees and the guy is standing over her and beating his cock like it owes him money. At first she pretends to be interested in it and is talking dirty and licking her lips. About minute three she starts trading jokes with the cameraman and talking to someone else who is off camera. The guy is still there beating it. About minute five she starts telling the cameraman how she likes to use a strapon on guys and they start going into gruesome detail. Finally, about about eight minutes and an entire array of crazy topics discussed by the girl and the crew later the guy finally cums. She instantly pops back into character, takes the facial, then gets up, grabs and towel and picks right back up on the conversation she was having. It was funny as hell.

who said porn stars were bad actors?

[Jimmy Lifestyles]

Originally Posted by bronco67

Whoever made that list hasn't seen a porn movie since 1975. Seriously, who made this list? Greg Brady?

Thats what i was thinking! Like this is this dudes stand-up routine from 1981 that he pulled out and dusted off and said, "i want people to think i am funny so i am gonna post it and watch the comments roll in saying how brilliant i am for coming up with really witty stuff". Meanwhile, in reality, the observations are stale, overused and weak.

[yuu.design]

hehehe, funny post!

[tranza]

Lol, that was a funny read!

[CaptainHowdy]

For ugly intercourse I already have my sex life... long live porn!

[J. Falcon]

I must say I agree with all points.

[Sabby]

lol my wm board personality is about halfway between my camgirl and my real personality.

You want a real woman? I send my mama over to hit you over the head with her fry pan!!


Sabby

[xNetworx]

Originally Posted by JD

lmao... reminds me of the old WeConvert sig I made years ago...

HAHA! Holy Shit. I forgot about that!

[CarlosTheGaucho]

I'd have to say jerking off is what ruins most of the porn for me.

[Riffhard]

Originally Posted by bronco67

Can anyone say they like seeing a dude jerk off at the end of a scene? If there's going to be a facial, it should always end with the girl doing the work. I definitely don't want to see some guy jacking his limp dick for 10 minutes.

The only thing that bothers me is when they cut to the dude's face right before the cumshot.