100+ Year Old 22 Pound Lobster.

ANNIE
Alvy, now don't panic. Please.

ALVY
Look, I told you it was a ... mistake
to ever bring a live thing in the house.

ANNIE
Stop it! Don't ... don't do that! There.

The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor. Annie, bolding out a wooden
paddle, tries to shove them onto it.

ALVY
Well, maybe we should just call the police.
Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.

ANNIE
Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for
God's sake.

ALVY
If they're only babies, then you pick
'em up.

ANNIE
Oh, all right. All right! It's all
right. Here.

She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail. Laughing,
she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.

ALVY
Don't give it to me. Don't!

ANNIE
(Hysterically)
Oooh! Here! Here!

ALVY
(Pointing)
Look! Look, one crawled behind the
refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed
at night.
(They move over to the refrigerator;
Alvy moves as close to the wall as
possible as Annie, covering her mouth
and laughing hysterically, teasingly
dangles a lobster in front of him)
Will you get outta here with that thing?
Jesus!

ANNIE
(Laughing, to the lobster)
Get him!

ALVY
(Laughing)
Talk to him. You speak shellfish!
(He moves over to the stove and
takes the lid of a large steamer
filled with boiling water)
Hey, look ... put it in the pot.

ANNIE
(Laughing)
I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I
can't put a live thing in hot water.

ALVY
(Overlapping)
Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What-what's
he think we're gonna do, take him to the
movies?

Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and drops it
gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.

ANNIE
(Overlapping Alvy and making sounds)
Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good, now
he'll think-
(She screams)
Aaaah! Okay.

ALVY
(Overlapping Annie)
Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot!

ANNIE
All right. All right. All right.

She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster. Smiling,
she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator trying to
push it from the wall.

ALVY
Annie, there's a big lobster behind
the refrigerator. I can't get it out.
This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a
little dish of butter sauce here with a
nutcracker, it will run out the other
side, you know what I mean?

ANNIE
(Overlapping)
Yeah. I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna
get my camera.

ALVY
You know, I-I think ... if I could pry
this door off ... We shoulda gotten steaks
'cause they don't have legs. They don't
run around.

Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks up the paddle.
Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up knocking over dishes and hitting the
chandelier. Holding the paddle, he finally leans back against the sink.
Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures of him.

ANNIE
Great! Great!
(Screaming)
Goddammit!
(Screaming)
Ooooh! These are ... p-p-p-pick this
lobster up. Hold it, please!

ALVY
All right! All right! All right! All
right! Whatta yuh mean? Are yuh gonna
take pictures now?

ANNIE
It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy, it'll
be wonderful ... Ooooh, lovely!

ALVY
(Picking up the lobster Annie
placed on the counter earlier)
All right, here! Oh, God, it's disgusting!

Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking out his tongue and
making a face.

ANNIE
Don't be a jerk. One more, Alvy, please,
one more picture.
(Reluctantly Alvy picks up the
lobster again as Annie takes
another picture)
Oh, oh, good, good!