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AssPirate

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#1

Who's Your President?

04-20-2009, 06:34 AM

This is an article about noteworthy Hollywood US Presidents that I wrote (and was published) last year for a popular men's magazine. This was during the time when everyone was sick of the Presidential list. See if you agree.

Who's Your President?

The US presidential election is just around the corner and what better way to celebrate this farce than showcase the best performing presidents that never existed. But only in celluloid. Hollywood surely gave us a memorable slate of fictional Head of States. And we're counting them down here!

President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
alter ego: Terry Crews (he's the dad in Everybody Hates Chris)
incumbency: the year 2505 in the cult classic "Idiocracy"
accomplishment: President Camacho is a retarded black himbo who sees value in hiring a time-travelling Owen Wilson as Secretary of the Interior. He got him to correct the food and crop shortages, dust bowl, crippled economy, and mountains of garbage. Director Mike Judge uses him as lampoons of contemporary politicians who revels in nepotism, corporate loyalty, and overemphasis on sex appeal in political media coverage.
Dubyah rating: Dubyah would most likely love him because President Camacho is a true conservative! 5 out of 5 (George Bush heads)
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#2

04-20-2009, 06:35 AM

President Thomas J. Whitmore
alter ego: Bill Pullman
incumbency: 2001 in "Independence Day"
accomplishment: The type of president you'd want to be in war with. He rallies the troops and kicked alien butt with Will Smith. This guy had cojones!
Dubyah rating: Dubyah loves a good old-fashioned warmonger! 5 out 5 stars
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#3

04-20-2009, 06:36 AM

President James Dale
alter ego: Jack Nicholson
incumbency: 1996 in the over-the-top movie "Mars Attacks!"
accomplishment: Self-absorbed and a bit whacko, President Dale failed to rally the American people the same way Presidents Roslin and Whitmore did. But the guy who played Joker had a great time being bonkers here. But his first lady is Our First Lady of Bonkers Glenn Close. And their daughter is then jailbait hottie Natalie Portman. And what's cool, he's the only movie president who actually died in the end.
Dubyah rating: Dubyah has a hard-on for fellow presidents from the Cowboy State! But he ain't gay, y'hear? 5 out of 5
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#4

04-20-2009, 06:40 AM

President James Marshall
alter ego: Harrison Ford
incumbency: 1997 in "Air Force One"
accomplishment: He's a tough-talking aging family man who pulls a "Die Hard" and single-handedly kicks the butt of Tim Roth and his band of Russian ex-soldiers. These ne'er do wells didn't know what hit them!
Dubyah rating: Dubyah loves a President who knows how to sick terrorists with weapons of mass destruction! 4 out of 5 stars
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escorpio

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#5

04-20-2009, 06:41 AM

Harrison Ford in "Air Force One" is the most bad ass president in the history of cinema.

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#6

04-20-2009, 06:44 AM

President Andrew Shepherd
alter ego: Michael Douglas
incumbency: 1995 in the movie "The American President
accomplishment: A bachelor president who falls in love with a beautiful lobbyist played by Anette Bening. Great, a president who's a hit with the ladies.
Dubyah rating: Dubyah likes to get charmed off of his feet with President Shepherd. 4 out of 5
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mineistaken

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#7

04-20-2009, 06:45 AM

Originally posted by escorpio

Harrison Ford in "Air Force One" is the most bad ass president in the history of cinema.

yeah he was one bad ass
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#8

04-20-2009, 06:48 AM

President Josiah Jed Bartlet
alter ego: Martin Sheen
incumbency: 1999 to 2006 in the halls of tv show "West Wing"
accomplishment: He was supposed to be the token JFK figure in the show. He had great speeches. He had great drama. But otherwise, boooring!
Dubyah rating: Dubyah would want to emulate someone like him, but he'd have a headache with all that intelligent talk. 3 out of 5

(It is obvious here that I didn't follow The West Wing.)
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#9

04-20-2009, 06:50 AM

President Tom Beck
alter ego: Morgan Freeman
incumbency: 1998 in President Tom Beck
accomplishment: President Beck's role was to calm the nation as a wayward comet threatens to annihilate the planet. But unlike President Whitmore, he didnt save the world. Pussy...
Dubyah rating: Dubyah don't like black folks. 2 out of 5
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#10

04-20-2009, 06:53 AM

President Mackenzie Allen
alter ego: Geena Davis
incumbency: 2005 to 2006 in tv show "Commander In Chief"
accomplishment: This thinly veiled tv drama of woman power shows how a woman proves herself in a man's world. Only this time she's filling in the shoes of a President. She has to approve new trade agreements before she cooks dinner for her twins and other daughter. Ho-hum...
Dubyah rating: Dubyah don't trust Palin either. Female Republicans? Never! 1 out of 5
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#11

04-20-2009, 06:57 AM

President Laura Roslin
alter ego: an emotive yet thoughtful Mary McDonnell
incumbency: 2003-2009 in the hit tv show "Battlestar Galactica"
accomplishment: she's a hard-hitting president, who despite battling her personal demons and breast cancer, fights to keep the remaining human race from snuffing out against the bloodthirsty robotic race of Cylons; with the help of token love interest Commander Adama (Edward James Olmos) and the last surviving military fleet, she shepherds the remaining castaways into their new home: Earth.
Dubyah rating: Dubyah hates women of a certain age getting into office. 0.05 out of 5
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Hood Box Office

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#12

04-20-2009, 06:58 AM

Originally posted by AssPirate

President James Marshall
alter ego: Harrison Ford
incumbency: 1997 in "Air Force One"
accomplishment: He's a tough-talking aging family man who pulls a "Die Hard" and single-handedly kicks the butt of Tim Roth and his band of Russian ex-soldiers. These ne'er do wells didn't know what hit them!
Dubyah rating: Dubyah loves a President who knows how to sick terrorists with weapons of mass destruction! 4 out of 5 stars

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#13

04-20-2009, 06:58 AM

BTW, not Tim Roth but Gary Oldman who appeared as the baddie in AirForceOne
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#14

04-20-2009, 07:00 AM

President David Palmer
alter ego: Dennis Haysbert
incumbency: from senator in 2001 to president in 2002 till 2006
accomplishment: He probably is one of the most inspired and influential black presidents in fiction. He grapples with modern-day threats such as terrorism, bomb scares and a social-climbing wife. He is one rare character: a president with a strong moral backbone. He also has a real fanbase. The only thing was he was assassinated in Season 5. People say he's the template for Barack Obama.
Dubyah rating: (See President Tom Beck) 0.00006 out of 5
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#15

04-20-2009, 07:18 AM

bumping for presidents!
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