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Discuss what's fucking going on, and which programs are best and worst. One-time "program" announcements from "established" webmasters are allowed. |
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#1 |
Confirmed User
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Lightspeedworld
Posts: 7,940
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Going live on stage tonight!
For those of you that won't get to see me live, here's a huge steamy load of comedy for you to swallow.
1 When I get home tonight, I’m going to tear my wife’s panties off right away…. (pulling at my ass) Cuz they are giving me a WEDGIE FROM HELL! (pause) Wow, that was kind of like when I have sex, I started with.... a big finish. 2 My comedy mentor told me to treat the audience like a lover, and every performance like making love. Well if I'm willing to commit to all that, my audience needs to give me something in return. It needs to be fun and energetic and supportive and respectful. But then I just realized, I'm not looking for a long term relationship with my audience. You aren't even going to be faithful to me! I expect you'll be cheating on me with another comic in less than 15 minutes!. So this is more like a one night stand. Well... that changes EVERYTHING! If this is a one night stand, I'll need an audience that is young and tight (wandering off) and slutty..... and likes to be choked because it has weird issues about its dad or teachers..... And every joke will be like fucking it in the ass and every punchline will be like cumming in its eye! I'm not looking for an audience-girlfriend here, I'm looking for an audience fuck-buddy! Just as long as it doesn't freak out on me and text me like 25 times a day, or send its boyfriend over to my house to kick my ass later! I want an audience that's ready to try something new, not one I can grow old and die with (like I'm doing right now). I need an audience that is ready to swallow a huge steamy load of comedy and still beg for more! Is that THIS audience? Yes? Well break out the lube bitches, and let’s get this party started! 3 Wow, that really was just like sex! Cuz now I'm exhausted and ready to take a nap, and you look all traumatized, like you're about to call 9-1-1!" 4 I've been playing a lot of Guitar Hero lately. I tried to tell my friend about a song on it that I really like, but I couldn't remember the name of it. She said "Well, how does it go?" I said, "It’s like BLUE RED GREEN GREEN BLUE RED GREEN whammy bar! 5 I can't watch the news about the economy -- they say we're back to where we were in 1998. Fuck 1998. Why couldn't we go back to when I was 18... when I had hair... and health.... and HOPE. Back to when I was fucking horny college girls and getting high every day with my friends. That was a good year! Why can't the economy suck like THAT again? 6 When I decided to make a career change, I thought I’d try doing something I really love. So it was between telling jokes and making porn movies. I tried doing both at once, but I just couldn’t stay hard through the punch lines. 7 They say that exposure to porn at an early age really affects the rest of your life. I say bullshit! I saw my dad’s Playboy and Penthouse magazines when I was just a kid, and I turned out… well, no, that is a bad example. Nevermind. 8 I’ve always wanted to be like Hugh Hefner. He has an incredible lifestyle. There is a TV show about his 3 twenty-something girlfriends, called “The Girls Next Door”. Sorry, but girls like that don’t live next door to ME. Why didn’t they name it something more accurate? Like “Three Gold-Digging Blonde Whores at Hef’s House”. 9 Does Hef realize those girls are only after his money? I’ve always believed that money can’t buy happiness. And in today’s shitty economy, it actually can’t even buy half the happiness it used to not be able to buy. 10 Last year, I got to visit the Playboy Mansion. But I had to pay 750 dollars to go there, and when I got there, I pretty much just stood around in the yard all night. I wanted to see the house! I never even got NEAR the house. Now I want to be like Hugh Hefner more than ever! Forget the beautiful girls and huge mansion. I just want to trick some stupid son of a bitch into giving me 750 dollars to stand around in MY yard! 11 My friend has been married for 20 years. I asked him what his secret was. He said he does things to keep his sex life interesting, like he bought a schoolgirl outfit and plays dress-up with his wife. I thought, that sounds fun, but I really don't have the legs for it. I don't want to look STUPID! 12 I didn’t meet my wife until I was in my late twenties, and not one minute too soon. I was so sick of dating. And my friends were no help. My friend told me when I meet women, I need to act like I don’t even care about them, or even to be a little mean to them at first. He said women love guys like that. That will just make her want me more. But I’m just not a mean person. I don’t know HOW to be mean. I told one girl I was dancing with, “You have a body like a little boy.” She got all upset and started crying. I felt bad. I tried to apologize, but I just made it worse. “I never said I don’t like little.... boys..." (she walks away) 14 So I met a girl who was into very kinky sex. She said in case things started getting out of hand, I needed to make up a “safety phrase”. Just one or two words so she would know I REALLY wanted her to stop. I don’t know what was wrong with what I usually say, “Get the fuck off me, I already came! Is there any pizza left?” 15 So fast forward 15 years, now I have 2 children. I love them to death, but they drive me crazy! My daughter ran up to me crying, "Daddy Daddy, I have an owee on my finger!" She held up her index finger to me. I saw her playing with our dog, I assumed he might have bit her, so I did the usual Dad thing and kissed her finger to "make it all better". "What happened did the doggie bite you?" She said, "No, I stuck my finger in his butt!" 16 When my son was really little he had a bad habit of cursing. One time he dropped his ice cream on the ground, and shouted “FUCK!” I told him that just earned him a 15 minute time out. “I don’t want no FUCKING TIME OUT!” I didn’t really care about him cursing. I just wanted him to stop WASTING all the FUCKING ice cream! 17 A few years later he got his first computer and discovered the internet. He innocently typed his name and dot com just to see what would happen. Well it turns out Danny.com is a softcore porn website. It was inappropriate yes, but nothing too obscene. I’m just glad we didn’t name him “COLLEGE FUCK FEST”! 18 My son told me about Google Earth, so we looked up our house together. The picture was so detailed I could actually see a beer bottle I left on my deck. So now I spend a lot of time sunbathing naked in my back yard, waiting for Google Earth to take a picture of me. So the next time the question of penis size comes up, I will be able to say, “Yeah, mine is SO big, it can be seen from outer space!” 19 I love how Google has now become an actual verb, like “I Google’d your name to get your phone number. I’ve decided that my name should be a verb too. So ladies and gentleman, thank you for letting me STEVE ALL OVER YOU! Thank you and good night!
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Abra-cadabra! |
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#2 |
Confirmed User
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,062
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It looks like it might be funny, but I didn't read it. It's too long and I have A.D.D.
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#3 |
So Fucking Banned
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,060
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Yeeeeah
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#4 |
Workin With The Devil
Industry Role:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 51,532
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Very nice steve you were funny in atlanta
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#5 |
Rebel Girl
Industry Role:
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: The Island Of Misfit Toys
Posts: 3,264
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its great material. You make me laugh all the time
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#6 |
Confirmed User
Industry Role:
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 3,153
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Break A Leg Steve!
Sex always seems to be a good topic with comedy routines ![]() _
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ICQ: 254 914 537 - Skype: AlmightyJim |
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#7 |
Jägermeister Test Pilot
Industry Role:
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: NORCAL
Posts: 73,525
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It works for me.... Go Steve!
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“The choice is no longer between right or left. The choice is between normal and crazy.” - Sarah Huckabee Sanders YNOT MAIL | THE BEST ADULT MAILING SOLUTION |
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#8 |
Confirmed User
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 851
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#9 |
So Fucking Banned
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,995
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If that was suppose to be funny, well then let me tell you that you are a shallow pathetic piece of Shit!
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#10 | |
Confirmed User
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Lightspeedworld
Posts: 7,940
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Quote:
What you don't like jokes that cum in your eye?
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Abra-cadabra! |
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#11 |
Confirmed User
Industry Role:
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Icy Hellish Tundra
Posts: 2,534
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Given your proclivity for Guitar Hero...#4 is funny as hell LOL
![]() ![]() Break a leg, Steve ![]()
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ICQ: 114549321 |
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#12 |
Confirmed User
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,438
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Steve - Ive always found you to be funny...whether on a bus late at night or right here, right now on GFY, I love it!
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#13 |
Amateur Pimpin
Industry Role:
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 13,075
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good luck to you steve
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Make easy money with Webcams |
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#14 |
Confirmed User
Industry Role:
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Oakville, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 9,287
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I have laughed my ass off way to many times to count! Have a good time tonight
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#15 |
Viva la vulva!
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself
Posts: 16,557
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#16 |
Confirmed User
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ** Now running NATS4: HypeDough.com! **
Posts: 3,743
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Where you performing?
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![]() Ricky D :: Hype Dough President | XBIZ.net | ICQ 172-939-826 AIM+Skype HypeDough | [NATS4] Kayden420: ['09 '10 '11 XBIZ Nominee | Exclusive & HD] | ThePornScout: [Exclusive + Reality | Amateurs Want to Become Pornstars] |
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#17 |
So Fucking Banned
Industry Role:
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: the beach, SoCal
Posts: 107,089
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Break a leg and have fun.
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#18 |
Confirmed User
Industry Role:
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 4,010
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Good luck ..You can do it !!
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#19 |
Confirmed User
Industry Role:
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: MI
Posts: 1,662
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Thanks for the heads up I thought you were going to tell Steph and me so we could fly out and see your first show.
Good luck!
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TPF 2010 "They are eating our sausages!" |
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#20 |
HOMICIDAL TROLL KILLER
Industry Role:
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Sunnybrook Institution for the Criminally Insane
Posts: 20,419
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well, your jokes arent that funny, but i'm like a negro at the apollo on open mike night..
good luck to you and if people arent laughing after the first 5 minutes, pull down your pants and take a big dump on stage and then throw it at the audience like some crazy monkey at the zoo... |
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#21 | |
Black Vagina Finder
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 13,975
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Quote:
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#22 |
Confirmed User
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Santa Ana, Costa Rica
Posts: 2,664
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you will kill it man!
you are on your way!
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#23 |
Super Mario
Industry Role:
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Swenson's Avatar
Posts: 19,339
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I thought the jokes were funny reading them... seeing them delivered on stage I bet they'll be way funnier. break a leg.
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99.912% of the world survived the covid pandemic. "if the allegations that the judge raped the sheriff's daughter are true..." -- 'Things I Never Thought I would Say' for $1,000, Alex |
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#24 |
..........
Industry Role:
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: ..........
Posts: 41,917
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nice man. good luck buddy.
i'm handing you the mic at the next dodgeball tournament. you get to tell all the jokes about the fat out of shape webmasters this time. just kidding guys. burgers on me. open tab at the hotel restaurant. knuck knuck knuck |
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#25 |
Confirmed User
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,558
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are you going to post a video when you are done?
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#26 | |
Confirmed User
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: CO, US
Posts: 3,056
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Quote:
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#27 |
Confirmed User
Industry Role:
Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 8,855
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tape it And post it bro
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#28 |
Pounding Googlebot
Industry Role:
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 34,468
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You're gonna be great Steve, I love the bits
![]() WG
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I play with Google. |
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