very very funny - GoFuckYourself.com

Grapesoda · 03-05-2009, 08:43 PM

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The auto psy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

Grapesoda · 03-05-2009, 08:46 PM

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...But I was wrong!"

Spunky · 03-05-2009, 08:47 PM

Har har,some of those were pretty good

jakethedog · 03-05-2009, 09:39 PM

I lol'd a few times

bronco67 · 03-05-2009, 09:55 PM

That last one is great.

Danny B · 03-05-2009, 10:15 PM

Thanks for the laughs. Some gems in there

GirlBri · 03-05-2009, 10:29 PM

Damn. Some of them so stupid it makes you wonder just how real they are. great stuff though.

silvija · 03-06-2009, 02:22 AM

The jokes are really excellent

ExLust · 03-06-2009, 04:27 AM

Hahahaha.. hilarious!!

Chit Chat · 03-06-2009, 04:57 AM

Thanks for the laughs!

tranza · 03-06-2009, 06:55 AM

Those ones were fucking great...

blowme_DL · 03-06-2009, 07:01 AM

nice jokes hahahh

LiveDose · 03-06-2009, 07:22 AM

Amusing,,,

Si · 03-06-2009, 07:28 AM

Most of them made me LOL.

Some are a bit too silly though

Kron · 03-06-2009, 09:12 AM

damn, funny stuff

Grapesoda · 03-06-2009, 09:19 AM

the very best thing about GFY is the funny crap... who needs bad news and drama? not me, but I always can use a good laugh

DrChango · 03-06-2009, 09:31 AM

I had to forward this thread to the head of our legal department!

John-ACWM · 03-06-2009, 12:15 PM

Gucci sweats and Reeboks

Scott McD · 03-06-2009, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bm bradley

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

Hahaha!!

03-05-2009, 08:43 PM	#1
Grapesoda So Fucking Banned Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Montana Posts: 46,238	very very funny These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ____________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. __________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The auto psy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

03-05-2009, 08:47 PM	#3
Spunky I need a beer Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: ♠ Toiletville ♠ Posts: 133,940	Har har,some of those were pretty good __________________ *YOUR INFORMATION HERE*

03-05-2009, 09:39 PM	#4
jakethedog Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Vancouver B.C. Posts: 2,497	I lol'd a few times __________________ No sig .. just me

03-05-2009, 09:55 PM	#5
bronco67 Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 29,032	That last one is great. __________________

03-05-2009, 10:15 PM	#6
Danny B Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,423	Thanks for the laughs. Some gems in there __________________ Danny B ICQ: 407485488 SKYPE: DAN-DEVELOPMENT

03-05-2009, 08:46 PM	#2
Grapesoda So Fucking Banned Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Montana Posts: 46,238	Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong." Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong." So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...But I was wrong!"

03-05-2009, 10:29 PM	#7
GirlBri Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: ICQ 424355353 Posts: 214	Damn. Some of them so stupid it makes you wonder just how real they are. great stuff though. __________________ I carry a 1:88 Conversion Ratio On Blog Traffic Get Payed By EPASS

03-06-2009, 02:22 AM	#8
silvija Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 5,639	The jokes are really excellent

03-06-2009, 04:27 AM	#9
ExLust Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,223	Hahahaha.. hilarious!! __________________ BE A PARTNER

03-06-2009, 04:57 AM	#10
Chit Chat Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Here and there Posts: 747	Thanks for the laughs! __________________ ICQ: 403163346

03-06-2009, 06:55 AM	#11
tranza ICQ: 197-556-237 Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: BRASIL !!! Posts: 57,559	Those ones were fucking great... __________________ I'm just a newbie.

03-06-2009, 07:01 AM	#12
blowme_DL Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ICQ : 264 776 009 fast and cheap designer! looking for monthly work. Posts: 2,077	nice jokes hahahh __________________ NOW 30% DISCOUNT +5Free Banners +2Free Galleries!!! MONTHLY DESIGN RATES NOW AVAILABLE icq: 228492283 eMail: sales {a} designersleague {dot} com DeeCASH \| EliteDOLLARS \| RealityCASH \| k8tieKASH

03-06-2009, 07:22 AM	#13
LiveDose Show Yer Tits! Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Somewhere Out there... Posts: 25,792	Amusing,,, __________________ Scammer Alert: acer19 acer [email protected] [email protected] Money stolen using PayPal

03-06-2009, 07:28 AM	#14
Si Such Fun! Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 13,900	Most of them made me LOL. Some are a bit too silly though

03-06-2009, 09:12 AM	#15
Kron Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 1,668	damn, funny stuff __________________ I dont exchange money!

03-06-2009, 09:19 AM	#16
Grapesoda So Fucking Banned Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Montana Posts: 46,238	the very best thing about GFY is the funny crap... who needs bad news and drama? not me, but I always can use a good laugh

03-06-2009, 09:31 AM	#17
DrChango Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: AZ Posts: 938	I had to forward this thread to the head of our legal department! __________________ Jacob Stiver Mobile Monkey Topbucks\|Pink Visual\|Plug In Feeds E-Mail: [email protected] ICQ#: 388847435

03-06-2009, 12:15 PM	#18
John-ACWM Work Work Work Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: EU Posts: 20,060	Gucci sweats and Reeboks __________________ Video Chat Forum