Post your best jokes

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

why, ???

LOL, funny jokes up there.

A California Highway Patrol officer was sitting in his police car across the street from a bar at 1:30 in the morning when he saw a man come stumbling out the door. The man, obviously inebriated, began walking across the parking lot. On the way to his car he dropped his keys and had a hard time finding them. Finally, after finding them, he made it to his car, but then it took him a couple of minutes to unlock the door. Once he got into the car he passed out. The cop was still watching him as the bar closed and the rest of the patrons left.

A few minutes after the parking lot emptied the man came to, started up his car and began to drive away. The Highway Patrol officer pulled him over and arrested him for drunk driving.

After they get down to the police station the cop give the guy a blood alcohol test and the results come up 0.0%. So the cop asks the guy, "How is this possible" to which the guy replies - "Tonight, I was the Designated Decoy!"

Ha ha! That one is FUNNY!

Goooooooooood one!

Good thread! I needed a few minutes to laugh my ass off!

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you give me a free beer?" The bartender looks at him and says "Sure, but it better be good. I've seen a lot of amazing things."

Upon hearing this the man opens up his coat and takes out a bag and out of the bag he pulls a small piano, a small stool and a Hamster. He sets them on the bar and the Hamster pulls the stool up to the piano and begins to play.

The bartender says to the man "Hey, that is kind of amazing, but it's not the most amazing thing I've ever seen." The man tells the bartender to hold on a second and reaches once again into the bag. This time he pulls out a Bullfrog. He sets it down next to the piano and the Bullfrog begins to sing "Old Man River" accompanied by the Hamster.

A customer sitting at the end of the bar says to the man "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!" He then offers to buy the Bullfrog from the man. The man sells the Bullfrog to the customer for $100 and the customer takes the Bullfrog and leaves.

Seeing this the bartender says to the man "What the hell are you doing, you just sold a gold mine?!?!" To which the man responds - "Don't worry about it, the Hamster . . . . . He's a ventriloquist!"

To do double shots with him mates on the other side

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman says to him, 'Hey, we've got a drink here named after you!'
and the grasshopper says, 'What? Neville!'

This guy named Jeff walked outside one hot August night to throw away a pizza box. There was raccoon by the dumpster, and he said to Jeff " Hey Jeff, don't throw away that pizza box."

"why not?" Jeff asked the raccoon.

"For each piece of crust you have, I'll grant you a wish." said the raccoon. Jeff peeked inside the box and saw that there were three pieces of crust.

Jeff contemplated what the raccoon said for a moment. My wife is sick with Leukemia, he thought. I'm also late with my car payment and I'm bald. I can ask the raccoon to cure my wife's illness, so we can live the rest of our lives together. Then after that, I'll ask for 250 dollars so I can make my car payment. Then I'll wish for my hair back, so my wife will want to have sex with me after she gets out of the hospital. Jeff said "Okay, Mr Raccoon. I know what I want ---"

just then, the raccoon leaped onto Jeff's face and clawed him mercilessly until his eyeballs became a pulpy jelly. Then he furiously raped Jeff's mouth and shot his raccoon load down his throat, almost choking him to death.

Then he took the pizza crust and ran.

3 months later, a sightless, disfigured Jeff gave birth to a litter of half raccoon butt babies.

two kids, boy and girl are playing at the sands, and the boy put by mistake hand betweek girls legs, and "ooops, you are also a boy?" and she said "no, i just made a poo"

Jon Clark

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says

Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,

My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit ?

She said

No, I don't think you understand - my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales...